Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

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Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base locked down after invisible alien protest (Fiction)

End the Roger Claar Dictatorship

Photo of an alien protest sign?

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar ordered a lockdown of Clow UFO Base after invisible aliens picketed in front of his re-election campaign office.

Claar made the announcement over the intercom: “All off-base passes are revoked for visitors.  All abductions are suspended.  No one gets a lawyer.  You are guilty until I say you are innocent! This is not a democracy!  This is my UFO base, and you do not protest me.  Ever!  You must follow my dictates for I am the mayor of Bolingbrook and a very important member of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

The protest started when Claar announced that all human disguises must be bought from the Melania Trump store, and be decorated with Ivanka Trump clothing.  Some aliens tried to attend a protest organized by Vote Roger Out in 2017, but they did not see any human protesters.

Okblogok decided to take matters into its’ own appendages.  “If you want a protest done right, you have to organize it yourself.”  “It” discovered that Clow had no rule against invisible nude aliens leaving the base, as long as they had a pass.  Okblogok claims to have gathered 100 aliens at one of the exits.  “It” then lead a two hour march to the campaign headquarters of Claar’s political party, Bolingbrook First.  Along the way, the aliens sang protest songs, and said chants, like “Breathe Fresh Air!  Don’t vote Claar!”

“I used to laugh at human protesters whenever they made noises.” said Okblogok.  “Now I understand why.  It gives the participants something to do, and makes them feel like part of a larger group.”

Though no humans claim to have seen the march, Ron, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have felt them.

“I was walking down the sidewalk when I bumped into something.  After I paused, something else bumped into me.  That kept happening.  So I sat down on the grass since I thought I was having an acid flashback.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nap, and the Bolingbrook Police were about to arrest me.”

Once the aliens arrived, they used an ultrahigh frequency bullhorn to call out expenditures from Claar’s campaign fund.  Most humans could not hear the aliens, but Okblogok was certain Claar and his covert employees could hear them.

“$159.88 for lunch in California?”  one protestor asked.  “You do realize that California residents can’t vote for you, right?”

Another chimed in:  “You have over $500,000 in your campaign fund.  Why aren’t you paying all of your campaign staffers?  I’ll bet Bolingbrook United has more paid staff members than you!”

Bob Langley, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base, said that the ban will be lifted, “Once we know exactly what’s going on.”  He added, “This protest was unhygienic, and if any of the invisibility cloaks had failed…. Well, it could have lead to a very embarrassing situation.”

When this reporter tried to call Claar, his receptionist said he was taking a very important phone call, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Democrats in Cook County are hosting a fundraiser for my opponent.  Can you persuade Donald Trump to help me out? Yes, Bolingbrook does have an Islamic cultural center.  We even celebrate Pakistan Day.  Um, Are you OK, Steve?  It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone do a diabolical laugh in real life.”

Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”

Aliens observe Women’s March on Chicago (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Women and women marching. Above them, a UFO has the text, "There is intelligent life on Earth!"

Enhanced photo of a UFO over the Women’s March on Chicago. (William Brinkman)

In addition to an estimated 250,000 humans, aliens also attended the Women’s March on Chicago.

Chicago’s Orange Squad, which deals with paranormal activity in Chicago, reported no arrests or disturbances.  One source said: “Everyone played by the rules.  Only the aliens with low-altitude permits flew over the march.  The marchers didn’t riot.  Maybe if we treat other protest organizers with the same respect as we did the Women’s March organizers, all them would be peaceful.  Why aren’t you laughing?”

Zo Goop, who runs a flyover service out of Clow UFO Base, was pleased with the march.  “With the election, I was worried that humanity was starting to revert to the barbarism and bigotry from over 70 Earth orbits ago.  Seeing so many people out there gave me hope.  President Trump will be a step backwards for humanity, but I have hope that humanity will someday move forward.”

Po Zoe, a resident of Wolf 1061c, was even more enthusiastic.  “There is intelligent life on Earth after all.”

Some aliens, like Gar Zeb, mingled among the crowd.  “I liked the free snacks the socialist parties were handing out,” she said.  “But it was hard to hear the speakers or see the stage.  I heard they were only planning for 50,000 people and 200,000 more showed up.  Maybe if they had also used the People’s Mic, like they did at Occupy, more people would have gotten the message.”

Additionally, there were so many people that the organizers had to cancel the march and turn the event into a rally.  Zeb was disappointed, but understood: “When I navigated through the crowd, I came upon groups doing their own chants and speeches.  It was like attending several rallies at once.  My human suit was damaged, but the experience was worth it!”

Zex Splen, from Kepler-452B, complained that the marches had to happen at all.  “Five orbits ago, I was going to donate to the Democratic Party, because they support women’s rights on this continent.  But no!  My New World Order representative told me that women were going to be fine.  Hillary Clinton was going to be the next President.  So I did what they said, and donated to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  I come back to find the JREF is no more, the NWO is at war with the Illuminati, and someone wearing a poorly painted human suit is humiliating Hillary.  Instead of moving forward, women are about to be consumed by a black hole of masculinity.  I feel ripped off.  This time I’m investing in feminist groups, and I hope I’m not too late!”

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