Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

From the Editor:  Every year we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address.  This year the Roger Claar Party, the Toter Liberation Party, the Independant [sic] Party, the Skepchick Party, and the Bolingbrook Worker’s Party accepted our invitation.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United unfortunately declined our invitation.

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Roger Claar Party
Only Roger can save Bolingbrook

Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with former Mayor Roger Claar.

Mayor Mary, we too have a story to tell about 2020 in Bolingbrook.  It starts with the greatest mayor in history, Roger Claar, and the greatest village of all time, Bolingbrook.  When a pestilence depends upon our great community, the Me First Roger Second Party sees their chance to seize power.  They form an alliance with the Anti-Roger and give Roger an ultimatum: Resign, or be annexed by Cook County!  Roger, realizing that he has been betrayed, resigns.  The Anti-Roger unleashes Mayor Mary, and Bolingbrook enters the dark ages.

Roger is gone, but we can bring him back and end this dark age.  Do not be fooled by the Me First Party, the Independent of Roger Party, or the United Against Roger Party.  Only one party can bring Roger back and save Bolingbrook.  The same party that has remained loyal to Roger for over thirty years.  Yes, he’s sued us, threatened us with arrest, and thrown us off the ballot every time we’ve run, but we love him.  That will never change.

This is Bolingbrook’s last, best chance to bring back Roger from his exile in California.  On April 6, vote for the Roger Claar Party, the only party that’s proud to name ourselves after Bolingbrook’s greatest mayor.  If the residents reject us, we will disband, and this dark age will last for centuries.  Make the right choice, Bolingbrook!

The Toter Liberation Party
No Garbage Tax without garbage toters!

Bolingbrook is losing the Suburban Garbage Toter Race!  We are one of the last suburbs without garbage toters!  Our recycling toters are too small, and the lids are a joke.  Garbage pick up day in Bolingbrook might as well be called litter day.  Enough!

Residents shouldn’t suffer from former Mayor Roger Claar’s toter-phobia!  Each resident should have a toter, just like every home should have a garage.  Once you have a toter, you should be able to put it wherever you want it on your own property!  No homeowners association, police officer, or politician should take that right away from you. 

Bolingbrook United wants you to have the “option” of renting a toter.  Sheldon Watts of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party was against toters before he was for toters!  The First Party for Bolingbrook wants to bury this in committee forever.  Nonsense!

We’re one of the last communities without full toter service.  Groot already offers toter service to the other communities they serve.  All we have to do is ask for the same deal our neighbors are getting!

Bolingbrook residents like freedom, and we do too!  We should have the freedom to be free of flying garbage, and the freedom to own toters to protect our neighbors and ourselves from garbage!  That’s why every resident will get a free toter if we’re elected.  Only people who hate freedom refuse free toters!

The Bolingbrook Independant [sic] Party
Be a politician!  Get Free Stuff!

Roger’s allies attacked her!  Watchdogs tried to scare her.  They thought she would run away.  They were wrong!  Bonnie Kurowski is back and so are we! 

Roger may be gone, but Rogerism lives on though the Citizens For Bolingbrook PAC, and his mindless servants in the First Party for Bolingbrook!  Bolingbrook Independent Voices is just Rogerism without Roger!  Sheldon, we don’t need another Roger!

We need Bonnie!  If elected, our first act will be to confirm that she is a resident of Bolingbrook, no matter where she lives.  Her foes call her dishonest, but we consider her the uncontested truth teller of Bolingbrook. Her vision is our vision, and her path is the path of real freedom and real democracy in Bolingbrook!

Young people: Consider running for office under our slate!  If you win, you’ll get lots of free stuff!  Like pensions!  Donations to your very own campaign fund.  Health Insurance!   Government funding of a non-profit organization of your choice.  Wait!  There’s more!  Find out how you can serve Bolingbrook, and how Bolingbrook can serve you!  Give us a call, and your vote!

Remember:  You’re either with us or against us.  If you’re against us, that means you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, that makes you EVIL!

The Skepchick Party
An awesome village deserves and awesome party!

Note:  The Skepchick Party is not affiliated with the Skepchick network.

It’s great that Bolingbrook’s official parties are offering residents the chance to elect either a woman or an African American man as mayor.  But if you want to send an awesome slate of women to the Village Board, you should vote for the Skepchick Party.

Our platform is simple and awesome!

  • Manufacture our own COVID-19 vaccine.
  • Jail vaccine deniers and anti-maskers.
  • No more subsidizing religious organizations with village funds.  Water is awesome.  Heart Haven Outreach is not
  • Convert the Bolingbrook Golf Club into a natural science museum.  It will still reduce flooding in Bolingbrook, and educate our residents.
  • There are more important things in life than garbage toters.

We live in an awesome village.  Isn’t it time to elect a slate that’s awesome too?

The Bolingbrook Workers’ Party
It’s your money, and you should have it now!

Workers of Bolingbrook:

It’s been a tough year.  Many of you have been furloughed or laid off.  Many feel lucky just to have a job.

While you’re struggling, Weathertech CEO David MacNeil has climbed to a net worth of $1 billion.  Think about it.  Is he personally manufacturing overpriced plastic products?  No.  His workers are.  They’re the ones making the products people want to buy.  He stole $909,090 from every Weathertech worker.  Is that fair?  Does he have the freedom to steal from Bolingbrook residents?

Theft is theft!  It’s time the village board stopped helping Weathertech and Ulta rob its workers and started dealing out justice for the workers of Bolingbrook!

Some of you might say, “Wait.  That’s communism!  Isn’t communism bad?”

Yes it is bad.  Communists promised to help the workers, but their temporary “dictatorship of the proletariat” became a dictatorship of the Communist Party.  They never cared about the workers.  We do.

We’re going to skip the whole dictatorship part and jump directly to the giving the means of production back to the workers.  Under our leadership, the government will serve the real owners of Bolingbrook’s businesses.  CEO’s who try to steal your money will be arrested.  Managers who try to boss you around will be jailed.  

The best part?  We’ll get rid of all taxes.  We’ll just ask for a small village maintenance fee. It will be much lower than what you currently pay in property taxes, sale taxes, restaurant taxes, and garbage fees combined.  Plus, you’ll make a lot more money.  And you can still vote for any party you want!

We hope you’ll vote for the party that wants you to be your own employer, and not the parties that represent the people stealing your money.

Workers of Bolingbrook unite!  You have nothing to lose, except your bosses!

Also in the Babbler:

Werecoyotees clash with Palatine Police
DuPage Township Trustee candidate’s husband denies doing dental work on Bigfoot
Trustee Watts skips debate to partake in the Ball of Fire Illuminati ritual
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/16/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

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