In what some are calling a dangerous escalation in Chicagoland, ICE agents clashed with weredog packs over the weekend.

Sources within the Department of Homeland Security claim weredog ambushes “maimed and crippled” dozens of agents. One alleged attack involved a weredog pack and members of an unidentified South American gang surrounding a single SUV. According to the sources, the agents escaped after using enough tear gas to cover a city block.

One source said, “These (dehumanizing terms redacted) and their attack weredogs tried to stop us from detaining people who looked ‘illegal.’ Let me make this clear. For every one agent they maul, 100 more will take their place! We may not be the heroes Chicago wants, but we are the heroes Chicago needs!”

Eyewitnesses, however, describe seeing ICE agents running away in terror as weredogs chased them out of neighborhoods. No one witnessed weredogs biting or shooting any agents.

Jill, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she witnessed a clash between ICE and a weredoog pack. “I stepped outside and saw masked agents shooting rubber bullets at a pack of stray dogs. They were laughing until the dogs shifted into giant half human/half dog monsters. They switched to real bullets, but they didn’t work. The dogs barked at them, and the agents went back to their van. One yelled, ‘You don’t terrorize us! We terrorize you!’ They drove off, and the weredogs chased after them. I wonder if there’s anything left of their SUV?”

Another eyewitness claims she saw a “Welsh Terrier weredog,” tackle an ICE agent. She said, “The weredog said the agent should be ashamed of working for a ‘puppy killer.’ The agent literally didn’t know what shame was. Personally, that explains a lot of things.”

A spokesperson for DHS threatened to arrest this reporter for “attempting to publish fake news” and wouldn’t comment about the alleged attacks.

An unsigned letter from the Good Dogs of Chicagoland read they were going to protect the “good humans” from the “bad humans.” 

A White House receptionist said President Trump was busy, but he might send a text if “he can’t sleep.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy said, “Now I’m in Marco’s head. He knows that being the acting head of NASA is worth more points than Secretary of State, national security advisor, head of USAID, and archivist combined. He doesn’t like me, but I didn’t come here to make friends. I came here to win!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Editorial: ICE is turning Chicagoland into a war zone
Men in blue protect Trustee Carpanzano from Space Force Marines
Bolingbrook Antifa buys second tank
God to smite ICE on 10/18/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy novels, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers.