By Reporter X 

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, ruled that off-world federal employees do not have to return their offices on Earth.

“The Interstellar Commonwealth follows the rule of law,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Not the whims of a human leader obsessed with orange skin.”

Surgon explained that the US Government’s contract with the Association of Off-world Employees requires the Government to honor all remote work and telework arrangements. In a state of emergency, any employee can work from home if they feel the commute would be too dangerous.

“If we believe President Trump, there is an ongoing invasion of the United States, and a yet to be named pandemic that requires closing the border. Not to mention that the President will pardon anyone who commits a violent crime in his name. Those are perfectly valid reasons to work as far away from Earth as possible.”

Government lawyers argued that only office monitoring can stop the “spread of DEI,” among the Federal Workforce.

“It’s hard to snitch when your nearest co-worker is several astronomical units away,” One lawyer of the government argued. 

Surgon asked what was wrong with diversity, inclusion, and equity programs.

“We want to go back to the days when merit mattered,” a government lawyer replied. 

“You’re asking me to believe that President Trump is more qualified than Former Vice-President Kamala Harris?” Surgon asked.

“Have you seen Kamala?”

“I think that answers my question.”

Lawyers for AOOE argued that the return to office mandate was an effort to force government workers to quit.

“If we quit, then the government won’t give us severance packages. Not only is the President a cruel man, he’s also a cheapskate!”

After the ruling, the head lawyer for the United States government, John Smith, vowed to appeal all the way to the Hive Mind.

“Our great President is a very discriminating person. He wants only the best people, and the best work in the office 80 hours a week and don’t take no for an answer.”

A lawyer for AOOE shouted, “We’ll stop working from home when President Trump stops working at Mar-a-Largo and Elon Musk gets a real job!”

 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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