5 Things You Should Not Ask Bisexuals

As it is LGBT History month, I have written an updated version of my blog post-5 Things You Should Not Ask a Bisexual

BISEXUALITY is romantic or sexual attraction towards same and other genders. It is attraction to men and women and it encompasses attractions to other gender identities including non-binaries. Bisexuality does not mean Man or woman; gender is not binary. There are other gender identities beyond binary. This is why Bisexuality is defined as attraction to same and other gender. The other genders could be any, multiple or all type of gender identities. Bisexuals are capable of sexual and/or emotional attraction to same gender, multiple genders or all genders.

The fact that Bisexuals do not fall into the normative heterosexual attraction narrative or the homosexual narrative, does not mean bisexuality is invalid as a sexual identity. We easily understand that heterosexuals are people who are sexually/emotionally attracted to people of opposite sex and that homosexuals are people who are attracted to same-sex. In the same vein, we can easily understand that Bisexuals are people who are capable of sexual attraction to same and other genders. It really is as simple as that.

Therefore, it’s upsetting when people say things like

  • Bisexuals are confused.
  • Bisexuals are greedy.
  • Bisexuals do not know what they want.
  • Bisexuals just want it all.

Below are 5 Things You Should Not say to or ask a Bisexual

5 -“Maybe you are just confused?”

It is astonishing how many people still say this to bisexuals, including within the LGBTIAQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Intersex, Asexual, Queer) community. Being capable of romantic and/or sexual attraction to same and other gender does not mean Bisexuals are confused. This stereotype is not true and it is harmful to our physical and mental health.

4-“Are you not just being greedy?”

One very annoying thing about this question is the judgemental tone that usually accompanies it. No, my sexual orientation does not have anything to do with my libido or the number of partners I have or had. Bisexuals are not greedy; we just have the innate capacity to be attracted to genders different than ours. As I like to see it, as a bisexual, I am not emotionally or sexually allergic to any gender. This is not about greed.

  • There are bisexuals who are virgins. Not having any sexual experience does not disqualify anyone from identifying as bisexual. Bisexuals are born this way, we are born Bisexual.
  • There are bisexuals who are in monogamous relationships. This could be with same or opposite sex or non-binary partner.
  • There are bisexuals who are in polyamorous relationships. The partners can be of same, opposite or multiple genders.
  • There are bisexuals who are in polygamous relationships.
  • There are bisexuals who are not in any relationship.
  • There are bisexuals who have sex regularly.
  • There are bisexuals who do not have sex regularly.
  • There are bisexuals who do not have sex at all

Bisexuals are like, well, everyone else on planet earth! Our sexual orientation is not an indication of how often we have sex or the number of partners we have or how sexually greedy we are.

When you ask Bisexuals if they are not just being greedy, what.we are really saying is that being capable of sexual and/or emotional attraction to same and other genders is greedy. Don’t do this, there is no correlation between sexual orientation and greed.

3- Will you join me and my girlfriend for a threesome?
Bisexuality is a Sexual orientation, not a fantasy or fetish. This is a particularly painful stereotype because it reduces not just our sexual identity but our person to a sexual object, to be served up as an exotic dish for consumption. As a single bisexual woman who is on one or two dating sites, I know first-hand how much this question hurts, especially when it is the conversation opener. This has discouraged many bisexuals from indicating their sexual orientation on dating sites. Having to hide our identity because of the hurtful, inconsiderate actions of others only further contributes to the invisibility of Bisexuals. Just like heterosexuals and homosexuals, there are Bisexuals who are interested in threesomes and those who are not. However, we do not go around fundamentally assuming that straight people or gays are by default interested in threesomes. The frustrating part is, when we say, “No, thanks, not interested”, they come back with, “But you said you are Bisexual.” Yuk, No, just no, pls, do not be like that.

2-“Does this mean you are now lesbian/gay/Straight?”(When bisexuals date same or opposite sex)
When a Bisexual person starts a same sex relationship, it is very common for people to ask if they are now lesbian. Same goes for when we date an opposite sex person, we are asked, “are you straight now?” Hmm, actually, this fluidity is kind of the reason we are bisexuals. We exist as Bisexuals regardless of the gender of our partner.

  • The fact that I am in an opposite sex relationship does not mean I am now heterosexual.
  • My sexual orientation does not change with the gender of my partner.
  • My sexual orientation does not change every time my relationship status changes.
  • No, my sexual orientation does not change with the biological sex or gender identity of my partner.
  • Also, not having a partner or lack of sexual activity does not change my sexual orientation.
  • Yes, I am still bisexual whatever the gender, sexual or marital status of my relationship.
    Therefore,
  • Bi Girls who have only dated boys are still Bi.
  • Bi Boys who prefer boys are still Bi and vice versa.
  • Married Bi people are still Bi.
  • Bi people are Bi regardless of relationship status.

1- Was your last relationship with a man or woman?
I personally find that this question comes across as scrutinising and judgmental. It is as if they are about to score me on my sexuality. Since they already know I am bisexual, why ask this annoying question? The question is invasively scrutinising. If I said my last relationship was with a man, they start thinking, maybe she really prefers men. I am not experimenting.
If I told you my last relationship was with a woman, they start thinking, maybe she is actually a lesbian who has not accepted it yet. No, I am not in denial.

  • The gender of my last partner is not an indication of whether or not I am going to leave a new partner for the opposite sex.
  • The gender of my last partner will not indicate how I rate on the Kinsey scale or my fluid sexuality spectrum.
  • The gender of the last person I was in a relationship with is not a clue as to whether I would cheat on anyone.
  • The gender of my last partner will not tell anyone anything beyond the fact that I am bisexual.

We do not go around asking prospective straight partners if their last partner was black or white, tall or short. This would be considered distasteful and rude. So, why do we think it is OK to ask bisexuals the gender of their last partner?

I will leave you with this food for thought-

Some people like Ice-cream.
Some people like cookies
Some people like ice-cream and cookies.
Hope that was easy enough to digest.

Happy LGBT+ Month 

BiCon UK 2018

I attended my first BiCon UK 2018 on Thursday 2nd to Sunday 5th August 2018 at University of Salford, and I must say, I really enjoyed it!

BiConvention/Conference is an annual event in UK. From BiCon UK website-

BiCon is a weekend-long educational and social gathering for bi people, their friends, partners, and others with a supportive interest in bisexuality. We don’t all use the labels “bi” or “bisexual” or even agree on what it means to be bi, but bisexuality is the common theme.

BiCon has been held in a different part of the UK each year since 1984. BiCon is proud to implement a code of conduct and is committed to making our event accessible.

The weekend often runs from Thursday through to Sunday, but that can vary. There are discussion groups and sessions in the daytime, social spaces and entertainment in the evening.

Each evening there’s a bar and social space, sometimes with performers or a disco, plus quiet space for board games or simply chilling out. Sometimes there’s a “BiCon Ball”, one evening for those who like to dress up (although you don’t have to!) and many other indoor and outdoor activities.

When I took some days off work and got on the train To BiCon UK, I really needed the break. Also, it was my first BiCon and I did not know what to expect.

Knackered on the train. However, I’m on my way to the annual BiCon UK taking place in Manchester this year. It’s gonna be refreshing, rejuvenating and a relaxing weekend with fellow BiFabulous people. Let the BiFun begin but first, I need a nap.

By the time I got to the venue, registered, got the keys to my very cosy, nice room, I began to relax and settle in for a what promised to be a BiFun Weekend.

Time to settle in and get my BiFabulous weekend started

 

There were variety of workshops to choose from, I was spoilt for choice. I enjoyed all the workshops I attended, and some of the best ones were-

Just A Bi-Sexual minute -An imitation of a radio game where s person talks about a given topic for a minute without pause, repetition, hesitation etc. I had fun having a go at it.

Fatticorms Unite –Very refreshing and enlightening discussion about Body Positivity

Safer Sex: What we should have learnt about Sex Ed –Useful tips on safe sex and where to get affordable protection.

Bi in the workplace – Great discussion about being Bi in the workplace and as an out Bisexual at my workplace, trade unionist and activist, I found this very interesting to share experiences.

BME safe place – I really enjoyed this safe place gathering because I was going through a very nasty situation steeped in racism in my workplace, that has to do with being the only black person in all white workplace where they have no idea about inclusion, diversity and white privilege. I was taking on the brunt of their lack of understanding of these issues, with the burden of pointing out these issues, and as a result tasked to do the extra labour of educating them on these issues. The BME same place was a welcomed relief. Listening to the experiences of my fellow BMEs, I was reassured that I am not losing the plot, it’s not all in my head and I am not alone!

Enjoying the various workshops at BiConUK. So many Bifabulous people to learn from and share experiences with. Lovely atmosphere to reunite with old friends and make new friends too.

It was not all about workshops and learning, it was all fun in the evenings. I had my first Silent disco, it was such fun dancing to my own playlist with my earphone on. Everyone on the dancefloor had their headphones on, just dancing to their own beats on the dancefloor. It was like being in your own world, free to move to your own beats however you like. It was so liberating. Who knew dancing in public to songs only you could hear could be so much fun? Ah wait a minute, I do it all the time at the gym! Loved sharing the silent dancefloor with fellow unicorns.

The BiCon Ball was held on the last night, it was simply fabulous.

Off to the ball…Kudos to all who dressed up to the ball as mythical bisexual characters, you were all fabulous! Well, I didn’t dress up as a mythical character to the ball, but chose instead to go as my fabulous self.

We Stand Together. Together we can build a better world where everyone matters. A world where we can all live to achieve our full potentials regardless of race, gender identity, sexual orientation or class. A world where we are free to be our fabulous selves because our existence is not a harm to anyone. A better world is possible, we just need to want it enough to build it together. Every step matters.

Thank you to all the special people I met at Bicon. Thanks to the organisers and volunteers for doing such a great job. Thanks to everyone at BiCon who respected the Code of Conduct, The participants made it such a lovely experience as everyone was just so courteous, respectful and very welcoming. I am already looking forward to the next BiCon.

Enjoy the pics and video from my BiCon Lens!

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Celebrating My Uncelebrated Nigerian Award!

On Saturday Sep 24th, 2016, the Nigerian community in UK organised an award dinner ceremony to honour 56 uncelebrated Nigerians in five different categories as part of Nigeria’s 56th independence anniversary.

I was proud to be nominated for the award and was really honoured to receive the Uncelebrated Nigerians Award for contribution to Legal, Security & Law enforcement.

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In my acceptance speech, i dedicated the award to Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transsexuals and Queers in Nigeria and diaspora. Every Nigerian deserves to be free from discrimination regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. LGBT Rights are Human Rights. [Read more…]

Celebrate Bisexual Visibility Day; Be BiVisible and BiFabulous!

September 23rd is Bisexuality Day, also known as Bi Visibility Day.  It’s Bi Visibility day today, I guess it is that one time of the year where I have to stop being so magically invisible and show myself in all my Unicorn glory; as a Bisexual!

Being Visible does come with its price, for example, I have to pay for things I bought in the stores today, cos well, I’m visible today. I have to bring out my oyster travel card and pay for bus, tubes and tram rides, like every other visible person cos I can’t ride for free today.  I get to be a visible B within the LGBT rainbow community today and I’d say, it’s worth it.

I know I am happy the LGBT community would at least recognise my existence today, it isn’t fun being that invisible B within the LGBT rainbow family all year long!

It sure does hurt when your own family fails to recognise you exist.  For example, a few days after marching and partying it up at the London Pride in Soho, I was at a swanky Sexual health clinic in Soho for my annual Sexual health check.  The place came highly recommended by an impressed friend I met at London Pride who was going on about how nice, easy and smooth the Sexual Health clinic in Soho was, so I decided to do my annual check there. [Read more…]

5 Things You Should Not Ask A Bisexual

 5- “Maybe you are just confused?”

No, I am not confused, thank you. It is astonishing how many people still ask bisexuals this question, even within the LGBT community. Being264251_240895435929789_1041013_n capable of emotional and/or sexual attraction to persons of same-sex and opposite sex does not mean bisexuals are confused about their sexual orientation.

BISEXUALITY is romantic or sexual attraction toward males and females; it also encompasses attractions to all gender identities and biological sexes. Because Bisexuals do not fall into the normative heterosexual attraction or the homosexual narrative does not mean bisexuality is invalid or in any way confusing. Bisexuals are people who are capable of sexual attraction to same, opposite and/or all genders. It really is as simple as that.

If you understand that heterosexuals are people who are sexually/emotionally attracted to people of opposite sex and that homosexuals are people who are attracted to same-sex, it shouldn’t be difficult to understand that bisexuals are people who are attracted to same-sex and opposite sex.

Please, do not dump the ‘confused’ label on bisexuals just because you are reluctant to think beyond the regular narrative.

 4- “Are you not just being greedy?”

What is so annoying about this question is the judgemental tone that usually accompanies it. [Read more…]