Web Exclusive: Canadian wildfire smoke wreaks havoc at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

From intoxicated aliens to emergency landings, the smoke from Canadian wildfires is wreaking havoc at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

An anonymous staffer said, “We never expected having the worst air quality in the world. So, we’re experiencing some challenges keeping the base open.”

One of those challenges is aliens sneaking outside to get high off the smoke. Sources claim unauthorized visits have increased by 49% since the smoke covered the Chicago area.

Twyla, who asked that we not use her real name, claims an intoxicated alien stumbled into her backyard.

“I looked out my window and saw this armor-plated alien dancing. I should have been scared, but I was ticked off. I had to stay inside to breathe, and this thing was having a ball. So,I took a chance and opened the door. Before I started coughing, I told it to get off my yard. That thing looked at me and said, ‘Peace, love, wood smoke!’ It passed out after that. The Men in Blue took care of it, but it never should have reached my house in the first place.”

Officials blamed the smoke for two emergency landings at Clow.

Siydo, captain of a freight UFO, said the smoke destroyed her ship’s engines.

“My ship can handle interstellar dust, asteroid collisions, and radiation. Everything except this smoke! What are they burning?”

According to a resident, a ship landed in her backyard instead of a landing pad.

“I didn’t believe in aliens until this ship landed. I went out to greet them. It’s not like I could run away if they were hostile. The first alien stepped outside and died. So sad. Another stepped out and noticed me. It looked at its wrist, then said, ‘We made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Please don’t call us George.’ They left, and now I have a grass circle in my yard.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised Clow’s staff, and asks residents to remain strong. “We can stay inside and hope that wildfires don’t start in Illinois. Can you imagine how bad the smoke from those fires would be?”

She insisted the smoke would be gone in time for the All American Celebration on July 4th.

Busy Week (Non-fiction)

Not sure if I’ll get a story in this week. I’m prepping for an interview and workshop, and, hopefully, I’ll hear back from one of the places I’ve interviewed at.

The new novel is coming along. At this point, I’m thinking that I’ll finish the first draft next year, but I could surprise myself. Right now, I’m working on a scene that takes place at Navy Pier Grand Ballroom. I’ve been there once for an awards ceremony. It was part of the original Pier, and quite a contrast from the strip mall on the lake.

In the meantime, if you subscribe to my monthly newsletter, you’ll get a free copy of God to Smite Bolingbrook, a collection of my pre-Freethought Blogs stories. This eBook is only available through my newsletter. Plus I’ll have a couple of special announcements in next month’s edition.

If I don’t post again this week, I should have story up by next week.  Maybe Brookbot will return…

 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Bears? (Fiction)

Bolingbrook may have joined Arlington Heights, Naperville, and Waukegan to be the new home of the Bears.

According to anonymous sources with relatives who have friends that each have a connection to the Village of Bolingbrook, the village submitted an “extensive proposal” to the team. The alleged proposal includes:

  • “Supporting” the construction of a $2 Billion stadium to be built under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
  • $3 Billion in property tax credits.
  • Provide “subsidies” to build an extensive tunnel network.
  • Free Americana Estates lots for players and management to build “high end housing.”
  • All local elected officials swearing an oath to only make positive statements about the team.

One anonymous source defended the proposal. “This is a win for everyone. The Bears get a state-of-the-art stadium. The property values for Americana Estates will skyrocket, which means the village will make money when they sell their lots and when they collect property taxes! The big spenders can take the elevator to the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The residents won’t have to deal with football traffic. Local businesses won’t be overwhelmed with fans. It might even be profitable someday. Just like the Golf Club will be in the future!”

Not all residents are impressed with the plan. Peter X. Lott, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, says the plan is irresponsible.

“Everyone knows they built Bolingbrook over the remains of a pre-Ice Age metropolis. One careless dig is all it would take to turn our wonderful community into a sinkhole!”

A source connected to the Bears doubts they will select Bolingbrook. “Honestly, we’re just trying to scare all the taxing bodies in Arlington Heights. They assumed we committed to them after buying Arlington Park for $197.2 million. But we’re used to losing millions drafting and trading for worthless players. So if they want a chance at any of our money, they’re going to let us sack them!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied the village was lobbying the Bears to move to Bolingbrook. “Stadium deals aren’t worth it. There are better ways to help Bolingbrook. Like celebrating the refurbishing of Bolingbrook Commons!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “We should start using BrookBot to make important decisions. It’ll make us look like a community of the future.”

“I don’t know,” said a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. “BrookBot. A bus picks up three passengers. At the next stop, one passenger leaves, and five get on. At the next stop, four passengers leave and one gets on. At the next stop, two leave, and one gets on. How many stops did the bus make?”

A digital voice replied, “42!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Subscribe to my newsletter to get free eBook, God to Smite Bolingbrook. You can also buy me a coffee.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.