Mayor Claar defies Trustee Jaskiewicz by holding his breath (Fiction)

Sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is unharmed after repeatedly holding his breath in defiance of opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

According to sources, the conflict started while Claar and Jaskiewicz were arguing in Claar’s office.  The sources agree that Jaskiewicz challenged Claar:

“You always disagree with everything I say and propose.  I’ll bet if I told you to breathe for the rest of your life, you would hold your breath.”

One anonymous source said she saw Jaskiewicz running out of Claar’s office.

“He said, ‘Roger is turning blue!’  I ran inside, and I saw Roger taking two deep breaths.  Then he said, ‘(Expletive deleted) Jaskiewicz!’ Roger started holding his breath again.”

All the sources agree that Claar’s attempts not to breathe continued for about an hour.  Paramedics and a crisis counselor could not persuade him to breathe normally.

“If I do what he says, (Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere) will win.  I can’t let that happen!  (Expletive deleted)!  You’re tricking me into breathing!”

Finally, sources say Claar answered a phone call from an unidentified family member.  Claar listened for a few seconds, and then his face turned red before he replied:

“You don’t tell me what to do, young lady, I will vote for whomever I want, I will raise funds for whomever I want, and I will breathe whenever I want!  I’m breathing right now, and you can’t stop me!”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, slammed the headset back into the phone base, then ordered everyone out of his office.  After Village Hall closed, witnesses say Claar was breathing normally and said he was going home. Claar also made unprintable comments about the Bolingbrook United party.

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz released the following statement:

“This incident did not happen, but we are disappointed by Claar’s continued efforts to obstruct Bob. It is outrageous that Roger expects blind loyalty.  He started his political career as an opposition trustee against two mayors.  Bob won his seat not just because of karma, but because thousands of Bolingbrook residents don’t like the direction Bolingbrook is headed.  Roger needs to put Bolingbrook first, instead of his ego.”

Charlene, the village’s public relations intern, released the following statement:  “This incident didn’t happen, but it illustrates the divisiveness that certain elements want to bring to Bolingbrook.  Residents must reject these efforts.  All residents should unite behind Mayor Roger Claar because Bolingbrook became a great community under his rule. Now is not the time to experiment with bipartisan conflict.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens promise to cloak their ships during the eclipse
New World Order vows to retake Clow UFO Base ‘by any means necessary’
Bolingbrook IT Commission denies it has created an artificial intelligence
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/23/17 

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