Unaffected by the cold weather, dozens of Russian operatives descended upon Bolingbrook to canvas for Mayor Roger Claar’s re-election campaign.
Their coordinator, who asked to be called Albert, insisted that they were there without Claar’s knowledge, but were sure he would appreciate their help. They cited the Trump fundraiser Claar organized for then candidate Donald Trump as the reason for supporting him. “Roger helped our candidate Trump win. That makes Roger our friend. We will help our friend win in return.” They said they were not trying to “hack the election“, but provide “positive information about Roger and the Keeping Bolingbrook First Party, while providing unflattering information about Jackie Traynere, and Bolingbrook United.”
Albert allowed the Babbler’s reporters to accompany his team as they canvassed Bolingbrook. Each team seemed to have information about each household they visited. Albert insisted the information wasn’t from state-sponsored hacking but from Facebook Quizzes that all residents knowingly took.
At one house, a canvasser called Anna, introduced herself and asked, “You like Bolingbrook, yes?”
The resident replied, “Yes. I’ve lived here for over thirty years, and it’s never been better.”
“Keeping Bolingbrook First made that possible. You want to keep Bolingbrook first, right?”
“Absolutely. I will vote to keep to keep Bolingbrook first.”
Next door, Igor introduced himself and said, “Bolingbrook hasn’t been good lately, no?”
The resident replied, “No. I’ve lived here most of my life, and it’s changed too much. It seems like there are too many Section 8 residents, if you know what I mean.”
“What if I told you that that Jackie is the mayor of Bolingbrook—“
“Lock her up! I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“No problem. What if I told you that Roger wants to be mayor so he can put Bolingbrook first?”
“Roger? I like the sound of that name, if you know what I mean.”
At another home, a resident, who asked only to be identified as Jane, insisted that she couldn’t vote for Claar.
Ana replied. “But Jackie does not support using village funds to give every resident a universal income. She won’t provide universal health care to all village residents. She won’t ban all cars from Bolingbrook. She’s never called for a workers’ uprising!”
“(Expletive deleted)! If Jackie won’t give me exactly what I want, then I won’t vote for anyone!” She slammed the door.
“We are happy with that.” Ana replied.
Albert defended his team’s tactics. “We give you good news, and Bolingbrook does not question good news. You follow strong mayor who follows strong President who follows strong Putin. You will be rewarded. Question good news and you will end up like Hillary Clinton.”
In addition to canvassing for Claar, Albert said that Russia will launch two “pro-Roger” websites: Roger Today and Explorer 1.
When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was doing a teleconference with the White House, and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t like the media either, but I don’t know if using this foreign word will help us.”
Bolingbrook United could not be reached for comment.
Also in this week’s Babbler:
Chicagoland braces for Soviet Ice Attack
Sources: No Trump Tower in Bolingbrook
Aliens leaving Bolingbrook ahead of Trump inauguration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/17.