Two hackers from a parallel universe hacked into the Village of Bolingbrook’s systems.
“Don’t worry,” said Blake, an IT staffer. “They didn’t touch the garbage fee or property tax databases. As far as we’re concerned, that’s a win for us.”
According to anonymous sources, many employees at Village Hall started receiving mysterious instant messages asking them to click on a link. Those who clicked on the link were locked out of their applications. A message then appeared telling them to wait for a “cool veedo (sic) call.”
“At first I thought it was a Russian ransomware attack,” said Blake. “But when we disconnected the servers from the Internet, employees were still getting messages. It was like the hack was coming from within our own system.”
While the Bolingbrook police started investigating people who didn’t click on the link, Alice, another IT staffer, worked on finding the source of the IMs. “Sometimes I would find a compromised account, but I couldn’t see the activity on that account. Then I would see activity but couldn’t trace it to an account. It was like dealing with a quantum probability wave.”
After an hour, the hackers started a group chat. Two masked Girl Scouts appeared in the chat window. One of them sat in a chair and held a tablet. The other one looked into the camera.
“Hello,” said the standing Girl Scout. “We are the Naughty Ninjas. We have taken over your computers. You must give us all of your Polly Pocket toys, or you’ll be sorry!”
“Thank you,” said the other scout. She started giggling.
“What?” asked the standing scout. She leaned over the other scout, then turned red. “You freed their computers, in exchange for a cat picture?”
The sitting scout nodded vigorously.
“Seriously?” said the standing scout. “Give me that!”
The two girls tugged on the tablet for a few seconds before their troop leader walked on screen. She said they were both naughty, and to leave the room. Both girls pouted and walked out. The troop leader then looked into the camera and gasped.
“Jackie! The girls did something!”
A woman who resembled Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere walked into view. Then she leaned towards the camera: “Hello. Don’t panic. I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but you can call me Jackie. It seems that our naughty girl scouts used our quantum computer to hack into your system. I’m sorry about that. It’s only supposed to access other quantum computers across the multiverse. We don’t mean you any harm. We’re just trying to figure out how to plow snow without burying our cul-de-sacs and destroying mailboxes. Sheldon, can you help.”
A man who resembled Trustee Sheldon Watts walked into view, wearing a Freedom From Religion Foundation polo shirt: “Don’t worry. I’m going to fix it, so your reality is locked out from our search engine. I really hope you have a Richard Dawkins in your universe. He turned my life around.”
“What’s this?” asked Traynere. “It’s a message from Roger. Oh my goodness. Mayor Grumpy Pants is your universe’s mayor.” She read another message, then replied: “Oh in our universe, you were defeated in 2001 by Mayor Ed Rosenthal. That crazy golf club idea was too much to take. Instead, we built a park and outdoor concert venue. We’re hosting Ribfest next year. Just imagine how embarrassing it would have been if Romeoville had outbid us.”
A man who resembled Trustee Michael Carpanzano quickly walked into view. Traynere pointed at the camera and said: “Look. We’re getting a text message from another universe.”
The man read the message. “Really? That low number is Bolingbrook’s all-time high S&P rating in your universe?”
“They built the golf club.”
“Ah. Well, I always like to see the positive side of things. So, I’m glad you cleaned up your mess, alternative universe Roger. Oh, Sheldon is about to disconnect us from your universe forever. So, let me wish you the best of luck, and remember: A united Bolingbrook is the best kind of Bolingbrook.”
The video chat ended.
“That is one strange universe,” said Alice.
When reached for comment, Claar made some unprintable comments before saying: “Once the Supreme Court ends Congressional harassment of our president, you’d better hope they don’t overturn Hustler Magazine v. Falwell!”
Also in the Babbler:
Claar threatens to arrest alien cannabis couriers
Peotone UFO Base bans alcohol sales
Village renews Santa’s home-entry license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/19/19
Note: This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
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