Every year, the Babbler gives Bolingbrook’s opposition parties a chance to respond to the Mayor’s State of the Village Address. This year, the United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook, The Roger Claar Party, the Parents Know Best Party, and the Art Bell Party accepted our invitation to respond to the speech by Mayor Alexander-Basta from the First Party for Bolingbrook.
United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook
Better to be united than to be first
Let’s look at Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s major accomplishments:
- Ending the ban on cannabis dispensaries
- Ending the ban on garbage and recycling toters
- First Bolingbrook Mayor to recognize Gay Pride Month
- Board meetings that don’t end with the mayor spewing Republican talking points.
In other words, Mayor Basta has enacted most of our platform. The election is nearly a year away, but we are already victorious.
But it is not enough to win. We have to defend our wins. Gone are the days when Bolingbrook’s incumbent mayor could dominate any election. For all we know, she might not run for re-election and may just appoint her successor. We can’t count on her to keep Bolingbrook in the twenty-first century.
But you can count on us. We will defend our gains if a certain former mayor unleashes his political action committee against Bolingbrook. The First Party depends on this former Mayor, but we’re independent.
Some of you compared us to a political party of cats, and that’s fair sometimes. But cats are also great fighters, and we will fight for Bolingbrook!
The Roger Claar Party
Come back, Roger!
These are dark days. Drugs in stores. Ugly toters are in our yards. The threat of nuclear war is back. Roger Claar is no longer our mayor!
When Roger ran Bolingbrook, everything was perfect. The stores opened on time. There were no wars in Europe. Residents were happy!
Since Roger was forced out of office, crime has gone up, Russia could blow us up, and Amazon has a beachhead in Bolingbrook.
We long for the simple days of Roger’s rule, and we will bring them back. Elect our slate, and we will purge all members of the First Party who betrayed Roger! Then, we will return Roger to his rightful place as Mayor. Next, we will abolish elections! If municipalities can defy health mandates, then they can also defy voting mandates! We know who should run Bolingbrook better than a Springfield politician, and it’s not voters!
Parents Know Best Party
Because we said so!
Mayor Mary may be a parent, but she doesn’t speak for all parents. We speak for the angry parents. We’re mad because we had to keep our kids at home because of “germ theory.” We’re mad that our kids are learning about slavery and discrimination because of “critical race theory.” We’re mad that our kids think we are related to animals because of “Darwin Theory.” We’re sick of theories!
It’s time to stop teaching our kids Arabic numerals, science, and ancient history—like the 1960s. It’s time to teach our kids to trust us and only us.
If elected, we will arrest every Valley View School District member that refuses to obey us. Don’t question us and don’t make us come to your homes. Vote for us because we said so!
The Art Bell Party
Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies
The Quickening has brought us to the brink of collapse! Russia stands ready to launch ICBMs. Other nations fear we are on the brink of civil war. The dark ages are here.
Mayor Mary could do so much to change the world. She could start by revealing Clow UFO Base to the world. That act alone could unite humanity against possible alien invaders.
She could also do more to protect the residents of Bolingbrook. Not once in her speech did she mention requiring new homes to have a nuclear blast shelter. Why isn’t she buying MREs from fine patriotic suppliers? Why isn’t she providing every resident with a tinfoil cap to protect them from the Soviet Mind Control satellites? Why hasn’t she vowed to exterminate all shifters in Bolingbrook? Do wereskunks provide value to our community?
Mayor Mary, stop bragging about bringing in new businesses that will only contribute to the debris field and start preparing the residents for our post-apocalyptic future!
Also in the Babbler:
Ukraine’s UFO bases transfer their anti-matter fuel to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary activates backup command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Valley View parents outraged over proposed ‘Duck and Cover’ drills
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
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