Unitarian Jihad

Tremble Before Us (as long as you're comfortable)

Tremble Before Us (as long as you’re comfortable doing so)

Now more than ever, the message of the Unitarian Jihad is appropriate:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism — 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to … you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

[Full statement]

I did know a unitarian jihadi, once. He did send people strongly-worded messages and one time he stood in the doorway and coughed loudly for attention. I think he blew up a balloon, but gently.


  1. militantagnostic says

    Careful there Marcus. If you mock the Unitarians, they will come to your house in the middle of the night and burn a question mark on your lawn,

  2. chigau (ever-elliptical) says

    A few years ago the next door neighbour fertilised a question mark onto their lawn.
    It was a thing of beauty.

  3. chigau (ever-elliptical) says

    Sister Boot Knife of Courteous Debate
    and I refresshed alot to get there

  4. Lofty says

    On the other hand:
    Brother Garrote of Looking at All Sides of the Question
    I used to drive my mother nuts by always offering a different view point to hers.
    “Oh, that (item) is ugly!”
    “But someone liked it enough to buy it”
    “Oh you just like to argue for the sake of it!”

  5. komarov says

    Hah, “Brother Machine Gun of Reasoned Discussion”, I don’t think so. Like all machineguns I tend to run out of ammunition (and patience) rather quickly.