The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965) (Fiction)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard helped to persuade the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati to create Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, but he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he got any sleep.

Update 2021: This interview occurred right after residents voted to approve the creation of Bolingbrook in 1965. John Olson, the Babbler’s first publisher, strongly opposed the incorporation of Bolingbrook at first. His attitude is quite apparent in this first interview. The Babbler published the interview in its first issue, which was distributed to the residents moments after the village board formally signed the incorporation papers.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!
Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

John Olson: I have a question for the so-called president of this new village.

Jack Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler. My reporter is handing out sample copies for each of you.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is the Babbler, anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook, anyway?

Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare–

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites pass over our community, and given that there are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by–

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going to petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind-control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook after our first meeting. Why are you working on an issue if God is going to destroy all of us?

Olson: We think enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. I will now ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be a pioneer, to start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, “Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook, we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to go out on your own, go to an out-of-state university first. Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.” Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it covers other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record!

Trustee: He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!

Our Mayors of Bolingbrook series returns! (Mixed)

From the editor: 

As our webmaster takes a well-earned vacation, we’re going to repost our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s mayors. From Jack Leonard to current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, and we won’t forget current Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.

We head into 2022, possibly on the verge of a wave of COVID Omicron variant infections. Inflation is rising, though nowhere near the double-digit rates of the 1970s. The 2022 election looks to be yet another most important election of our lives, and, sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.

It’s times like these when we need to remember that Bolingbrook has gone through hard and dangerous times before and survived. That doesn’t guarantee Bolingbrook’s future, but it gives us a reason to be hopeful.

So watch this website, as we look back on Bolingbrook’s great, and not so great, leaders. Some may have left us for the great subdivision in the sky, but the Babbler will not forget them.

Also in the Babbler: 

Santa gets his booster shot in Bolingbrook
Venusian scientists confirm their COVID Vaccine works against Omicron Variant
Martian Colonies to double the number of soldiers in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/21

Former congressman Dan Lipinski triggered a riot at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue. 

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:

“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”

Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters.  According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:

“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”

The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer.  Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.”  He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”

Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.”  When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.

She said:  “As the residents of the #NewIL06 know, the first rap song was actually ‘Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),’ and you can only find real Chicago-style pizza at Home Run Inn.”

Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”

“Hey,” Casten replied. “Just because I used to be a CEO does not mean I’m a Corporate Democrat. I have very nuanced views about climate change and universal healthcare.”

“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”

Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me.  I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”

The riot started moments later.

Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order. 

According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked.

“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”

“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”

At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated:  “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”

Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”

Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.”  She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”

Also in the Babbler:

Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.