By Reporter X

A Space Force dropship crash landed near Royce Road, injuring 23 soldiers and crew. 

Residents near the crash site say they saw a red fireball in the sky. Seconds later, the craft impacted a field near Premier Trailer Leasing. 

One resident, who asked not to be named, said, “At first, I thought it was an Iranian ballistic missile. When I didn’t see it releasing cluster bombs, then I assumed it was a meteor.”

After the impact, residents raced to the crater, hoping to snatch what they thought was now a meteorite. To their surprise, they saw the wreckage of a spaceship with a US flag emblem and the name, “USSF Kash Patel” printed on the side. 

Bill, a resident who did not provide his last name, said, “We weren’t sure if it was a friendly ship or if Trump was invading Bolingbrook. It’s hard to tell what the President is thinking nowadays.”

According to the residents at the crash site, a crew member stepped out of the craft and took off his helmet. The residents claim he said, “We weren’t shot down by a cheap Iranian space drone because our craft is invisible to radar. Anyone who says otherwise is spreading fake news.” The man collapsed and fell unconscious.

Some residents attempted to provide first aid to the injured, but the soldiers refused. 

Jill, who also didn’t provide a last name, said, “One marine was obviously bleeding, but he insisted he was healthy and asked me to stop spreading fake news. When I told him I was a field nurse in the Army, he accused me of being DEI. Let’s just say he now owes his life to a black woman.”

An emergency response team from Clow UFO Base arrived minutes later to evacuate the crew and clean up the accident scene.

Bill said, “A man in blue told me I could either promise to never tell the media what I saw, or I could have my memory erased. Fortunately, he said the Babbler didn’t count as a media outlet, so I can talk to you.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she supported the staff at Clow. “I hope more people will use Clow once this is published, because we could use the business.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Will County Board candidate Sheldon Watts said, “How can I have a Trump problem if I won the Democratic primary?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied, “Because the public hates Trump, and you know (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) will keep posting that photo of you posing with Trump at a fundraiser.”

“But she’s a convicted criminal,” said Watts.

“Let’s see,” said Spencer. “Jackie was convicted of two misdemeanor computer tampering charges. You posed next to a man with 34 felony convictions.”

“But he wasn’t convicted at the time,” said Watts. “Look, I denounced the J7 riot. I volunteered at the 2024 Democratic Convention. I swear to Jesus, I’m a Democrat.”

“That’s nice, but Jesus can’t vote in this election.”

Sheldon sighed and said, “This is going nowhere. Let’s just skip to the part where you tell me your plan.”

Spencer replied, “You’re going to post a better explanation for your appearance with Trump. Each of these notecards has a reason you can use as a starting point. Take a look.”

After a few moments, Watts gasped. “You can’t be serious. ‘I was a victim of (former Mayor Roger Claar’s) cult of personality.’ ‘I was a Trump supporter, but Jesus saved me again.’ ‘A Secret Service said he would shoot me unless I posed with Trump.’ ‘I just wanted to see if Trump had the Mark of the Beast.’ Charlene, I can’t choose any of those reasons.”

“Of course you can. Just let me shuffle the deck. Now pick a card. Any card.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor blames Iran war for higher fuel prices at Clow UFO Base
Palantir gives Bolingbrook a low ‘patriotism score’
Israel threatens to establish ‘settlements’ in Evanston
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/26

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

If you are interested in a dramatic version of the Babbler universe, check out my book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Available at most book retailers. You can also request copies from your local library.