DuPage Township candidates clash at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)


Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportBy Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base survived the first debate between the Democratic and Republican slates for DuPage Township.  The debate, the first since Clow reopened, occurred in front of a standing-room-only audience of aliens and staff.

“No one inside Clow has COVID,” said Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, the administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “So I want a good clean debate.  No hidden weapons.  No making fun of your opponents’ pets, and no mentions of Trump.  Are you ready?  Are you ready?  Let’s get it on!  I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Current DuPage Township Trustee, and candidate for Township Supervisor, Alyssia Benford, delivered the Republican’s opening statement.  She talked about her years serving on the board, and her membership in the Illuminati:

“I am a CPA, a doctoral candidate, and, most importantly, an honored Knight of Chaos.  I am so dedicated to spreading chaos in DuPage Township that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) didn’t make a single donation to my campaign last quarter.  I will never stop fighting for a chaotic township.  I will never use the title Ph.D. A.B.D., and I will always be a CPA.”

Democratic Township Supervisor candidate Gary Marschke mentioned his membership in the New World Order and his volunteer work for Humanoid Corrective Learning. HCL is a charity that serves “at-risk” alien youth residing at Clow UFO Base.  His speech mostly focused on his slate’s platform:

“We want more services for seniors, regardless of party affiliation.  We will maintain the Township’s award-winning services for our interstellar visitors.  We’ll expand the food bank, and we promise not to run up the township’s legal bills over frivolous matters!  Oh, and I know how to properly file taxes! I look forward to properly managing the township’s tax revenue.”

Acting DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George ran onto the stage and demanded to be included.  The moderator told him that the debate was only open to candidates on the ballot, not write-in candidates.  

“The township is on the right track, thanks to me!” yelled George as he was dragged off stage.  

“No it’s not!” countered Benford.  “I know because I’m a CPA. If the township is on the right track, why are so many people running against you?”

“Wow,” said Marschke.  “I actually agree with my opponent for once.”

After the moderator asked the first question, members of the Watchdogs of Clow UFO Base stood up and tried to shout down the Democratic candidates:

“This slate is not approved by the Edgar County Watchdogs.  All of you must resign!”

“You know,” said Democratic Trustee candidate Terri Ransom, “Anyone in the universe can comment about this race, but it is the residents of DuPage Township that make the decision.  Right now you’re preventing the voters from hearing us!”

An alien held up a Torah ark and yelled: “May the light of the sacred Illinois Code burn you!”  He opened the door, revealing only a law book.  The alien was then escorted out of the debate.

Another group from the Clow chapter of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook demanded that they be allowed to ask Benford a question.  Benford agreed.  

The member asked: “Since you were censored by the township board—”

“I was not censored!” replied Benford.  “I was censured!  Big difference.  You are not with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook!”

“Yes we are,” the member replied.  “Your followers may have forced Bonnie to change the name to The Bolingbrook Reporter, but we retained the rights to inside Clow UFO Base!”

“Whatever.  As a CPA, I must still say that you’re wrong.  Besides, she is a resident of Florida, not Bolingbrook!  She’s so delusional that she can’t tell the difference!”

“Not true!  She is a resident of the Little Bolingbrook neighborhood. It’s an extension of the Village of Bolingbrook within the state of Florida.  Therefore, she is a resident of both!”

Benford dropped her jaw for a moment.  She replied: “We’ll see what the courts say after I finish suing the township for censuring me!  They obviously confused me with Adam Kinzinger.  As a CPA, I am not confused and I know there is nothing in the Township Code that allows a board to censure!”

Marschke countered: “There’s nothing in the code that forbids it either, and censure is mentioned in Robert’s Rules of Order!  You’re going to sue because the board voted to harshly criticize you?”

Republican Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams said:  “Excuse me.  A constituent has an important comment to make.”  

She reached down and pulled up a ventriloquist figure.  Though the figure, she said:  “All democrats are corrupt liars who should be censored and shot on sight.”

Williams replied: “Lyn, will you stop being silly?  Just because Democrats are corrupt liars does not mean we should shoot them before they’re elected.  That’s why I’m a moderate and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!”

“Can you imagine four years of this?” asked Township Trustee Democratic candidate Debi Savage.

Republican Township Trustee candidate Antonio Timothee replied: “You can’t imagine how hard I’m going to flame you if you don’t stop trying to steal this election from us!”

After the debate, Alexander-Basta told members of the interstellar media that she was happy with how the debate went:  “Nobody rioted and the candidates didn’t try to kill each other.  Three visitors were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Apparently, they played a drinking game that required them to drink every time Alyssia mentioned she was a CPA.  If this is the new normal at Clow UFO Base, my job is going to be easy!”

Also in the Babbler:

All three Bolingbrook parties invited to submit guest opinions

Aliens volunteer to dig out snow-covered fire hydrants in Palatine

Psychics say Jeanne Ives doesn’t rule out a 2024 Presidential run 

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.