Israel’s Space Defense Force launched a kinetic orbital strike against DuPage Township. The township’s “Iron Force Field” withstood the attack, and there were no casualties or property damage.

The SDF released a statement that read, “In response to a possible threat to the security of Israel, the SDF staged a surprise preemptive defensive operation to neutralize the ability of DuPage Township to launch offensive operations against Israel and its allies. Whether it’s on Earth or on Mars, the Israeli Space Defense force will strike anyone who makes us feel insecure!”

Peter, who asked that his last name not be printed, witnessed the 2 AM attack.

“I kept hearing these explosions outside. At first I thought the quarry was mining at an ungodly hour. When I saw the flashes of light, I knew something was off. I looked outside and saw explosions in the sky, followed by glowing shockwaves. In front of my house, I saw someone wearing power armor that resembled a Gundam suit. The suit had a DuPage Township emblem and, I think, a Palestinian emblem. Whoever was inside used the suit’s PA to say something like, ‘It’s not so easy facing an opponent that can fight back! Now send down your best paratrooper and we’ll settle this once and for all!’”

Janet, who did not say her last name, claims that hours before the attack, two Israeli settlers tried to seize her home. According to Janet, the settlers said an Israeli court had ordered the eviction of Janet’s family. One settler claimed that since one of his ancestors camped overnight on the site of her house over 200 years ago, it qualifies as Jewish property before the founding of Israel, and therefore they had the right to return to it. The other settler allegedly said, “What’s good for the Levant is also good for the Diaspora.”

After arguing with the settlers, Janet’s children started throwing water balloons at them. As the settlers ran away, one settler made a call on their cell phone and, allegedly, said, “We’re under attack by radicalized children. Save us, IDF!”

Janet said, “I know Israel believes in disproportionate attacks, but an orbital strike is ridiculous.”

Governor JB Pritzker arranged a video call with an officer in the Israeli Space Force, DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke, and Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. Israel demanded that DuPage Township acknowledge Israel’s right to exist, the right to secure borders, and the right to occupy DuPage Township. Marschke asked if Israel would recognize DuPage Township’s right to exist. The officer replied Israel would recognize the temporary authority in DuPage Township to govern on Israel’s behalf. An argument broke out when the Israeli officer claimed that there’s was no such thing as Bolingbrook residents just like there was no such thing as Palestinian people.

Pritzker restored calm to the meeting and said he was bringing someone in who could end the conflict in DuPage Township. The following is a partial transcript from the Zoom Session.

Officer: You!

Noa: Who else?

Gary: And you are?

Noa: Noa Tishby, NCIS actress, aspiring producer, and famed Israelsplainer. I am every college activist’s worst nightmare: an unapologetic Zionist!

Gary: I don’t remember seeing you on NCIS. How many episodes were you in?

Noa: The only episode that matters!

Gary: Wait a minute. Did you send me a letter about our Gaza ceasefire resolution?

Noa: Of course not! The only resolutions that matter are UN Resolution 181 and UN Resolution 273! Why should we care about your resolution and that resolution from Bowling, Illinois?

Mayor: Bolingbrook!

Noa: Whatever! I’m not here to deal with either of you. I’m here to deal with this Bibi lackey.

Officer: Me?

Noa: Yes, you. Because even I, Noa Tishby, do not support Israeli settlements in the West Bank. Establishing settlements in the United States is the worst idea in Israel’s history since exempting Haredi students from the draft! How am I supposed to shame college students who pitch tents on their own campuses, while you’re trying to build settlements in the Midwest?

Officer: But Biden—

Noa: Let him draw all the redlines he wants. You’re doing more damage to the noble Zionist cause than he is. Now apologize for accidentally striking the township, promise an investigation, then go back to wiping out Hamas’s moon bases!

Officer: We’re sorry we targeted the wrong civilians. One of these days, we’ll investigate what happened. Until then, we will focus on Hamas’s Lunar terrorist cells. Even if it means we’ll be the only military branch that doesn’t have to worry about civilian casualties. Shabbat Shalom.

Pritzker: Shabbat Shalom. Oh, Noa? I have someone on the other channel who would like a word with you about Israel.

Noa: Excellent. Another person who will regret misunderstanding Israel when I’m done with them.

Gary: Did you just set up a chat between (DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend) and her?

Pritzker: Yes. Is there a problem?

Gary: Oh my God!

This reporter attempted a video chat with Alexander-Basta, but her receptionist said she was out of the office with her family.

“Maybe you should spend more time with your family.”

In the reception area, a woman who resembled covert social media operative Charlene Spencer was working on her laptop. Over her laptop’s speakers, a man said, “You said you were going to create an online liberation movement to assist us.”

Charlene replied, “You’re welcome.”

“You created Queers for Hamas!”

“And?”

“(Homophobic comments deleted.) We need martyrs to shield us! Not (Homophobic comments deleted.)”

“Oh please. You think civilians will shield you from an army with a high tolerance for civilian casualties? No wonder Bibi considers you guys an asset. You’re helping him depopulate Gaza with your antics.”

“You dare to mock us for being the only group willing to fight from the river to the sea to make Palestine Jew-free—I mean free from Zionist colonizers?”

“Yes.”

“(Sexist insult deleted). What is your brilliant plan to liberate Palestine?”

“Apparently, I’m the only person who’s actually read The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine? You will not defeat Israel by committing war crimes and sacrificing Palestinian civilians to the IDF. Zionist colonizers may have founded Israel, but Israelis now have a national identity. Just like US and Canadian citizens have a national identity. 9/11 didn’t cause US residents to retreat to Europe. They fought back. Just like the Israelis are doing now. ”

“And your plan?”

“As you probably don’t know, Israel doesn’t have civil marriages. Same-sex couples have to leave to country to get married. Instead of committing war crimes on October 7, you could have legalized same-sex marriage and invited Israelis to hold their weddings in Gaza. They would have torn down the border fence and lifted the blockade in a matter of hours. The marriage industrial complex would have revitalized your economy. Israel’s right-wing parties would have abandoned Bibi when they realized the millions of dollars they allowed you to receive went towards same-sax marriages in Gaza. Before long, so many Israelis would have fond such memories of their Gaza weddings that they’d recognize a Palestine state or two, no questions asked. Everyone would win. Unless your actual goal is to establish an Islamic dictatorship and reduce Jewish people to second-class citizens.”

“(Sexist and homophobic insults deleted)”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base hosts alien pride parade
Village of Bolingbrook lifts restriction on UFO display ads
Yoko Ono’s seven concerts at Clow UFO Base sold out
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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