By Reporter X
A dogfight between a UFO with a Bernie Sanders for President sign, and a UFO with an Andrew Yang sign, ended in a midair collision over Palatine.
“I heard a loud boom,” said Paige, an eyewitness who asked that we not use her last name. I looked up and saw two burning flying saucers plummeting towards Long Grove.” She later added, “I knew the Democratic primary was contested, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”
David from Long Grove claims he was one of the first people at the crash site:
“It was horrible. Two aliens were hitting each other with computer tablets. One said Earth needed a revolution. The other said Earth needed a mathematical evolution and a dividend. Other aliens were gravely injured but crawling towards each other. They were going to fight to the death over Bernie and Andrew. How horrible! I think I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden. I still can’t decide.”
Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, confirmed the incident and that both crews have been arrested:
“Unlike (Bolingbrook’s) Clow UFO Base, we do not tolerate our visitors displaying political ads. We believe that aliens, and Russians, should not be involved in our political process.”
Blake explained that both crews were being treated for injuries, but were expected to make a full recovery. She also added that both UFOs were destined for Iowa, but spotted each other over Schaumburg:
“The captains of each ship started insulting each other. Traffic Control instructed them to return to Clow controlled air space, but they didn’t listen. Instead, they started shooting at each other.”
Blake added that the social media team for Sherman UFO Base was able to pass off the crash as one of the many “mysterious booms” residents of northeast Palatine report to the police.
“Most of the time, they’re just UFOs launching whose crews forgot to activate their silencers. This time was more serious and could have created a major security breach. Let us make this clear: Politics and UFOs do not mix in Palatine.”
Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz laughed when asked about the crash:
“Where do you come up with these stories? All I have to say is that our State of the Village Address is on February 19. It’s free, unlike the one at a certain village we both know.”
Yang denied his campaign buys ads on UFOs:
“You know, with my Freedom Dividend, more people will have time to read your silly articles, and donate to SETI@Home.”
Sanders didn’t deny buying UFO display ads:
“That’s nice. We need all the help we can get. Biden has the 1 percent on his side. Trump has the Russians on his side. If the aliens want to display my signs, so be it. Now stop calling me!”
A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Okay, Michael. When I step down in May, the mayor’s job will be part-time, and my village manager will make most of the decisions for you. Your job is to attend ribbon cuttings and defeat Bolingbrook United in the next election. Any questions?”
“The office will still have a bar, right?”
“I’m taking the bar with me.”
“Because you’re not me, that’s why!”
Also in the Babbler:
Interstellar Commonwealth announces audit of Earth’s covert societies and governments
Bolingbrook police officer kills mold monster
Sources: Trump will announce the cancelation of the US election at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.