What started as a historic peace conference in Bolingbrook between the Illuminati and New World Order ended with Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta leaving the Illuminati and President Joe Biden ending his reelection campaign. The following is a team report.

Biden ends campaign and urges unity against the Trumpinati

Facing growing opposition within the Illuminati and the New World Order, President Joe Biden announced to both groups his decision to end his reelection campaign.

“Here’s the last deal,” said Biden in a holographic address at the NWO and Illuminati peace conference in Bolingbrook. “We need to unite against the real threat: The Trumpinati. The Trumpinati takes the worst aspects of our organizations and leaves out the good. It will impose a repressive order on all Americans while sending the world into hopeless chaos. We cannot allow that to happen. If that means I have to suspend my campaign, so be it! We must not let President Putin—I mean President Trump—win another term.”

The delegates expected Biden to arrive in Bolingbrook for the conference because he is the only person who is a member of both the Illuminati and the New World Order. He, however, had to cancel after contracting COVID. This caused some confusion because his original cover story was phony COVID infection.

Said one organizer, “We thought he would sneak into the Bolingbrook, while the world thought he was recovering from his third bout of COVID. So we were confused when Air Force 1c didn’t arrive at Clow Airport. Then we found out he really had COVID.”

Instead, Biden attended the conference using a holographic projection. At times, the suit filter glitched and revealed he was actually wearing a robe.

When brought to his attention, Biden snapped, “You try getting dressed while infected with COVID. If (Senator John Fetterman) can have casual six years, I can have a casual weekend or week or month, or however long it takes to kick this! I’d better not have long COVID.”

While Biden tried to urge both sides to focus on stopping the Trumpinati, the delegates kept asking about his health and cognitive abilities.

One delegate asked, “Can you answer this question? A photon leaves Chicago headed towards Los Angeles. What is the position and momentum of the photon when it reaches Colorado?”

“Come on, man!” Biden cried. “I know all about the Hindenburg Principle. Look, I’m not a physicist, I’m a President, and I’m doing a good job of being President. Besides, I’ve always mixed things up. Hell, during the 1988 campaign, I confused graduated at the top of my law school class with graduating at the bottom! I’ve always mixed things up. Why is it an issue now?”

When it because apparent the delegates were more concerned with Biden’s age than about ending their nearly eight year long conflict, Biden called Vice-President Kamala Harris. According to relatives of highly placed Democrats, the conversation was like this:

Biden: Are you busy?

Harris: I’m the Vice-President. What do you think?

Biden: Good point. I’m calling because I’m dropping out of the race before the Illuminati and the New World Order kick me out. I need you to take over the ticket.

Harris: Wow! I’m so sorry! They usually kick people out of the race either before the primaries or in the middle of them. After all you’ve done for this country, they dropped a coconut on your head.

Biden: I feel like I’ve been hit by one. Anyway, can you take over the campaign for me?

Harris: Of course. (Harris turns away from the phone) Doug! We’re getting called up to the majors. I get to take on Trump instead of Vance!

Most delegates praised Biden for dropping out of the race. Illuminati delegate Representative Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez didn’t.

“I spent nearly an hour on Instagram telling my followers why it was a bad idea to force Joe off the ballot. Then he quit the campaign. I just hope this works out and we don’t have the Supreme Court deciding this election.”

Mayor Mary quits the Illuminati

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta quit the Illuminati and declared Clow UFO Base to be neutral territory.

“To quote the awesome trailer for Zardoz, ‘I have seen the future, and it doesn’t work.’ I will have no part in the divisive and destructive future the Global Councilors have in mind. And no, I won’t perform Rite of the Severed Limbs. I just quit, and I’m taking Clow UFO Base with me.”

A Death Knight from the Illuminati yelled, “You and what army?”

Twelve soldiers from Martian Colonies walked on stage and stood behind Alexander-Basta. “This army,” she replied.

Kapalzom, the leader of the soldiers, announced the Martian Colonies will protect Clow UFO Base, and they will consider any kind of attack against Clow as an attack against the Martian Colonies. According to many experts, the Martian Colonies’ military is more powerful than all the other militaries in the Milky Way Galaxy combined. Experts also estimate that their technology is 10,000 years ahead of humanity’s technology.

Kapalzom said, “UFO Bases should be open to all of Earth’s covert government agencies and secret societies. Your current mayor agrees. As the least annoying human in the artificial construction known as Illinois, we trust Mayor Alexander-Basta to administer Clow UFO Base to achieve this goal.”

Alexander-Basta thanked the Colonies, then issued a warning to the Illuminati. “There is only one alien civilization that can break through our defenses in less than 10 seconds. To paraphrase Babylon 5, they are behind me. You are in front of me. So surrender your claim to our UFO Base, and we’ll let you have an embassy. And don’t even think about threatening the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic!”

The Grand Councilor of the Illuminati surrendered Clow to Alexander-Basta and allowed the Village Trustees to leave the Illuminati without performing the Rite of the Burning Mile.

After the conference, Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “I was so close to perfecting the Rite of the Sacred Orb. Now I’ll never be able to perform it. Then again, I’m no longer caught up in a struggle to control humanity. Now I can now focus on being Bolingbrook’s biggest cheerleader, because we’re the best suburb in Chicagoland!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.