By Reporter X

In front of a packed audience of humans and aliens, Petter Hörnfeldt, known as Mentour Pilot on YouTube, delivered a presentation on famous interstellar spacecraft accidents. The audience treated his presentation like a rock concert.

At one point, an alien yelled, “You rock, Petter!”

Hörnfeldt chuckled and replied, “I’m just doing my best to keep the skies safe for humans and other intelligent beings.”

During the presentation, the audience cheered, projected holographic lighter flames, and called out Hörnfeldt’s famous catchphrases. Some shouted “Free Bird!”

“It’s coming,” Hörnfeldt replied. “Don’t worry.”

The audience cheered for several seconds in response.

One incident Hörnfeldt discussed involved a UFO accidentally flying into the atmosphere of TrES-2B, the darkest exoplanet in the galaxy.

Hörnfeldt said, “Now, at this point, the crew should have tuned into the warning beacons orbiting TrES-2B. Because TrES-2B wouldn’t have appeared on their visual sensors or their radar.”

The audience replied, “But that didn’t happen!”

“Yes,” Hörnfeldt said with a smile. “It didn’t happen. Instead, the high mind set the autopilot to orbital velocity mode.”

“Remember that!” 

Hörnfeldt smiled again. “You guys are superfans.”

Like most YouTube influencers, Hörnfeldt mentioned his sponsors during his presentations.

“Now, at this point, many beings would pray to a higher power to save them. But. What if you don’t believe in a higher power, and you’re facing death? That’s where today’s sponsor comes in. Escape Velocity, your destination for atheist content across the galaxy. They’re the exclusive interstellar distributor of content from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit. In fact, if you subscribe to Escape Velocity right now, you’ll receive a free copy of Greta Christina’s Comforting Thoughts About Death That Have Nothing to do with God. Now, where was I?”

An alien shouted, “Why does every YouTuber have to put ads in their presentations?”

Hörnfeldt shrugged. “I have a family to support.”

The alien replied, “I wish humanity would hurry up and evolve out of capitalism. Ads are so annoying!”

After the last presentation, Hörnfeldt asked, “What do all these stories have in common?”

“Nobody died!” the audience replied.

“Exactly. So, fly safe up there.”

Hörnfeldt left the stage, and the audience cheered and projected holographic flames. In response, Hörnfeldt returned. For the encore, he did a presentation about PIOSEE, a decision method used by airline crews.

“You’ve been a great audience,” said Hörnfeldt. “Don’t forget to use code ‘Mentour65’ to get a 10% off a Clow human abduction license.”

Before Hörnfeldt’s presentation, Chloe Howe, the creator behind the Disaster Breakdown YouTube channel, was the “opening act.” Howe delivered a presentation about the Roswell UFO accident. 

“You may have heard the cover story,” said Howe. “A scout craft crashed near Roswell, New Mexico, killing all on board. The US military conducted a crude autopsy before Majestic 12 could see the bodies. A delegation from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived in Washington DC, and the rest is history. But that’s not quite right.”

According to Howe, the craft was on a diplomatic mission, not a scouting mission. While entering Earth’s atmosphere, they detected two enormous balloons. Though the balloons carried sensors to detect nuclear tests, the captain assumed they were human spacecraft sent to greet them. When their transmissions weren’t answered, the captain ordered their ship to move closer. While the crew was distracted by sending transmissions, their ship drew closer to the balloons. The ship collided with the balloons. The impact opened a cargo door, and four humanoid Mahicans were sucked out of the ship. The balloons were a total loss, but the craft, though crippled, landed without incident. The army surrounded the ship, their weapons pointed at the craft. The captain stepped outside with a translator.

Howe said, “These were the first words spoken from the Commonwealth to humanity: ‘Don’t worry. Our insurance will cover this.’”

Howe, after concluding the presentation, said, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must flee the ongoing disaster that is the United States. But please, subscribe to my Patreon, so I don’t have to shill for Ground News.”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through all retailers.