As it is LGBT History month, I have written an updated version of my blog post-5 Things You Should Not Ask a Bisexual
BISEXUALITY is romantic or sexual attraction towards same and other genders. It is attraction to men and women and it encompasses attractions to other gender identities including non-binaries. Bisexuality does not mean Man or woman; gender is not binary. There are other gender identities beyond binary. This is why Bisexuality is defined as attraction to same and other gender. The other genders could be any, multiple or all type of gender identities. Bisexuals are capable of sexual and/or emotional attraction to same gender, multiple genders or all genders.
The fact that Bisexuals do not fall into the normative heterosexual attraction narrative or the homosexual narrative, does not mean bisexuality is invalid as a sexual identity. We easily understand that heterosexuals are people who are sexually/emotionally attracted to people of opposite sex and that homosexuals are people who are attracted to same-sex. In the same vein, we can easily understand that Bisexuals are people who are capable of sexual attraction to same and other genders. It really is as simple as that.
Therefore, it’s upsetting when people say things like–
- Bisexuals are confused.
- Bisexuals are greedy.
- Bisexuals do not know what they want.
- Bisexuals just want it all.
Below are 5 Things You Should Not say to or ask a Bisexual
5 -“Maybe you are just confused?”
It is astonishing how many people still say this to bisexuals, including within the LGBTIAQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Intersex, Asexual, Queer) community. Being capable of romantic and/or sexual attraction to same and other gender does not mean Bisexuals are confused. This stereotype is not true and it is harmful to our physical and mental health.
4-“Are you not just being greedy?”
One very annoying thing about this question is the judgemental tone that usually accompanies it. No, my sexual orientation does not have anything to do with my libido or the number of partners I have or had. Bisexuals are not greedy; we just have the innate capacity to be attracted to genders different than ours. As I like to see it, as a bisexual, I am not emotionally or sexually allergic to any gender. This is not about greed.
- There are bisexuals who are virgins. Not having any sexual experience does not disqualify anyone from identifying as bisexual. Bisexuals are born this way, we are born Bisexual.
- There are bisexuals who are in monogamous relationships. This could be with same or opposite sex or non-binary partner.
- There are bisexuals who are in polyamorous relationships. The partners can be of same, opposite or multiple genders.
- There are bisexuals who are in polygamous relationships.
- There are bisexuals who are not in any relationship.
- There are bisexuals who have sex regularly.
- There are bisexuals who do not have sex regularly.
- There are bisexuals who do not have sex at all
Bisexuals are like, well, everyone else on planet earth! Our sexual orientation is not an indication of how often we have sex or the number of partners we have or how sexually greedy we are.
When you ask Bisexuals if they are not just being greedy, what.we are really saying is that being capable of sexual and/or emotional attraction to same and other genders is greedy. Don’t do this, there is no correlation between sexual orientation and greed.
3- Will you join me and my girlfriend for a threesome?
Bisexuality is a Sexual orientation, not a fantasy or fetish. This is a particularly painful stereotype because it reduces not just our sexual identity but our person to a sexual object, to be served up as an exotic dish for consumption. As a single bisexual woman who is on one or two dating sites, I know first-hand how much this question hurts, especially when it is the conversation opener. This has discouraged many bisexuals from indicating their sexual orientation on dating sites. Having to hide our identity because of the hurtful, inconsiderate actions of others only further contributes to the invisibility of Bisexuals. Just like heterosexuals and homosexuals, there are Bisexuals who are interested in threesomes and those who are not. However, we do not go around fundamentally assuming that straight people or gays are by default interested in threesomes. The frustrating part is, when we say, “No, thanks, not interested”, they come back with, “But you said you are Bisexual.” Yuk, No, just no, pls, do not be like that.
2-“Does this mean you are now lesbian/gay/Straight?”(When bisexuals date same or opposite sex)
When a Bisexual person starts a same sex relationship, it is very common for people to ask if they are now lesbian. Same goes for when we date an opposite sex person, we are asked, “are you straight now?” Hmm, actually, this fluidity is kind of the reason we are bisexuals. We exist as Bisexuals regardless of the gender of our partner.
- The fact that I am in an opposite sex relationship does not mean I am now heterosexual.
- My sexual orientation does not change with the gender of my partner.
- My sexual orientation does not change every time my relationship status changes.
- No, my sexual orientation does not change with the biological sex or gender identity of my partner.
- Also, not having a partner or lack of sexual activity does not change my sexual orientation.
- Yes, I am still bisexual whatever the gender, sexual or marital status of my relationship.
- Bi Girls who have only dated boys are still Bi.
- Bi Boys who prefer boys are still Bi and vice versa.
- Married Bi people are still Bi.
- Bi people are Bi regardless of relationship status.
1- Was your last relationship with a man or woman?
I personally find that this question comes across as scrutinising and judgmental. It is as if they are about to score me on my sexuality. Since they already know I am bisexual, why ask this annoying question? The question is invasively scrutinising. If I said my last relationship was with a man, they start thinking, maybe she really prefers men. I am not experimenting.
If I told you my last relationship was with a woman, they start thinking, maybe she is actually a lesbian who has not accepted it yet. No, I am not in denial.
- The gender of my last partner is not an indication of whether or not I am going to leave a new partner for the opposite sex.
- The gender of my last partner will not indicate how I rate on the Kinsey scale or my fluid sexuality spectrum.
- The gender of the last person I was in a relationship with is not a clue as to whether I would cheat on anyone.
- The gender of my last partner will not tell anyone anything beyond the fact that I am bisexual.
We do not go around asking prospective straight partners if their last partner was black or white, tall or short. This would be considered distasteful and rude. So, why do we think it is OK to ask bisexuals the gender of their last partner?
I will leave you with this food for thought-
Some people like Ice-cream.
Some people like cookies
Some people like ice-cream and cookies.
Hope that was easy enough to digest.
Happy LGBT+ Month