By Reporter X
Former Vice President Joe Biden received a hostile reception during a surprise visit to Space Force Troops stationed in Bolingbrook.
“Lock her up!” yelled many of the soldiers in unison.
“Is that supposed to be an insult?” asked Biden during his address.
Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Baker, the commander of the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion, replied: “It’s what the soldiers are trained to say to anyone (President Donald Trump) doesn’t approve of.”
According to anonymous sources, Biden contacted Baker and demanded to address the troops. When Baker refused, Biden presented documents proving he was a member of the Illuminati. Baker then pointed out that Biden is an active member of the New World Order, and therefore couldn’t be a member of the Illuminati.
“Give me a break,” replied Biden. “I believe in bipartisanship and in dual secret society memberships. I fought the Trump Mayor to a draw over this, but it was really no contest. Here’s the deal: You let me address the troops, and my illuminated friend Pop-Tart won’t tell Donald about your Ukrainian friend.”
Baker hastily gathered the troops, upsetting many.
“I was practicing tear gas skills when we got the call,” said Private Carl V. Drake. “I was about to set the record for gassing an apartment—I mean an enemy hive. Now I can’t wait to vote for Trump.”
In his speech, Biden reminded the soldiers that all branches of the military serve the country, not the President:
“Our country is great because of our professional military. They know their job is to protect our country from enemies outside the US. When a country’s military gets involved in politics, it gets ugly. I mean really ugly! We’re talking coups, assassinations, and dropping dissidents from helicopters.”
“What’s wrong with that?” yelled a heckler.
“Come on, man! Do I really need to tell you?”
Biden later said that he expected all branches to respect the results of the November election. He added that if Trump loses and refuses to leave office, he would order all military branches to respect his command and send soldiers to drag Trump out of the oval office.
The soldiers booed then chanted: “Submit! Don’t resist!”
“Look,” replied Biden. “I understand you’ve been brainwashed by Trump. You think you’re nothing without your Space Force uniform. But here’s the deal: I consider all of you part of the military. Once Trump is out of office, you’ll come to your senses and embrace bipartisanship. It’ll be just like the old days, only better. Am I right?”
“Eight more years!” chanted the soldiers.
Biden turned to Baker. “You’re coaching them aren’t you?”
“I’d get out of here if I was you.”
“I was going to leave anyway. Just remember not to interfere when the interplanetary absentee ballots are delivered to Earth.”
“It is our responsibility to destroy any fake ballots and kill those who threaten us. MAGA!”
After Biden left the base, a campaign staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, defended the speech:
“Trump is lying about Biden being weak and alone. Today he addressed a hostile group of elite killers. I mean soldiers. That proves that Joe is tough enough to rebuild our country and stand up to the “squad” and appease Republicans. I’m sure this will win us the moderate UFO believer vote!”
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God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/2020
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.