Mayor Claar locks down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)


By Reporter X

UFOIn a surprise announcement, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar locked down Clow UFO Base for the next two weeks.

“This is for the safety of all our visitors,” said Claar.  “This is for many reasons.  We’ve received reports of nonspecific but credible threats to visiting aliens.  We are also concerned about rising tensions between Bolingbrook and Naperville—Tensions that I feel are being stoked by an anonymous Facebook page.  Intelligence officials are also warning about disruptive individuals moving into our neighboring suburbs.  So, as mayor and head administrator of Clow UFO Base, I am confining all of our visitors until I deem outside conditions safe.”

Oigoply, a resident of Proxima Centauri, denounced the confinement: “I came all the way to  Bolingbrook just to try Ko Sushi.  Now I’m stuck here.”

Loigdee, a resident of Barnard’s Star 3, was also disappointed: “I was upset when the WeatherTech store at Clow closed.  Now I find out that I can’t go to the factory store.  I really wanted to buy a dozen floor protectors before my trip to Venus.  The locals love eating them. Roger’s actions are going to have a negative effect on the interplanetary economy.  I thought those huge tax cuts were going to help grow businesses, not shrink them.”

Clow officials denied that the lockdown was an attempt to depress turnout at both the Chicago March to the Polls on January 20 and the Naperville March to the Polls rally on January 21:

“Why would we want to affect the turnout for an unpopular event that will give our visitors the impression that Trump is unpopular and that Democrats have a chance to win the Illinois Sixth Congressional District?”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you need a job?  I heard that Francesca’s is hiring waiters.  You’d have to shave—What?  You want to work for me as a consultant?  Why would I take your advice?  You lost an Alabama Senate seat to the Democrat Party.  What?  You say you can help me?  Help me do what?  Hand over control of the Village Board to the Bolingbrook United Party?  Really?  You and what billionaire are going to drive me out of office?”

Also in the Babbler:

Sam’s Club closes store inside Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar will tweet to his 584 followers if there is a fake nuclear warning
Bolingbrook fights back against Russian snow attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/18/18