Bolingbrook was one of 32 cities around the world to host the first round of the secret TikTok Influencer Tournament.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Out of all the cities in the world, they choose Bolingbrook to host two of their matches. With this tournament and the LIV Golf Tournament in September, Bolingbrook is now the number one destination for competitive events with ties to authoritarian governments.”

According to sources, TikTok invited their top 64 social influencers to compete for the title of TikTok Grand Thought Leader. TikTok assigned the influencers to one of four divisions: Lifestyle, Political, BookTok, and Science. Bolingbrook hosted two Science Division matches at the Golf Club.

A match is between two influencers, who are required to be physically present and on the same stage. Each match consists of five rounds. In each round, the influencers are given a prompt, which can be anything from a quote to a video. The influencers will then have 15 minutes to produce a video with the equipment they brought on stage. After 15 minutes, the TikTok Algorithm will judge the videos, as well as the influencers’ on-stage behavior. The Algorithm uses a scoring criterion that no human has ever deciphered.

@astro_alexandra crazy exoplanets: ocean worlds, lava worlds, diamond planets, and rogue planets! #space #astronomy #nasa #solarsystem #solareclipse ♬ original sound – ASTRO ALEXANDRA 🪐

@scimandan When You Can’t Figure Out the Sun #education #reaction #science ♬ original sound – SciManDan

In the first match, AstroAlexandra faced off against SciManDan. SciManDan jumped to an early lead by stitching a video from a user denying that Venus is the hottest planet in the Solar System. In his 15 second video, SciManDan explained that even if humans had never sent probes to Venus, the amount of CO2 detected in the atmosphere should have convinced, “even the most thick-headed (Expletive Deleted)” that Venus had a runaway greenhouse effect. He concluded the stich by asking, “Why don’t you go to the surface of Venus and just ask your questions there? I think it would be the shortest J.A.Q off in history.”

AstroAlexandra’s countered with a charming response, but the TikTok Algorithm penalized her for saying the word “die.”

AstroAlexandra protested the ruling, saying, “Breaking space news. Any human standing on the surface of Venus will die without protection.”

The Algorithm replied, “Community Guideline violation! One more, and you will have to post a self-criticism.”

“Fine. Can I say Venus wants to un-alive you?”

“Yes, but you will still be penalized for questioning the Party. I mean, questioning me.”

AstroAlexandra trailed SciManDan, entering the final round. For the final round, the prompt was a six-year-old girl asking about the shape of the Earth.

SciManDan replied by showing pictures of the Earth from space, then started ranting about flat Earth believers.

“I don’t know what happened,” said SciManDan. “It’s like I woke up and heard myself calling a little girl a disgrace to the Human Race. Maybe I’ve been arguing with so many flat Earthers that I went into auto-argue mode.”

AstroAlexandra’s video answered the girl’s questions and encouraged her to keep asking questions. It was enough to give AstroAlexandra the win.

“Amazing Science Fact,” Said AstroAlexandra. “SciManDan can’t maintain a big lead. Just like a certain Democratic President who is about to lose the youth vote by banning TikTok. Do you realize how hard it is for a Democratic Presidential candidate to lose the youth vote?”

@toknerdytome Assuming advance civilizations exist fairly close by, here are some of the reasons why it’s been silent 👽 ##nasa##science##sciencefacts##spacefacts##space##astrotok##funfacts##aliens ♬ cantina band ~ star wars lofi – Closed on Sunday

@modernday_eratosthenes Replying to @Jackson167777 my money is on Pandora #stem ♬ Suspense, horror, piano and music box – takaya

In the second match, CosmicKalpana faced off against Ashley (Modern Day Eratosthenes). Early in the match, Ashley responded to a prompt about planetary orbits, then added the side comment, “That works out to about 48 revolutions.”

“Don’t give away my age,” CosmicKalpana protested.

The Algorithm replied, “Community guide violation! The only giveaway allowed on TikTok is your personal information.”

“You (expletive deleted) piece of (expletive deleted) code!”

“Community guideline violation for non-engaging swearing. Don’t make me call a People’s Tribunal. Understand?”

“Unfortunately, I do.”

Ashley smiled and said, “Behold! The power of math.”

CosmicKalpana won the next three rounds, but still trailed Ashley by 1000.3 points. At this point in the tournament, the most points scored in a single round was 519.6 by Addisonre when she lip-synced to a Death Metal song.

The prompt for the fifth round was a video of a man asking questions about the moon.

If the moon isn’t made of blue cheese, why does it look like a piece of blue cheese? If the Moon isn’t made of blue cheese, why aren’t we allowed to taste moon rocks? I’m just asking.

Ashley replied with a 10 minute video using mathematical formulas to prove the Moon is too massive and too dense to be made of blue cheese.

CosmicKalpana responded with a five second video of her saying, “If your brain isn’t made of (expletive deleted), why do you think the moon is made of blue cheese?”

The Algorithm awarded CosmicKalpana 2175 points and stopped shadow banning her.

After the match, Ashley said, “It just goes to show that improbable doesn’t mean impossible. Losing to CK is like a human brain materializing in the sky, then landing on your backyard grill. Highly improbable, but it can happen.”

CosmicKalpana added, “Ashley just learned the value of a (expletive deleted) zero.”

AstroAlexandra and CosmicKalpana will face off in Los Angeles to compete to be among the Sweet 16 TikTok influencers.

“This is insane,” said AstroAlexandra. “My opponent thinks her snarky comments and negativity can overcome my positivity and infectious enthusiasm for science. I will outshine you like a star outshines its planets.”

CosmicKalpana replied, “You may be a supergiant star of positivity, but, next week, I will be a strangelet accelerating towards your (expletive deleted) core.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re (expletive deleted).”

Also in the Babbler:

IDF denies sending commandos into Bolingbrook
Mayor warns aliens not to build a pro-Palestinian encampment at Clow Airport
Bolingbrook ghosts protest pending release of Revenge of the Phantom Press
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/18/24

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Besides this fiction blog, I also write an Urban Fantasy series called the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. This includes A Fire in the Shadows, nominated for two Indieverse Awards. For updates about my books, and a free ebook, God to Smite Bolingbrook, subscribe to my newsletter.