Four Democratic candidates for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District seat participated in a lively debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz moderated the contest. It was viewed by approximately 100 Sixth District eligible voters who are currently residing on other planets.

“Technically, Clow is not in the Sixth District,” said Jaskiewicz.  “But we serve many residents in that district, and I am honored to help the Democrats make the best choice for a run against Representative Peter Roskam.”  Jaskiewicz added that these candidates were the only ones who had clearance to enter Clow UFO Base.

Sean Casten, Carole Cheney, Amanda Howland, and Kelly Mazeski each argued why they were uniquely qualified to address the covert issues facing Congress.

Mazeski said she talked about her personal history:  “I was a scientist at Clow UFO Base for several years.  Working with visitors from around the universe helped me become an environmentalist.  Knowing that a better world is possible gave me the strength to fight breast cancer.  I’m going to win this election.”

Howland talked about being a member of the legal team that successfully fought to give residents of Phobos independence from the Martian Colonies:  “Most members of the Congressional Covert Affairs Oversight committee barely understand the Interstellar Commonwealth’s legal system.  Not only do I understand it, but I’ve also won legal battles.  Peter doesn’t even know the truth about aliens.  Our district deserves better than an empty suit.”

Cheney cited her experience as District Chief of Staff for Representative Bill Foster: “A big part of my job was dealing with the staff of Clow UFO Base, and greeting dignitaries from around the universe.  I am probably the only person on this stage that can name the leaders of all of the Martian Colonies.  When I am in Congress, I will have the knowledge and experience to make Earth a beacon of hope in the galaxy.  Peter, on the other hand, thinks Uranus is a body part.”

Casten cited his research on clean energy: “Aliens have traveled from around the galaxy to see my work.  They know that I have the experience to write laws that will save our environment and to prove that we are worthy of full membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth. I hope the human voters will know that too.”

The four candidates discussed many issues, like: The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order; the Martian Colonies recent threats against humanity; asteroid mining regulations; and banning Alcubierre drives.

They all passionately argued against cutting federal funding to UFO Bases.

“Interstellar trade is necessary to continue the human race,” said Casten.  “President Trump should have appointed a scientist to administer the bases, not Melania.”

“This is an opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to work together,” said Cheney.  “We both realize that these bases are the key to our future.  These proposed cuts will destroy our future.  I’ve made connections over the years, and I can use those connections to save bases like Clow.  Hi Roger.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar looked at his Roskam cuff links and ignored Cheney.

Howland explained that the cuts would force bases to be more dependent on the Illuminati or the New World Order:  “Our bases shouldn’t be at the mercy of the .01 percent.  They need to be for all of us.  We need to show aliens humanity at its best.  That’s why I will work with Bernie Sanders to raise the covert minimum wage at our bases to $15 an hour, and to make sure every employee has health insurance.  We will tax both secret societies to pay for it.”

Mazeski said: “As a scientist, I recognize how important alien technology is to our environment and to cancer survivors like me.  I will adequately fund our bases.”

After two hours, each candidate made a closing argument for the candidacy.

Casten ended his statement by saying, “I’ve done business with humans.  I’ve done business with aliens.  I have what it takes to drive Peter out of business.”

“When I worked for Bill,” said Cheney.  “I did everything but vote on the House floor.  When I am elected, I will vote for the interests of our district, and not for Donald Trump.”

“Two years ago,” said Howland.  “I stared into the abyss that is Peter Roskam and almost beat him.  If the DNCC decides to support me this time, then on election day I will throw Peter into the abyss, and be the new representative for our district.”

Mazeski’s closing statement was the shortest: “Remember.  Scientist.  Environmentalist.  Breast cancer survivor.  Victory.”

(Content Notice: Bigotry)

Bob casually walked on the sidewalks of the Promenade Bolingbrook.  “Fourteen,” he said to every white young man that walks by.  Most ignored him, or replied by saying, “Fifteen,” or “Eighteen,” or “Twenty-one.”

A young man with a high and tight haircut ran up to Bob.  “I know,” he whispers.  He clears his throat.  “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”  He smiles.

Bob threw a right hook into the man’s jaw.  As he fell to the ground, Bob ran towards his motorcycle.  By the time the man stood up, Bob had speed away down Boughton Road.

Bob is member of the Bolingbrook Punch a Nazi club, one of what he claims to be a growing number of similar clubs in the Chicagoland area.  He and others claim to have been inspired by videos of a masked man punching white supremacist Richard Spencer.

“Why punch them?  Because they’re Nazis!  We fought a war against them!  We charged them with war crimes.  We watch movie heroes fight them.  We play videos games where we try to kill them.  Now you want me to be nice to them because President (Steve Bannon) is in charge?  (Expletive Deleted) you!  They can call themselves Alt-Right or Racial Realists all they want.  They’re Nazis and they started the Holocaust!  That’s all the justification I need!”

Officially, Chicagoland police departments have no record of these clubs, or of any organized attacks against white supremacists.  Unofficially, police sources claim that there are now over 100 such clubs and over 300 white supremacists/nazis have been assaulted.

“They’re spreading like a real life meme,” said one anonymous official.  “It hasn’t been this bad since the Harlem Shake epidemic.  It’s open season on Neo-Nazis.  Why can’t they just write blog posts instead of breaking the law?”

In addition to Nazis, not everyone supports the growth in the number of Punch a Nazi clubs in Chicagoland.

Paul X. Klein, a spokesperson for the <insert name> group, says punching Nazis doesn’t work.  “Cracked has a great article about this.  They’re the greatest skeptical publication out there.  Anyway, I’ll paraphrase.  Richard Spencer and his friends want you to hit them.  It does three things.  It creates the public perception that they’re victims and makes the other side look like criminals.  It also strengthens the resolve of other neo-Nazis.  They see themselves as the defenders of Western Civilization against a violent horde.  Attacking them confirms their biases, and you don’t want that.  Finally, do you really want a criminal record? Assault is illegal.”

“Besides,” added Natalie, who refused to give her last name, “Nazis and Communists fought each other during the Weimar Republic era. You remember how that turned out.  Instead, we think the best way to fight them is to have a rational conversation with them.”

In the front of the meeting room, skeptic Earl and Stormfront forum member Hektor, began to debate. Members of Bolingbrook skeptics watched.

Earl, wearing a pirate outfit and a pasta colander on his head, concluded his opening statement.  “There is no such thing as biological human races.  We are all members of one human species that is connected to all animal species, and we are made of star-stuff, as Carl Sagan used to say.  There are more important things to hate, like homeopathy.”

Hektor started his speech.  “Many years ago, I wouldn’t have been allowed here.  Today, you guys have proven that my ideas are worthy of debate.  If you look past the cultural Marxism that dominates science literature, and only look at the real science, you’ll see that races are real.  If the white race is to survive, we need to filter out the all the defective genes.”  Hektor walked up to Earl, followed by a man holding a video camera.  “Especially the genes that James Randi carries!”  Hektor then pointed at his chin.

Earl turned red.  He then closed his eyes and repeatedly said, “I am awesomely rational.  I am rationally awesome.”

A member of the Skokie Punch a Nazi club, who asked to be called Elton, disagrees with the Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Education can work, like the Illinois Holocaust Museum, but we have to do more.  Nathan Hevenstone has it right:  People in this country who call for any kind of ethnic cleansing shouldn’t feel safe.  They think Trump will protect them, but they’re wrong.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my activism. Go read Stephanie’s post.”

Elton walked around Old Orchard Mall, occasionally yelling, “Down with the Z.O.G!”

After several moments, a man runs up to Elton and points to his Pepe pin.

“I hate the Zionist Occupational Government of Skokie so—”

Elton hit him in the mouth with an elbow, then ran away.  The man fell to the ground and spit out some of his teeth.  “My perfect aryan teeth!” he cried.

A police officer walked up to him.  “Arrest that man.  He attacked a pure white American.  He attacked me because I disagree with the existence of Jews!”

The officer pulled out a notepad.  “I will, but after I write you a ticket for littering.”

Natalie feels that while violence against bigotry is necessary sometimes, it should only be used as a last resort.  “As long as we can protest, organize community groups, post on social media, and vote, we owe it to ourselves to try those options first.  Like my martial arts teacher used to say, the best brawl is no brawl.  Because once you turn to violence, so many things can go wrong.”