By Reporter X
An alien crew released four abducted Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
In a holograph taken of their release, one agent yelled back at the crew, “You don’t abduct us. We abduct you!”
An alien crew member responded, “At least we set our subjects free!”
According to sources at Clow, the alien crew captured the ICE agents in Chicago. The agents, allegedly wearing masks and not displaying any IDs, were about to “arrest” someone walking down a sidewalk. Before they could, they were pulled inside the aliens’ ship.
Peter, who asked that we not use their real name, claims the agents were going to arrest him. “At first, I thought angels were saving me from ICE, but then I realized it was a spaceship that saved me. I’m just happy to be saved.”
Peter, a Green Card holder from Canada, doesn’t have a criminal record, and claims his last interview with an Immigration official ended without incident. “A few days ago, I said ‘Zed’ in public instead of ‘Z’. Then I heard a woman say she just heard a terrorist speaking in code. She might have been talking about me. I wonder if Immigration heard about her allegation, terminated my Green Card, and sent ICE to disappear me?”
According to representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the abducted agents were treated well during their captivity. The representatives claim each crew member had their own cabin, three meals a day, snacks, and didn’t implant them with trackers. The representatives agreed that the agents were subject to psychological experiments that caused, “no lasting harm.” The agents, according to the representatives, still protested their detention.
In a recording, an agent in their cabin yelled, “This is Rib Eye Steak! What kind of monsters are you? I want well-done New York Strip Steak now!”
Hours after the abduction, Space Force sent interceptors to retrieve the agents. The alien crew decided to cut their experiments short and land at Clow UFO Base. Once inside the base, Clow officials agreed to take the agents. The Marian Colonial military agreed to escort the crew out of the solar system. Space Force officials, afraid of offending the most powerful civilization in the galaxy, withdrew their interceptors.
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta declined to comment.
When asked to comment on the abduction, White Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said President Donald Trump will rename Mars, “X”, in honor of Elon Musk.
In the background, a person said, “Are your new tariffs on or off tomorrow?”
“On,” said a man who sounded like Trump.
“Great,” the person replied. “I still have time to make some trades before the market closes!”
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
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