Editorial Board: Time for School District D211 to move forward on transgender locker room access (Mixed)

Four years ago, Palatine-Schaumburg High School District 211 stopped banning transgender students from locker rooms but required them to change in privacy stalls.  Now the district is considering allowing access to the locker rooms of their gender identity without requiring them to use a privacy stall. 

If enacted, it will be a welcome and long-overdue change.  Requiring trans students to change in stalls, while leaving it optional for everyone else, is dehumanizing segregation.  Attempted suicide rates among trans youth are already too high.  Trans people are more likely to be victims of violent crimes than perpetrators. The Trump administration is trying to roll back protections for transgender people.  D211 does not need to contribute to this effort.

We have heard the arguments against open access to trans people, and find them unimpressive.  To be frank, they read more like someone took old homophobic arguments and replaced the word “gay” with “trans.”  While we understand the Slippery Slope Fallacy, we do believe that the “privacy” arguments being used against trans students could easily be used against other members of the LBGTQ+ community.

The D211 Board says it needs more time to consider this policy.  We offer this suggestion:  Other school districts have implemented this policy without incident, D211 should do the same. Cisgender people have nothing to fear from trans folk in locker rooms or restrooms. However, when trans folk are forced to use the facilities of their biological gender which are a mismatch to their outer appearance and inner selves, they are at risk for violence from cis-gendered folk .

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

From the Webmaster: Bolingbrook United’s writeup of Mayor Claar’s campaign fund (Mixed)

This week Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s official opposition party, posted the first of a three part series about Mayor Roger Claar’s campaign fund.

Mr. Claar’s ability to raise money also dwarfs that of other mayors. In 2018 alone, Mayor Claar received more donations per-capita than Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot. Mayor Lightfoot raised $2.76 per capita while Mayor Claar raised $3.69 per capita. In fact, as evidenced by the breakdown below, no other local mayor comes close to Mayor Claar’s per capita amount raised.

 

The numbers are correct. It should be noted that his campaign fund has had close to $500,000 in the past. Part two will deal with how he spends the money. I won’t spoil it, bu I will say I always get laugh at how the expenses each quarter are rationalized as campaign expenses.

 

This is all legal under Illinois campaign laws, and he’s not the only offender. Claar has spent most of his political career teaching a masterclass on how to bend campaign finance rules. The rules really should be changed.

 

It is interesting that BU decided to run this as a classified ad in Bolingbrook Patch. Our classified ad manager was willing to waive the 100 word limit, but our quote exceeded their campaign fund.

 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

“We’re first!” A Bolingbrook Babbler post-election special report

We sent out teams of reporters to cover the 2019 Consolidated Election in Bolingbrook. The following are their stories:

Illuminati celebrates First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the Village Trustee race

At an Illuminati victory party held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, Mayor Roger Claar announced the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the trustee race:

“We’re first!”

The audience of Illuminati dignitaries roared with excitement.

“We kept Bolingbrook. We kept Clow UFO Base. We kept the New World Order at bay. Ford!”

Claar then brought in the winning candidates, Michael Carpanzano, Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta, and current Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Claar said: “I want to thank the people who cast over 11,000 thousand votes for my trustees. To the people who cast over 9 thousand votes against me, shame on you! The Illuminati is winning. We will destroy all nations and only great communities, like Bolingbrook, will remain. Before I die, I will have absolute power in Bolingbrook, and no one, not even the state democratic party, will save my foes from my wrath!”

Watts wiped tears from his eyes as he made his victory speech: “Two years ago, I finished in last place, and shamed Roger. On that day, I turned my life over, again, to the greatest engineer in the universe, God. Today, I finished first. I feel like I have been resurrected, and I could experience stigmata at any moment! Thanks Roger, for not casting me back to the pit of the DuPage Township.”

Carpanzano reached out to residents who didn’t vote for him: “If you didn’t vote for us, even though we care, I will be happy to re-educate you. If you refuse to be re-educated, and still support our foes over the residents of Bolingbrook, then—”

Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp from his coat pocket and extended his arm. The dignitaries chanted, “Carp! Carp!”

Alexander-Basta nervously thanked the gathered dignitaries. “Thank all of you for your support. I can’t wait to work with our alien friends to make the Bolingbrook STEM association the best STEM group in human history. Um, Roger. Am I supposed to say ‘Ford’ or ‘Fnord’ at this point?”

“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you will support me when I announce my plans to build a space elevator and take out more bonds to do it, yes?”

“Um. I guess, since that debt would be good debt and we can never have too much good debt. I think?”

Claar laughed. “I’m just joking. Don’t worry. You’re going to be fit right in with all the other trustees I’ve had over the years.”

No Candidate Filed celebrates Plainfield Library Board victory

Two years ago, a Plainfield resident woke up and discovered that he had legally changed his name to No Candidate Filed. He thought he had ruined his life. Today, he is now a trustee on the Plainfield Library Board.

“Anything is possible in the Southwest Suburbs,” said Filed. “If I can make it, anyone can!”

Filed said his first priority was to make sure the Library Board is run like a governmental body, and not a business.

“I don’t think Jason Cann and I are going to get along, but I don’t care. God is on my side!”

Bolingbrook United tells New World Order: We’re not done yet!

Despite failing to gain any seats on the Bolingbrook Village Board, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz told New World Order dignitaries to look at the positives.

“Before election night,” he said to the crowd gathered at the New World Order victory party, “Bolingbrook United only had one elected official. Today, we have a representative on the Park District, the Plainfield Library Board, and the Joliet Junior College board. When all the votes are counted, we might even have a seat on the Valley View Board. I would have liked an ally on the village board, but I can live with the fact that Roger will now have to deal with dissenting opinions on three or four boards. That’s progress.”

Jaskiewicz also mentioned that it took Claar decades to build his political machine, and it wouldn’t go away over night.

“Next time, we’ll be even more prepared, and we’ll have our secret weapon.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere then took the podium and said: “I’ll be back.”

Maripat Oliver consoles her alien cheerleaders

By Reporter X

DuPage Township trustee and former Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver visited Clow UFO Base to console the Maripats, an alien cheerleader squad.

“I was so moved when I heard your first cheer,” said Oliver. She then cheered, “Maripat is where it’s at!” She later added, “When my car was vandalized, I thought about that cheer, and knew that I had to keep running.”

“We’re sorry we couldn’t vote for you,” said Poxdosk. “We can’t stand the thought of Roger running this UFO Base again. Did you know that he’s already demanding that his office be stocked with rum and Coke?”

Though Maripat Oliver never held any campaign events at Clow, the Maripats marched around Clow and recited cheers in support of her campaign.

“I think we got one person to vote for you.” The alien started to ooze green tears from its arms. “But it wasn’t enough.”

Oliver hugged each cheerleader, with their permission, then asked them for help.

“There are two creepy men who drive over 200 miles just to bully me at township meetings. It would really be nice of all of you to dress up in human suits, and cheer me on whenever they speak.”

“We can do that!”

Bored Billionaire endorses 2021 Bolingbrook mayoral candidate

Peter Z. Zinn, who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire, announced that he was backing James Gaston for mayor in 2021.

“His ideas are so outside the box that you can’t see the box from where they are. He’ll be a fun candidate to watch, and fun candidates make fun campaigns. I like fun campaigns. Especially after this race. We need more fun in Bolingbrook.”

According to Gaston’s platform, he intends to:

* Make every governing body in Bolingbrook to donate .3 percent of their funding to a college fund.

* Make Bolingbrook self-sufficient enough that it could eliminate all taxes

* Build a village owned apartment complex and rent it for a profit.

* Bring a minor league team to Bolingbrook.

* Expand Clow Airport and bring in major airlines to offer passenger service.

Instead of donating to Gaston’s campaign, Zinn said he would from a Super PAC to back Gaston and any trustee candidates that endorsed his platform.

“I don’t want to get in his way, but I do want to make sure he gets his way once he’s elected.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Gaston campaign said, “You know, if the village owned an atheist blog network like Freethought Blogs, we could eliminate all local taxes, and still have enough to buy out WeatherTech! Those bloggers must be billionaires!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Chicagoland braces for brutal Russian weather attack: A Babbler team report (Fiction)

Chicagoland is bracing for Russia’s latest weather attack.  Sources say they are using their Tesla weather control tower to unleash  Winter Storm Jayden and record cold temperatures on Bolingbrook and the rest of Chicagoland.  We sent out a team of reporters to see how our region is preparing for this attack.

Bolingbrook’s warming centers will not discriminate based on secret society membership.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says staff at its warming centers will not ask residents about their secret society affiliations:

“Just because I’m a member of the Illuminati does not mean I want my residents to freeze to death.  Oh, and I suppose I don’t want my foes who live in Bolingbrook to freeze either.  If your heater doesn’t work, come to a center to warm your heart and mind.  Then remember this moment when a foe knocks on your door and says I’m evil!”

An anonymous member of Bolingbrook United, which is affiliated with the New World Order, sent this reply:

“We think it is great that Bolingbrook has warming centers, and we support them too.  We also support the idea that snowplows shouldn’t leave piles of snow in front of our residents’ driveways. Warming centers are useless if residents can’t reach them.”

Anonymous DuPage Township Trustee: Not even Winter Storm Jayden! will stop us from electing a new Supervisor

The DuPage Township will still hold a special meeting on January 29 at 7 PM at 241 Canterbury LN, Bolingbrook, IL to elect a new Supervisor.

“We need to replace (Former Supervisor William Mayer),” said an anonymous DuPage Township Trustee.  “And nothing will stop us.  If a nuclear war starts on that day, we will still find a way to meet!”

The Trustee added that no one should risk their lives to attend:

“You must assess the risk if you are thinking about attending our meeting.  Is driving over 200 miles to tell us we must resign really worth risking your car breaking down and freezing to death in the middle of downstate Illinois?”

Clow and other Chicagoland UFO Bases insist they are ready for the bad weather

By Reporter X

Despite Chicago being the target of a Russian weather attack, all three UFO Bases expect to remain open.

“Clow UFO Base has excellent traffic control systems,” said Aplodoxage Glomox, the Acting Administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “Plus, most interstellar spacecraft are designed to withstand conditions found on Jovian planets and planets like Venus.  This storm is nothing compared to the Great Red Spot.”

Paul X. Zacks, Administrator for Peotone UFO Base, says he expects business as usual during the week:

“We’re expecting freight from Titan on Wednesday,” said Zacks.  “The captain told me the crew wants to step outside and enjoy the ‘warm’ weather.” 

He also added that staff will live inside the base during the weather attack.

Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen insists Rob Sherman UFO Base will be able to handle severe weather this time:

“All the problems we had last time were due to Illuminati sabotage.  We’ve upped security, and added more traffic control centers.  I’ve assured the New World Order that we are ready to accept the delegation from Pluto and not to worry about that Illuminati attack against Durty Nellies.”

Mayor Jim Schwantz then walked into the office.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just telling this reporter  that your State of the Village Address is still on for January 30.”

“Of course it is.  The state of the village is great, just like the Chicago Bears!  You should also mention that unlike a certain village south of us, my address is free and open to the public!”

Bolingbrook Skeptics deny Russian Weather attack

The Bolingbrook Skeptics sent out a press release insisting that the Russians do not have a weather control machine.

“Tesla is overrated and only cited by unenlightened people. We call upon all Bolingbrook residents to ignore this weather control nonsense and focus on more important issues.  Like the rise of Critical Theory!”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler is not laying off reporters
Wereskunks deny forcing residents to house wild skunks
Chicago residents disappointed that Lake Michigan monster is still alive
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/19

Clow UFO Base survives another holiday concert (Fiction)

The acting administrator of Clow UFO Base, Aplodoxage Glomox, praised the organizers of this years holiday concert at Clow UFO Base.

“Any concert that does not end in a riot is a success,” said Glomox.

This year’s concert was co-hosted by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  The two were chosen because Clow UFO Base will be returned to the village after the April Consolidated election.  Either Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook or Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United will control the village board after the election.

“This is the time of year when people of all faiths wish for joy and peace,” said Jaskiewicz during the introduction to the concert.

“It’s also the time of year we don’t call our enemies stupid liars,” added Claar.  “Instead, we struggle to recognize their humanity.”

“I thought we agreed not to do any ‘gotcha moments.’”

“I don’t recall saying that, Wojtyła.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Local performers included the Clow UFO Base’s Visitor’s Choir, the Bolingbrook Garbage Toter Drill Team, and the Clow UFO Base Drama Club.  Unlike past holidays, none of the performers were banned following the concert.

One performer from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel was injured while attempting to juggle several burning menorahs while balancing on top of a giant spinning dreidel. During the performance, she lost her balance and the menorahs ignited her clothes as she fell.

“Happy Chanukah!” she said while on fire.  “You’ve been a great audience.”  Stage crew then extinguished the fire and rushed her to a medical bay.  After the concert, the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said she was expected to make a full recovery.

DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver, who is also a candidate for Village Trustee, addressed the audience:

“There are so many holidays this time of year.  What makes Bolingbrook great is that we have the freedom to celebrate all of them.  Our diverse community is what makes Bolingbrook first among the suburbs of Chicagoland. Our love for this village is what unites us all.  Oh, did I mention that there’s never been a scandal involving the Township’s interstellar charity work?”

The concert concluded with a surprise performance by Tim Minchin, who had been banned for life following his performance last year.

“I was told by my friend Aplodoxage that I could have any performer I wanted,” said Jaskiewicz.  “So I brought back Tim.  Sorry, your last movie bombed.”

Minchin performed for an hour, and finished his set by singing “White Wine in the Sun.”

 

When he finished singing, he held up a banner that read, “Not the first person to believe that being sentient unites us all.  Universe first!”

Later, a human woman was heard screaming, “I’ve changed my mind!  I don’t want to run.  Erase my memory!  I can’t go on knowing that the Babbler is right!”

When reached for comment, Claar said, “Fine, I’ll play along this year.  Peace on Earth.  Donate to H2O.  I’m endorsing the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat is a name thief.  Give Michael Carpanzano a chance to prove himself.  What I want for Christmas is for Joe Giamanco to sue himself.  Mary Christmas and happy holidays to every real resident of Bolingbrook.  I invite all readers of Freethought Blogs to visit Bolingbrook.  Now stop calling me!  Do you know what time it is in California?”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientist fails to breed flying reindeer
UFO crashes near Palatine
Wereskunks arrested after starting a campfire to warm skunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

Reminder: Foundation Beyond Belief is raising funds for Hurricane relief (Non-fiction)

Just a reminder that the humanist charity, Foundation Beyond Belief, is still raising funds for hurricane relief, including for the victims of Hurricane Michael.

Funds will be used for HDR beneficiary grants and/or for the Humanist Disaster Recovery (HDR) program in order to enable volunteer deployments in hurricane-affected areas. As always, FBB’s goal is to maximize donated dollars to be as effective as possible, and potential grantees undergo a thorough vetting process to ensure they are secular, efficient, and fiscally sound.

A little bit more about FBB:

Foundation Beyond Belief is a humanist charity that promotes secular volunteering and responsible charitable giving. Guided by the principles of secular humanism, our mission is to:

  • Unite the humanist community in volunteering and charitable efforts.
  • Advocate for compassionate action throughout the world.

We forward our mission through these programs:

  • Grants: providing an avenue for humanists to regularly give to highly qualified and vetted charities in a number of cause areas.
  • Disaster Recovery: providing humanists an avenue to donate to a qualified and vetted charity in the event of a disaster and sending volunteers out to help rebuild after a disaster strikes.
  • Service Corps: An international volunteering program supporting and strengthening local, well-established nonprofits to improve lives.
  • Volunteer Network: supporting secular groups in doing service activities in their local communities with our Beyond Belief Network.

In short, Foundation Beyond Belief is humanity at work.

I appreciate the work that they do, and it is nice to see that there is more to secular activism than filing lawsuits and putting up billboards.

 

Bolingbrook United announces their 2019 candidates (Non-fiction)

The following is a press release from the Bolingbrook United Party.

Two years ago, a small group of residents met to discuss local issues, government waste and the need for the Village of Bolingbrook to end its history of political elitism which forbids individuals from any real participation in local government and promoted pay to play politics. In addition to their concern over the notable shortfalls of local government, they wanted to further prosperity within the community as a whole, not just for the well connected. As a result of that meeting the Bolingbrook United political party was formed and its first candidate, Bob Jaskiewicz was later elected to the village board in April of 2017.

Despite being outspent by their opponents by more than a 2 to 1 margin and existing for only a few months before the 2017 election, Bolingbrook United came within less than 1⁄2 of 1% of the votes needed to also win the contest for mayor, village clerk, and another village trustee position. This strong showing from what was a grassroots effort confirmed that village residents are no longer satisfied by the status quo.

Since the 2017 municipal election, Bolingbrook United has continued to grow in its membership, visibility, and leadership in Bolingbrook. As Bolingbrook United looks towards the 2019 municipal election, on the evening of September 12, 2019, the group announced its intended slate of candidates for a range of local governmental bodies. Those candidates and some basic information about each are found at the bottom of this press release.

Over the coming weeks and months, Bolingbrook United’s candidates will start gathering petitions for signatures to appear on the ballot and hosting various campaign events between now and election day, April 2, 2019.

To join Bolingbrook United’s efforts, become a volunteer, help collect signatures or for additional information please contact the party through any of its candidates or Joe Giamanco via joe@glawpartners.com. Be sure to “like” the Bolingbrook United Facebook page at www.facebook.com/bolingbrookunited to follow the campaign.

Candidates for Village Trustee:

Ajaz Gill – a 30 year resident of Bolingbrook, Ajaz was born in Pakistan where he met his wife Rizwana and started his own business. Ajaz moved to Bolingbrook in 1989 and started Midwest Draperies in 1990. Ajaz and his wife are the parents of three sons, all who received their education within the Valley View 365U School System. He leads his life by his core values of hard work, respect, and loyalty. He is an active member in the local Mosque and considered a leader by the congregation. Ajaz joined Bolingbrook United because he recognized the group’s ability and desire to unite us all in the party’s support for a common cause for equality, regardless of gender, race, faith and it celebrated that which makes us all a unique, the fabric of this diverse country. Ajaz believes that the skills that he has learned as a business owner and as a leader at the Mosque, will allow him to work on issues key to Bolingbrook and what is best for its residents.

Jaime Olson – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook, the mother to two fabulous children and is married to Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco. Jaime moved to Bolingbrook in 2006 to laydown roots and start a family. Jaime graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in history (with honors) and political science and received her Juris Doctor from DePaul University College of Law in 2002. Jaime has worked as an administrative law judge, attorney, a manager and a specialist in labor and employee relations. Jaime currently serves as the Labor Relations Officer for the General Services Administration in Chicago. Since moving to Bolingbrook, Jaime has been active in the community, serving as a Girl Scout leader, a soccer coach with the Bolingbrook Soccer club, the vice president of the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County, and member of the marketing committee for local charity Power Connection. Jaime has also been involved in and assisted with PTA, Bolingbrook Pride, and her neighborhood Home Owners Association and provided free legal assistance to our community during Lawyers in the Library inaugural event. She is also the founder and primary contributor to the Facebook group “Bolingbrook Events”. Jaime wants to help make our community better and ensure that our children are not saddled with the debt created by the current administration. Jaime believes her desire to help others, as well as her work and civic experience, have provided her with the knowledge and experience necessary to be a good Trustee.

Terri Ransom – A 19-year resident of Bolingbrook, Terri is the newly appointed DuPage Township Democrat’s Precinct Captain for Precinct 31, current Board
more than 25 years of Information Technology experience in the financial industry, most recently in Cyber Security. She is the member of the Black History Awareness Club, council member for the Naperville Boys and Girls Club, and volunteer for Moms Demand Action. She is also the former business owner of Computertots and Computer Explorers, past treasurer of Panther Sports Club, and a former Girl
Scout troop leader. Terri is married to Michael, and they have two children — a college freshman and a recent college graduate. Terri is running for Village Trustee for the same reasons she ran in
2017, to stand up and fight for Bolingbrook and deliver prosperity for all by returning the power
back to the residents.

Candidates for Valley View 365U School Board:

Sandra Carlson – Sandra, a 23-year resident of Bolingbrook, was born in Chicago and has lived in five different communities in Illinois. She moved to Bolingbrook when her husband Paul accepted the call to be the pastor at New Life Lutheran Church. The Carlson’s brought three sons and a dog with them to Bolingbrook. The family has grown and now includes three fabulous daughters in law and two grandchildren, AJ and Hope. Sandra is a licensed clinical professional counselor. She earned a master’s degree in counseling from Northern Illinois University in 1994. She earned her Ed.D in counseling in 2010 from NIU. Since the year 2000, Sandra has operated a counseling practice in Bolingbrook and has been privileged to serve the community ever since. Sandra’s love of children makes her a passionate advocate for quality education and as a mental health counselor, she understands the challenges our children face in the 21st century. She believes that schools are crucial to the health and wellbeing of children, and the communities they live in. Sandra wants to serve on the school board as she believes that education saves lives, as it saved hers.

Charlotte Droogan – a 54-year resident of Bolingbrook, Charlotte is essentially a founding citizen as she’s lived here longer than Bolingbrook has even existed as a legal entity. Charlotte has a master’s in counseling and is a retired third-grade teacher who served the families of the Valley View School District for thirty years. After retirement, she continued the job she loved as a substitute teacher for another ten years. Her love for kids and the people who teach them inspired Charlotte to run for the school board. Her background in teaching and as a longtime resident of the community make her uniquely qualified for the position. Charlotte wants to enhance the programs we already have for our students and brings to the table new ideas about how to further enrich the lives of children through education.

Mustafa Syed – a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, Mustafa has been married for 25 years and has two children. He has a master’s in business administration and bachelors in commerce. He has more than 15 years of experience in Information Technology (IT) in software development, testing, and implementation. Presently working as IT consultant and Project Manager. Mustafa has extensively traveled the world and is an avid follower of world politics. His interest includes reading gardening, interiors, sports and community involvement. He believes that schools have a very strong and direct impact every resident of Bolingbrook village, including those without children as school ratings affect home values, not just the lives of our children. Mustafa wants to work towards improving Valley View 365U’s overall ratings to benefit not only our children but also taxpayers and homeowners.

Fountaindale Library Board of Trustees

Otis Gatlin – is a 13-year resident of Bolingbrook grew up in Chicago and graduated from Lane Tech College Prep. Otis has 3 kids, 2 daughters, and 1 son. Otis works for Chase Bank as a mortgage underwriter and attended college at Wilbur Wright College. His hobbies include reading, traveling and watching the NBA and NFL. Otis is running for Library Board because he wants to make the Library more transparent and accessible to all Bolingbrook citizens. As a resident Otis has attended several Library Board meetings and has been disappointed to see some board members repeatedly fail to regularly attend meetings or arrive on time and believes this is a disservice to our residents.

Ryan Harter – is an 8-year resident of Bolingbrook. Ryan and his wife, Sara, moved to Bolingbrook in 2011; their son, Milo, was born in 2017. Ryan is part of a small mobile app business and enjoys sharing his expertise with the community by supporting local tech events. He’s always enjoyed being a part of the community and wants to do his part to contribute to the wonderful resource that is the Fountaindale Library. Until moving to Bolingbrook Ryan wasn’t fully aware of everything that a library could be. He believes that the library is more than a collection of books and movies, it serves an important role as a place to gather, share ideas, and learn. Because of this, as a trustee, Ryan’s goal is to raise awareness for our incredible library and everything it has to offer.

Deb Savage – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook with a bachelor’s & masters in nursing & administration. Currently, she serves the community as an elected Will Co Regional School Board Trustee. She is a member of Chamberlain University’s national library & information resources committee and is the former head of the library committee on the Addison campus. Deb wants more residents in Bolingbrook to know all of the terrific resources the library has and how to access them. She wants to expand library resources, services, and events; and to ensure taxpayer dollars are being used wisely and that library decisions are evidence-based in the best interest for all Bolingbrook residents.

Park District Board

Saud Gazanfer – is a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, is married to Subuhi Humera, a physician at Advocate Good Smartian Hospital, and has two children. A self-described techie, entrepreneur, environmentalist, and coffee lover, Saud is currently employed as a Senior Software Engineer. Saud is running for Park District Board as he wants to modernize the existing park district infrastructure as well as promote fiscal responsibility by cutting the losses from loss generating programs. He wants to market the facilities aggressively by increasing the social media footprint to generate business and resident usage as well as reaching out to more communities with the park district facilities to ensure maximum participation of residents. In addition, Saud wants to encourage and promote more family and senior citizen programs and special programs for physically challenged residents.
For more information about this press release contact: Joe Giamanco of Bolingbrook United, at 773-354-8909 or joe@glawpartners.com.

Looking back on 9/11 (Non-fiction)

As I’m sitting here eating lunch, I thought back on the events of 9/11/01. I remember walking into work just minutes after a DJ said the first plane crash was not an accident. Our receptionist directed me to a room with a TV set to Fox News. I waked in just as video of the second plane hitting a tower played.

I don’t remember what the anchors said during those long hours. I just remember the numbness I felt watching so many die on live TV. I still felt numb as I walked outside to a sky with no airplanes. It took days for it to go away.

Maybe 9/11 didn’t change everything, but there were changes. It was conventional wisdom that voters would never support a war that lasted too long. Today, the “War on Terror” rages on with no end and waged by both parties. We tolerate security theater in our airports. (Confession: I was a TSA employee for over a year.) The attack’s also made many people question the value of religion and that helped lead to the rise of New Atheism

There will be more changes as 9/11 becomes a distant memory. Some for the better, I hope. There have also been other events that have affected Americans as well. Still, I can’t help but think that attacks on that day helped shape our current state of affairs.

Illuminati covert audit finds no evidence DuPage Township illegally funded interstellar charities (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A covert team of Illuminati auditors found no evidence that the DuPage Township fraudulently spent millions of interstellar credits on donations to interstellar charities.  During a conference announcing their findings, they also accused DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford of wasting their time.

“We risked our lives by breaking into Clow UFO Base for our forensic audit,” said Milton, the leader of the auditing team.  “We were able to reconcile the finance records inside Clow with copies kept at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  We’ve come to the conclusion that Trustee Benford has no idea what she’s talking about, and has a militant desire to talk about it.  She owes us a half-million credits for wasting our time— but we will accept an apology.”

Benford refused to apologize.  “I’m saddened to see that once again our township has hired incompetent forensic auditors.  The firm that audited our public funds found trivial errors, but couldn’t discover the thousands of dollars I know are missing!  This firm is worse.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think the corrupt Chicago political machine has touched our fine county and our fine galaxy.  I can’t wait to become a State Representative so I can rage against the machine and spread chaos to all of Illinois.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also a high ranking Illuminati official, was not pleased.  “Alyssia, I told you not to spread chaos in my village, and you didn’t listen to me!  You’re supposed to spread chaos to the rest of the state—  Not here!”

“We’re spreading chaos everywhere!” said Trustee Dennis Raga.  “We’re Illuminati Knights of Chaos!  We’re going to bring down the New World Order with booze!  Boobs!  EDM!  Booze!  Booze!  EDM! Boobs—”

“Shut up!” interrupted Claar.  “I’m going to give both of you an opportunity think about what you’ve done.  This weekend, both of you will be canvassing for 16th Congressional Candidate Sara Dady!”

“She’s the Democrat Party candidate,” gasped Benford.

“Yes, and I expect both of you to do a good job of canvassing for her.  I thought of worse punishments, but this is appropriate for your actions.  Don’t prove me wrong!”

Both trustees cried then agreed to canvass for Dady.

Benford and Raga could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had visitors waiting for him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Spencer seemed to be role-playing different characters: “‘Alyssia asked for a flyer from the Bolingbrook Rotary Club.  Then she gave them taxpayer money without approval from the board.  This proves she’s corrupt!’  ‘That’s a vicious attack against the only honest township trustee.  It took her seven years to discover that the Township staff is incompetent.  We should reward her with a higher political office.’  ‘Guys!  Left or Right, I think we can all agree that townships are hopelessly corrupt and should be abolished.’”

A man cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi Bob!”

“Charlene, are you playing with your fake Facebook accounts like they’re action figures?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m helping my client’s campaign to destroy all townships in Illinois.”

“I understand, but do you really have to use your sock puppets to smear anyone working for a township?  There are some decent people working in these townships, and I don’t think they deserve your unethical attacks.  Speaking of which, did you really need to attack me in your last post?”

“Attacked?  Bob, if you think I’m attacking you now, just wait until next year.  Igor and I have someone very special planned for your slate of candidates.”

Also in the Babbler:

Representative Roskam compares Sean Casten to Donald Trump
Aliens drove Bolingbrook Porkchop out of business, says the owner
Mayor Claar bans Gunkata classes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/18

Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

Also in the Babbler

Village urges calm as Martian Colonial battleship hovers over Clow UFO Base
New World Order surveys Palatine for UFO Base sites
FBI destroys ‘compromising’ photo of Rep. Roskam in a map room
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/18