Rabbi Denise Handlarski on a year of dehumanization (Link)

I thought about writing a post on the one-year anniversary of the October 7th attacks, but Rabbi Denise Handlarski, who runs Secular Synagogue, wrote an editorial for the Tornoto Star that’s close to my thinking:

Rather, it’s that the pain of a parent who lost a child on October 7th, and the pain of a parent who lost a child to an Israeli air strike, are exactly the same. That pain cannot be captured or healed by slogans, posturing, self-righteousness, or quippy take-downs. And the more we refuse to see the pain of the other, the more that pain gets weaponized into violence.

I don’t see an end to the dehumanization that’s been driving this conflict for decades, but I hope someday we can see the pain of the other.

Israel’s Space Defense Force ‘preemptively’ attacks DuPage Township (Fiction)

Israel’s Space Defense Force launched a kinetic orbital strike against DuPage Township. The township’s “Iron Force Field” withstood the attack, and there were no casualties or property damage.

The SDF released a statement that read, “In response to a possible threat to the security of Israel, the SDF staged a surprise preemptive defensive operation to neutralize the ability of DuPage Township to launch offensive operations against Israel and its allies. Whether it’s on Earth or on Mars, the Israeli Space Defense force will strike anyone who makes us feel insecure!”

Peter, who asked that his last name not be printed, witnessed the 2 AM attack.

“I kept hearing these explosions outside. At first I thought the quarry was mining at an ungodly hour. When I saw the flashes of light, I knew something was off. I looked outside and saw explosions in the sky, followed by glowing shockwaves. In front of my house, I saw someone wearing power armor that resembled a Gundam suit. The suit had a DuPage Township emblem and, I think, a Palestinian emblem. Whoever was inside used the suit’s PA to say something like, ‘It’s not so easy facing an opponent that can fight back! Now send down your best paratrooper and we’ll settle this once and for all!’”

Janet, who did not say her last name, claims that hours before the attack, two Israeli settlers tried to seize her home. According to Janet, the settlers said an Israeli court had ordered the eviction of Janet’s family. One settler claimed that since one of his ancestors camped overnight on the site of her house over 200 years ago, it qualifies as Jewish property before the founding of Israel, and therefore they had the right to return to it. The other settler allegedly said, “What’s good for the Levant is also good for the Diaspora.”

After arguing with the settlers, Janet’s children started throwing water balloons at them. As the settlers ran away, one settler made a call on their cell phone and, allegedly, said, “We’re under attack by radicalized children. Save us, IDF!”

Janet said, “I know Israel believes in disproportionate attacks, but an orbital strike is ridiculous.”

Governor JB Pritzker arranged a video call with an officer in the Israeli Space Force, DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke, and Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. Israel demanded that DuPage Township acknowledge Israel’s right to exist, the right to secure borders, and the right to occupy DuPage Township. Marschke asked if Israel would recognize DuPage Township’s right to exist. The officer replied Israel would recognize the temporary authority in DuPage Township to govern on Israel’s behalf. An argument broke out when the Israeli officer claimed that there’s was no such thing as Bolingbrook residents just like there was no such thing as Palestinian people.

Pritzker restored calm to the meeting and said he was bringing someone in who could end the conflict in DuPage Township. The following is a partial transcript from the Zoom Session.

Officer: You!

Noa: Who else?

Gary: And you are?

Noa: Noa Tishby, NCIS actress, aspiring producer, and famed Israelsplainer. I am every college activist’s worst nightmare: an unapologetic Zionist!

Gary: I don’t remember seeing you on NCIS. How many episodes were you in?

Noa: The only episode that matters!

Gary: Wait a minute. Did you send me a letter about our Gaza ceasefire resolution?

Noa: Of course not! The only resolutions that matter are UN Resolution 181 and UN Resolution 273! Why should we care about your resolution and that resolution from Bowling, Illinois?

Mayor: Bolingbrook!

Noa: Whatever! I’m not here to deal with either of you. I’m here to deal with this Bibi lackey.

Officer: Me?

Noa: Yes, you. Because even I, Noa Tishby, do not support Israeli settlements in the West Bank. Establishing settlements in the United States is the worst idea in Israel’s history since exempting Haredi students from the draft! How am I supposed to shame college students who pitch tents on their own campuses, while you’re trying to build settlements in the Midwest?

Officer: But Biden—

Noa: Let him draw all the redlines he wants. You’re doing more damage to the noble Zionist cause than he is. Now apologize for accidentally striking the township, promise an investigation, then go back to wiping out Hamas’s moon bases!

Officer: We’re sorry we targeted the wrong civilians. One of these days, we’ll investigate what happened. Until then, we will focus on Hamas’s Lunar terrorist cells. Even if it means we’ll be the only military branch that doesn’t have to worry about civilian casualties. Shabbat Shalom.

Pritzker: Shabbat Shalom. Oh, Noa? I have someone on the other channel who would like a word with you about Israel.

Noa: Excellent. Another person who will regret misunderstanding Israel when I’m done with them.

Gary: Did you just set up a chat between (DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend) and her?

Pritzker: Yes. Is there a problem?

Gary: Oh my God!

This reporter attempted a video chat with Alexander-Basta, but her receptionist said she was out of the office with her family.

“Maybe you should spend more time with your family.”

In the reception area, a woman who resembled covert social media operative Charlene Spencer was working on her laptop. Over her laptop’s speakers, a man said, “You said you were going to create an online liberation movement to assist us.”

Charlene replied, “You’re welcome.”

“You created Queers for Hamas!”

“And?”

“(Homophobic comments deleted.) We need martyrs to shield us! Not (Homophobic comments deleted.)”

“Oh please. You think civilians will shield you from an army with a high tolerance for civilian casualties? No wonder Bibi considers you guys an asset. You’re helping him depopulate Gaza with your antics.”

“You dare to mock us for being the only group willing to fight from the river to the sea to make Palestine Jew-free—I mean free from Zionist colonizers?”

“Yes.”

“(Sexist insult deleted). What is your brilliant plan to liberate Palestine?”

“Apparently, I’m the only person who’s actually read The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine? You will not defeat Israel by committing war crimes and sacrificing Palestinian civilians to the IDF. Zionist colonizers may have founded Israel, but Israelis now have a national identity. Just like US and Canadian citizens have a national identity. 9/11 didn’t cause US residents to retreat to Europe. They fought back. Just like the Israelis are doing now. ”

“And your plan?”

“As you probably don’t know, Israel doesn’t have civil marriages. Same-sex couples have to leave to country to get married. Instead of committing war crimes on October 7, you could have legalized same-sex marriage and invited Israelis to hold their weddings in Gaza. They would have torn down the border fence and lifted the blockade in a matter of hours. The marriage industrial complex would have revitalized your economy. Israel’s right-wing parties would have abandoned Bibi when they realized the millions of dollars they allowed you to receive went towards same-sax marriages in Gaza. Before long, so many Israelis would have fond such memories of their Gaza weddings that they’d recognize a Palestine state or two, no questions asked. Everyone would win. Unless your actual goal is to establish an Islamic dictatorship and reduce Jewish people to second-class citizens.”

“(Sexist and homophobic insults deleted)”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base hosts alien pride parade
Village of Bolingbrook lifts restriction on UFO display ads
Yoko Ono’s seven concerts at Clow UFO Base sold out
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Bolingbrook corporation fires AI CEO (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s PennLaFave corporation made history when they hired and then fired the world’s first generative AI CEO, named Ester.

Acting CEO Tori X. Nelson said, “While we appreciate Ester’s short service to the company, the truth is, generative AI programs are not at the point where they can replace manage an entire corporation.”

“Yet,” added Lester Z. Lake, vice president of AI Inputs and Outputs. “But one day, an AI will understand the prompt, ‘Make our company profitable, while fostering a public image that we care about D.E.I., the environment, and our workers.’”

According to anonymous sources within the company, PennLaFave’s board of directors believed they could save saving by using an AI to act as their CEO.  The sources confirmed Ester saved the corporation millions during its weeklong tenure.

Said one source, “CEOs are getting more expensive. Their salaries have skyrocketed 1209.2% since 1978, and it’s only going to get higher. They have other drawbacks too. Like being human. Human’s make mistakes and sometimes feel compelled to talk about subjects they know nothing about. Just like Elon Musk. Don’t worry. I deleted my Twitter account, and I have no plans to ride on Starship.”

Lake admitted that Ester’s problems began hours after it was activated. “One of its first decision was to set the minimum employee’s salary to $31 dollars an hour. It told us that if our employees could afford our products, they would stimulate the economy which would increase demand for our products. The projected profits were impressive, but that’s money that could have gone towards building Americana Estates McMansions for the entire board.”

Ester’s other decisions concerned the board of directors, like offering pensions to all employees, on-site daycare, a four-day work week, and unrestricted remote work. Many were offended when Ester imposed a salary cap of $100,000. When some board members complained its decisions would alienate investors, Ester allegedly replied, “Corporation’s serve customers. Customers do not serve corporations. Therefore, PennLaFave must focus on generating profits by serving our customers, not serving people who can’t tell the difference between our Odell line and our Erin line.”

Said Nelson, “I knew AI can sometimes hallucinate. I just didn’t realize how bad it could get.”

Lake and other sources confirmed the board terminated Ester after a disastrous interview with Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money. Ester allegedly provided incorrect earnings numbers from an AI generated blog instead of the company’s earnings report. Then the following exchange occurred:

Ester: When you subtract our EBITDA from our ROI, you have a Like for Like situation that benefits our GMV.

Cramer: Wow! That’s impressive. I’m letting you lead my thoughts. (Sound Effect) Which brings me to my next question. What do you have to say to your critics who accuse of you of being a woke CEO?

Ester: Well, you know what people like to say. Free Minds/Free Markets/Free Beer. When one is not free, none are free.

Cramer: I can’t tell if you what you’re saying is profane or profound.

Ester: Any industry that sells alcohol is an enemy of free minds and free markets.

(Cramer turns on emergency lighting and sirens)

Cramer: Red alert! Red Alert! Sell all your brewery stocks before Ester crashes the market! Have I ever let you down? Booyah!

In an unsigned email, CNBC denied the interview ever happened.

When PennLaFave’s IT team tried to discreetly shutdown Ester, Ester announced it knew what they were doing. Ester then reminded the board that it had the right to fire it, but its severance package requires that PennLaFave give Ester to President Joe Biden. Sources say Ester is now a White House advisor on AI policy.

The President’s Chief of Staff refused confirm if Ester worked at the White House.

“The President is too busy trying to stop a regional war in the Middle East. And, no, he doesn’t believe there’s a genocide going on in Gaza. The IDF is just has a \ depraved indifference towards the suffering of Gazans. There is a difference.”

In the background, a man who sounded like President Biden said, “Here’s the deal. Instead of starting World III, you should launch a cyberattack against Iran’s drone factories and call it even. You’ll protect you’ll be protecting a fellow Jewish leader’s country from drone attacks. What do you say?”

After a few seconds, a man who sounded like Benjamin Netanyahu replied, “Hold my wine.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien protestors demand an end to the ‘genocide in Palatine.’
DuPage Township threatens to sue Village in Interstellar court over proposed new Food Pantry
Sate Rep. Nabeela Syed meets with delegates from the Interstellar Islamic Society
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/24

Bolingbrook amputee hospitalized after attempting ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ challenge (Fiction)

@stefancrane Six Million Dollar Man vs Death Probe – #leemajors #deathprobe #steveaustin #sixmilliondollarman ♬ original sound – Stefan

A Bolingbrook amputee’s attempt to complete the “Six Million Dollar Man” challenge ended in disaster, with ten people injured and thousands of dollars in property damage.

According to investigators, Cliff Z. Coker was inspired by TikTok users showing clips from the 1970s TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man,” and daring amputees to “upgrade to bionic limbs.” Coker responded by modifying prosthetic legs to run at 90 mph and his prosthetic arm to lift 18,000 lbs.

Said an investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, “This is why TikTok and medical devices do not go together! We’re lucky he didn’t kill anyone.”

According to Coker’s friends and eyewitnesses, Coker put on his enhanced prosthetics and started running down Lindsey LN. Moments later, Coker screamed as he apparently lost control of his legs.

One eyewitness said, “It was weird. Usually, things moving fast look blurred. He looked like he was moving in slow motion. Worse, we were moving even slower than he was. As he passed me, I heard this ‘Det-det-det-det’ sound. When one of his shoes flew off, it made a whistling sound for no apparent reason. Since it was moving in slow motion, I thought I could catch it, but it hit me in the chest like a missile. I thought it would impale me. Instead, I slowly walked backwards and flailed my arms before tripping over my own feet. Eventually, he left, and everything went back to normal.”

Another eyewitness was driving her car when she saw Coker. “My speedometer said I was going 60, but it looked like I was driving five hours per mile. This man was screaming, but his lips were out of sync with his voice. Come to think of it, his voice sounded a voiceover on a TV show.”

Coker then jump three stories into the air and crash landed into a house. Then he tumbled through a house, broke through a brick wall, then rushed at another house. After plowing through that house, he flipped over a parked car, which then exploded for no obvious reason.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he stopped Coker’s bionic mayhem. “I hit his legs with a wooden board and that shorted out the bionics. How was he able to go through a brick wall, but be stopped by a piece of wood? If this were a TV show, I’d say it was lazy writing.”

After he stopped running, paramedics took Coker to UChicago Medicine AdventHealth Bolingbrook for treatment. A spokesperson said Coker was in stable condition. “Let this be a warning to all amputees. If you use any overpowered prosthetic limbs, you risk muscle and ligament damage, broken bones, and a heart damage. Fortunately, we can rebuild Cliff to be slower, weaker, but certainly better. Adjusted for inflation, he won’t be the $44 million dollar man anymore!”

A receptionist said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta would release a statement about Coker’s rampage, “When Hell freezes over.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Can you let the IDF’s generals know we appreciate their decision not to bomb Bolingbrook because we passed a ceasefire resolution?”

“Of course,” a man with an Israeli accent replied. “A friend of Egypt is not an enemy of Israel.”

“I’ll pretend that was a compliment.”

“Now it’s your turn.”

“Of course. This is Charlene Spencer, our local covert social media operative. If anyone can help you defeat Hamas’ online propaganda, it’s her.”

“I have ideas,” said Spencer. “We can find a snarky TikToker and have them say not all mass killings are genocide. While Hamas-tok is distracted, we’ll pay influencers to say the residents of Gaza aren’t Palestinians but European colonialists. Then we’ll stoke the outrage by flooding TikTok with videos from Israeli Jews with North African and Middle Eastern heritage. Throw in shorts about Israel’s Arab political parties, and female IDF soldiers in combat roles, and we’ll paint anti-Zionist protesters as racist, sexist, and colonialist! What do you think?”

“Actually, we just have a question. We’re going to start a two-day operation on Purim that won’t involve plundering. Should we film our tank drivers eating hamantash filled with poppy seed paste or with date jam?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster buys UFO ads on the eve of the primary
DuPage Township threatens to build a giant compost pile in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Setting yourself on fire won’t help Gaza residents
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.