By Reporter X

Despite logistical problems, literal earthshaking numbers, a protest, and threats, Taylor Swift successfully pulled off her first performance at a UFO Base. Swift’s concert shattered Clow’s previous concert attendance records, as well as the record for most watched interstellar holographic concert in the Milky Way. 

When she took the stage, Swift asked the audience, “Are there any Swifties in the galaxy tonight?” The audience’s enthusiastic reaction triggered the first of many minor earthquakes that night.

“We thought we were prepared,” said an anonymous official at the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We rented several trucks and drove them around the village. That way, people would assume the trucks passing by caused the shaking. We didn’t expect so many earthquake tonight. So the truck cover story was pushing the limits of plausibility.”

After Swift performed the third song on her set list, protesters from Alpha Centauri. They unfurled a banner that read, “Free Palestine! Protect Israel! Support the Quantum State Solution!” The Men in Blue peacefully escorted the protesters off the stage. Clow officials would only say that the protesters are still alive.

Once the protesters left the stage, Swift address the audience. “There are Swifties on both sides of this terrible conflict. I don’t know about you, but I think Swifties should love each other as much as they love the music.”

Following the protest, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta reached out to the Israeli Space Defense Force. Anonymous sources confirmed part of what she said: “As a woman of global excellence, I strongly urge you not to attack Clow…You can’t be serious! Think of all the residents you’d harm…Really? Well, for your information, the residents of Bolingbrook are civilians. Even (name of local politician redacted). So if the ISDF is serious about avoiding civilian casualties, don’t even think about dropping an anti-matter bomb on Bolingbrook!”

The concert continued without incident. After her final encore, Swift thanked the audience. “Tonight was worth all the breakups I had to go through to write my songs!”

Lokblak, a resident of Tabby’s Star, was one of many satisfied Swift fans. “Her songs are so universal. Somehow, she knows how great it feels to shake off a bad layer of skin.”

Kolog, a resident of Triton, had a different reason for attending the concert. “I wanted to see Taylor Swift before humanity’s extinction. If only humans admired their planet as much as they admire Ms. Swift.”

Also in the Babbler:

Europa Bears? Europa entered the bidding for next the Bears’ new stadium
Former Twitter employees stage sit-in at Clow UFO Base
Record number of aliens to trick or treat in Bolingbrook
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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