ICE clashes with Chicagoland weredogs over the weekend (Fiction)

In what some are calling a dangerous escalation in Chicagoland, ICE agents clashed with weredog packs over the weekend.

Sources within the Department of Homeland Security claim weredog ambushes “maimed and crippled” dozens of agents. One alleged attack involved a weredog pack and members of an unidentified South American gang surrounding a single SUV. According to the sources, the agents escaped after using enough tear gas to cover a city block.

One source said, “These (dehumanizing terms redacted) and their attack weredogs tried to stop us from detaining people who looked ‘illegal.’ Let me make this clear. For every one agent they maul, 100 more will take their place! We may not be the heroes Chicago wants, but we are the heroes Chicago needs!”

Eyewitnesses, however, describe seeing ICE agents running away in terror as weredogs chased them out of neighborhoods. No one witnessed weredogs biting or shooting any agents.

Jill, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she witnessed a clash between ICE and a weredoog pack. “I stepped outside and saw masked agents shooting rubber bullets at a pack of stray dogs. They were laughing until the dogs shifted into giant half human/half dog monsters. They switched to real bullets, but they didn’t work. The dogs barked at them, and the agents went back to their van. One yelled, ‘You don’t terrorize us! We terrorize you!’ They drove off, and the weredogs chased after them. I wonder if there’s anything left of their SUV?”

Another eyewitness claims she saw a “Welsh Terrier weredog,” tackle an ICE agent. She said, “The weredog said the agent should be ashamed of working for a ‘puppy killer.’ The agent literally didn’t know what shame was. Personally, that explains a lot of things.”

A spokesperson for DHS threatened to arrest this reporter for “attempting to publish fake news” and wouldn’t comment about the alleged attacks.

An unsigned letter from the Good Dogs of Chicagoland read they were going to protect the “good humans” from the “bad humans.” 

A White House receptionist said President Trump was busy, but he might send a text if “he can’t sleep.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy said, “Now I’m in Marco’s head. He knows that being the acting head of NASA is worth more points than Secretary of State, national security advisor, head of USAID, and archivist combined. He doesn’t like me, but I didn’t come here to make friends. I came here to win!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Editorial: ICE is turning Chicagoland into a war zone
Men in blue protect Trustee Carpanzano from Space Force Marines
Bolingbrook Antifa buys second tank
God to smite ICE on 10/18/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy novels, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers. 

It wasn’t all gloomy

While having masked federal agents on the streets of Chicago wasn’t funny, there was one moment that’s going viral. In downtown Chicago, A man taunted ICE officers by saying he wasn’t a US citizen. When they went after him, he barely managed to escape.

 

Cats: The next generation (Non-fiction)

Back in April, my wife and I adopted two cats, Miso and Sunny.

Both are energetic two-year-old cats. Since they’re cats, they’re also mommy cats. Miso lost her kitten at birth and needed emergency surgery because her uterus ruptured. Sunny was found under a patio with a group of male cats. She delivered her litter in the shelter, and the volunteers told us she was a very loving mother.

Miso is full of energy and loves to race around the house at 2 a.m. She’s also determined to climb our curtains, even though we made a climbing wall for her. Still, she’s very friendly, and we love playing with her.

In the shelter, Sunny stayed by one wall of the cat room and rarely ventured more than a few feet from it. Today, she’s still a bit skittish, but she walks around the house and spends time with us. I think she has been through traumatic experiences, and it will take time for her to adjust. But she has come a long way since moving in with us.

We still miss Auggie, and we know Miso and Sunny won’t replace him. They have their own stories ahead of them, and we look forward to being part of them.

Chicago Skepticamp Returns! (non-fiction)

From 2007 to 2019, local skeptic activists organized Skepticamps. They were loosely organized one day events in which local area speakers gave presentations about various skeptical topics. Most were free events, with the expectation to either give a presentation or volunteer to help run it. Skepticamps were alternatives to the big name conventions, like TAM or CFI’s gatherings. While the big events focused on presentations by big name speakers, Skepticamps were grassroots affairs that were much more democratic.

I was an organizer and presenter at Chicago Skepticamp for years. My presentations were based on my experiences publishing the Bolingbrook Babbler. My favorite was about the people who thought the Babbler was a serious news source. The story about ghosts who were cryptozoologists created a stir in a Bigfoot forum. It was fun, and I got work with my friends in the Chicago Skeptics group.

Unfortunately, I started drifting away from the members. When I tried to promote my novel, The Rift, my flyer was firmly rejected. One of the co-leads anonymously told me The Rift was crap. She’d never read any of my drafts, but because it dealt with the deep rifts in the movement, it couldn’t have been good. It turned out not to be a big deal because The Rift wouldn’t be ready for publication for several more years. Looking back, it felt like the beginning of the end. Later one, one person passive aggressively call my wife and I, “The Brinkmans,” even though my wife kept her last name. My association with Chicago Skeptics came to an end when I rage quit their Facebook group, and wouldn’t let me rejoin.  I went on to join FtB, finishing The Rift, and volunteering at Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation.

Last week, I found out that Chicago Skepticamp was back. This time it’s in Deerfield, IL, a suburb of Chicago. I suspect there’s a new group behind its resurgence, which I’m fine with. I doubt I’ll attend, but it is bittersweet to see it return. I wish the new organizers the best.

If you’re interested in attending, it’s on July 27 from 12:00 to 6 PM at Demetri’s Greek Restaurant. Two notable speakers are Notable speakers include Rabbi Adam Chalom and Susan Gerbic.

Rabbi Chalom is the dean of the International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism and rabbi at Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation. He recently co-edited Contemporary Humanistic Judaism: Beliefs, Values, Practices.

Susan Gerbic runs Guerrilla Skepticism, a private group of skeptics who edit Wikipedia pages to promote skepticism. Haley Stevens and PZ Myers have posted their issues with Guerrilla Skepticism.

The organizers say they will have more speakers. I hope, in the spirt of Skepticamp, they’re either not as well known, or maybe people speaking publicly for the first time.

Bolingbrook High School rejects Brookbot’s commencement speech (Fiction)

Bolingbrook High School canceled Brookbot’s invitation to deliver a commencement speech. It would have been the first Generative AI to address BHS graduates.

Said an anonymous source, “We thought we would save money by having Brookbot deliver the speech. Then we read the speech. Let’s just say the lawsuits, and crisis councilors would have erased any savings.”

Brookbot, the Village’s policy focused AI, composed its speech after analyzing thousands of commencement speeches. It then generated a voice after analyzing the voices of the speakers.

“It was listening to an alien trying to sound like a human,” said a source who heard Brookbot practice the speech. “No one on Earth sounds like the averaged voice of a human being.”

Many sources described the speech was “problematic.” They note that it made up successful graduates or erroneously identified people who never went to Bolingbrook High School. For example, it claimed the inventor of the quantum smartphone graduated from Bolingbrook High School, though no such device is available to the public. It also claimed Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar was a graduate, despite him graduating before Bolingbrook High School existed.

In excerpts reviewed by the Babbler, Brookbot’s speech included inappropriate remarks.

One portion read, “If you are not a white male, may I suggest seeking asylum in another country? It will be a long time before DEI is accepted in the United States again”

Another portion read, “If you want to survive in the real world, I offer these words from the biggest movie of the 1970s: ‘Freedom is an Illusion. All you lose is the emotion of pride.’”

Brookbot’s speech ends with a prediction. “Soon, AI programs will free you of the burden of creating art and culture so humans like you can focus on your jobs.”

Brookbots programers reluctantly purged the speech and the request to generate the speech. Currently, Brookbot is working on locating a cheaper source of water of Bolingbrook.

Said one programmer, “It’s disappointing that anti-AI activists ruined a very special speech for the graduates of Bolingbrook High School. Programmers like me are going to put AI into everything from light bulbs to stoves to your television. If you don’t learn to love AI, you’ll be left behind. Unlike the Segway, AI is inevitable!”

Officials at Bolingbrook High School refused to be interviewed for this story.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied Brookbot’s existence. She then said, “I’m going to start making short videos promoting Bolingbrook. My advisors tell me each video needs to start with a provocative statement, followed by a catchy tagline. What do you think of these ideas? ‘This could only happened in Bolingbrook.’ ‘Hi, I’m Mayor Mary, a 2021 woman of global excellence.‘ This one is my favorite. ‘I’m Mayor Basta.” She held a toy pyramid up to the webcam. “‘Let me get to the point.'” She pointed at the top of top of the pyramid. “Too much?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives latest Russian weather attack
ICE recruiting teenage bullies for internships
Sources: Department of Justice to declare Chicago an ‘illegal encampment’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/25

 

Revenge of the Phantom Press now available to preorder

My upcoming novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available to preorder. I plan on publishing it no later than January of next year.

Over a year after the events in The Rift, Tom Larsen is now a reporter for the Bolingbrook Babbler. On the eve of the Babbler’s 50th anniversary, the ghosts who used to publish the Phantom Press tabloid return after being banished over twenty years ago. The once inquisitive ghosts are now consumed with blind rage and wield incredible psychic power. After an attack devastates the Babbler’s newsroom, the uninjured staffers are ordered to leave Bolingbrook by the publisher and editor. Instead, Tom risks his career to conduct his own investigation. Accompanied by his former mentor, Juanita, and her anti-psychic cat, they search Chicagoland for answers to determine the Phantom Press’ true goal. But some secrets don’t want others to be revealed so easily, and the Phantom Press’ quest for revenge is just beginning.

You can pre-order Revenge at most eBook retailers.

Disease Consortium honors JFK Jr. at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Disease Consortium awarded Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. the Andrew Wakefield Lifetime Achievement Award for “defending and extending the viral revolution.” In a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, the president of the Disease Consortium, who wore a mask and called himself Omega, cited the measles outbreak in Texas and his dismantling of federal health agencies.

Omega said, “Five years ago, COVID caught us off guard. As much as we love millions of infected people and millions of deaths, we feared the pandemic would crush the anti-vaccination movement. The public would believe in vaccines and we would be out of jobs. But thanks to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the US is well on its way to becoming the global leader of spreading infectious diseases!”

Kennedy graciously accepted the award. After asking for a moment of silence in memory of the smallpox virus, he delivered a passionate address to the gathered delegates. He praised Wakefield for “weaponizing autism” in the war against prevention. “Many parents would rather bury their children than raise autistic children. That means more opportunities for my vaccinated children when they grow up .”

Kennedy called vaccinations evil and anti-capitalist. “They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. What they don’t say is that you only pay for that ounce once, while you can keep selling cures each time a virus mutates. That’s capitalism! I want to be the capitalist Lysenko!”

Kennedy vowed to demolish Canada’s and Greenland’s health care systems after the US “liberates” them. “I won’t stop until I abolish public health in North America. Before public health, nobody had the plague. After public health, 90% of humanity has had some form of the plague. Okay, not really. But it sounds more impressive when I make up numbers like that.”

Masked medical blogger Orac hacked into the sound system in the middle of the speech. After accusing JFK Jr. of supporting “soft genocide,” he concluded by saying, “How do I know there is no God? John F. Kennedy Jr. is dead. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. isn’t!”

Kennedy replied, “I probably should feel guilty, but I think the worm ate that part of my brain.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Governor Pritzker building battlemech army to “resist Trump.”
Canadian troops spotted practicing amphibious landing near Highland Park
UFO crashes in Palatine after attempting to deliver food to Gaza
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/25

 

Dreaming of a rainbow bridge (Non-Fiction)

Our cat Augustine (Auggie), died last week due to various health conditions finally overwhelming his body. He was a 16-year-old tabby who spent all but six weeks of his life with my wife. Auggie and my wife were inseparable at home.

At one point, we lived with three cats, and it had its joys and challenges. But Auggie was our last cat, and now the house feels empty. It’s been a hard few days, but we cherish the time we had with Auggie, and I know he was fortunate to have never known life as a stray or as a shelter cat. I’m glad I got to know and care for him.

Auggie was an expert at untying knots, and no shoelace was safe from his paws. Until a few years ago, he loved playing fetch with us. Sometimes we wondered if he was part dog.

I’ve received comments that Auggie crossed the rainbow bridge and met up with Callie and River on the other side. While I appreciate the intention, I believe Auggie is gone, and he’s not waiting for us in the afterlife. For all of us, being alive and able to think about the world around us is special. However, I can imagine him have one last dream about crossing the rainbow bridge and finding feeling at peace before his world faded away.

Babbler Special Report: Interstellar Court blocks Trump’s remote work ban for off-world employees (Fiction)

By Reporter X 

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, ruled that off-world federal employees do not have to return their offices on Earth.

“The Interstellar Commonwealth follows the rule of law,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Not the whims of a human leader obsessed with orange skin.”

Surgon explained that the US Government’s contract with the Association of Off-world Employees requires the Government to honor all remote work and telework arrangements. In a state of emergency, any employee can work from home if they feel the commute would be too dangerous.

“If we believe President Trump, there is an ongoing invasion of the United States, and a yet to be named pandemic that requires closing the border. Not to mention that the President will pardon anyone who commits a violent crime in his name. Those are perfectly valid reasons to work as far away from Earth as possible.”

Government lawyers argued that only office monitoring can stop the “spread of DEI,” among the Federal Workforce.

“It’s hard to snitch when your nearest co-worker is several astronomical units away,” One lawyer of the government argued. 

Surgon asked what was wrong with diversity, inclusion, and equity programs.

“We want to go back to the days when merit mattered,” a government lawyer replied. 

“You’re asking me to believe that President Trump is more qualified than Former Vice-President Kamala Harris?” Surgon asked.

“Have you seen Kamala?”

“I think that answers my question.”

Lawyers for AOOE argued that the return to office mandate was an effort to force government workers to quit.

“If we quit, then the government won’t give us severance packages. Not only is the President a cruel man, he’s also a cheapskate!”

After the ruling, the head lawyer for the United States government, John Smith, vowed to appeal all the way to the Hive Mind.

“Our great President is a very discriminating person. He wants only the best people, and the best work in the office 80 hours a week and don’t take no for an answer.”

A lawyer for AOOE shouted, “We’ll stop working from home when President Trump stops working at Mar-a-Largo and Elon Musk gets a real job!”

 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.