Back, Sort Of…

This ^ is for Chigau – I already have the daisies!

Today is the first day I have not had to be in town all bloody day. Hospital, Cancer Center, Hospital, Pain Clinic. I have a host of new meds, some for the sciatica, which are helping, but basically, the most helpful thing there is rest, which I won’t be getting much of at all. I have been cleared for radiation & oral chemo. I picked up most of my oral chemo meds; the experimental drug I pick up on Tuesday, when I start radiation. The schedule is going to get crazy fast: I have to be in town Monday through Friday for the next five weeks. Blogging might get a tad erratic, to say the least. Rick and I will be staying in town on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

There is some very good news: my tumor markers have gone from 11.9 to 3.6. Yay me. I wish to hell I could skip radiation. This week, I had my ‘cradle’ molded and fitted. Before you start radiation, you’re placed in the scanner, with a sort of plastic bag under you from your waist to past your feet. The edges are filled like a bean bag, and the technicians roll and mold this all around you, then the air is sucked out, and it forms a hard plastic mold. You lay down in this cradle each time you’re there for treatment. If you choose to have this done with shoes on, you have to wear the same shoes every time. I also had my tats done, not at all like an actual one. Picked up Aquaphor for burns and other relevant stuff.

Met my new oncologist, a very cheerful and enthusiastic person. We quite like them. I’ll probably have to be spending a bit of time in a wheelchair when in town, all the walking involved won’t do the sciatica any good. Oh, that’s right, I have all this paperwork I have to go through and start filling out a ‘pill count’ diary for the oral chemo and experimental; christ, I almost forgot all about that. My research person and I had a good moan about how pointless this type of paperwork is; I could be giving the pills to my dog and still fill out the paperwork like I was taking them and all, but this is going to be “drown yourself in paper” time. I also have to remember to take the experimental drug with me every other week, so a pill count can be done. Again, pointless.

Now, I’ll try and get a bit of blogging done!

Creatures of Brain Sorbet & More Admin Crap.

Creatures of Brain Sorbet, © C. Ford, all rights reserved.

Creatures of Brain Sorbet, © C. Ford, all rights reserved.

A little while ago, I decided I needed a break from Thorns, a sort of sorbet for the brain. As it turns out, a good decision – I need something to focus on without investment because I have been a wretched heap of misery since Thursday morning. Upon waking Thursday, I discovered I couldn’t walk. My left leg went out from under me, accompanied by a scream. Trying again, I could sort of lurch if I took teensy tiny partial steps. The primary pain was to the side and down from my kneecap (outside of leg), a site well known to me, as it’s long been a sensitive one. That’s where the sciatic nerve splits off into the tibial and peroneal nerves. Standing, with no weight on the leg at all, the pain radiated down to my ankle, which was slightly swollen along with my foot, and radiated up the back of my thigh to my arse. Oh good, my sciatic nerve is on a fucking rampage. (Yes, I still went out that night to get shots of the storm, lurching and limping and dragging myself, with the aid of morphine.) Anyone who has ever dealt with sciatic pain, you know what I’m talking about, painwise. People infected with the photography bug know you have to be at least 15/16ths dead before you miss a possible once in a lifetime shot.

The last time I had sciatica, it lasted most of a year. I am just so fucked. The pain has been very near to insanity levels. There has been much yelling, a fair amount of screaming, and a lot of collapsing into a pile of sobs. Thanks to chemo brain, it wasn’t until Friday night that I did  what I should have done immediately on Thursday morning – take aspirin. The aspirin helped much more than the morphine, helping to deal with the inflammation. It’s not helping as much now, but hey, at this point, I’ll take what I can get. I did have to fucking crawl into the lav on Thursday morning though, so I was bit preoccupied. Of course, another storm hit, and the circuit breaker which controls my studio lights keeps flipping off every hour or so. That means…stairs. Interesting to navigate when you can’t bend one knee without screaming. The breaker just went again. Fuck it, I’ll get it in the morning. Apparently, the pain and humiliation of the last four days wasn’t quite enough, as I have been called back into Cancerland early.  My oncologist (first one) insisted I meet  again with Cole (radiation doc) tomorrow (Monday the 18th). Just what I need, a nice long car ride to irritate the holy fuck outta my sciatic nerve. Ought to be fun. I suppose I’ll be getting my tats tomorrow.

Poor Jayne, he’s about a wreck, not knowing what to do with this screaming one second, racked with sobs the next person who appears to have eaten his regular person alive. Thanks to the confluence of morphine and aspirin, I can get 2 hours or so mostly pain free a day, but mornings are a nightmare, because after sleeping, I’m right back to where I was on Thursday morn.  This is one situation where I’m truly thankful to be an atheist. To think or say to myself: the universe is pissed I didn’t take the hint and die, so it’s going to keep dropping  big-ass bricks on my head is obviously sillier than fuck, and can be dismissed as a pity party moment. If I believed in a god though: god is pissed I didn’t take the hint and die, so he’s going to keep dropping  big-ass bricks on my head, I think I would be in a very bad and dangerous place which would lead to very bad decisions, like stopping treatment and placing myself in “god’s hands”, going the “god’s will” route.

It’s now time to stop faking it (puttin’ on that brave face).  I’m becoming increasingly fearful of showering, scared I’m gonna fall and kill myself in there. Think it might be time for some accessories in there, or at least a plastic chair I can sit on, or fall back on. Ah well, time to face the shower. Anyroad, I will be taking Monday the 18th completely off, I didn’t have time to schedule anything, either.  Going to sleep as long as possible, take much aspirin and morphine, wrap myself in pillows, and try to get through the day without breaking the fuck down, and I’ve felt much too close to a breakdown the last few days. As far as I know right now, I’ll be back to Affinity sometime Tuesday. I know my blogging has been on the shitty side lately, really sorry about this, I’ll make it up to you all.

Admin Stuff.

© C. Ford, all rights reserved.

© C. Ford, all rights reserved.

Much like Valleray, pictured above, I too am desirous of a long, long sleep. So, I’ll probably be around sometime Monday, but I don’t know when. Things will start eventually, and there’s plenty to peruse from this weekend, because I suspect most people had the sense to be out and about enjoying themselves rather than sitting in front of a computer. I will definitely be gone on Tuesday, because I need to get away from this house, this computer, this everything. We’re going to go travel gravel for a while.

A Quick Note.

Tomorrow is April 1st. I don’t “do” April Fool, I find that sort of thing boring and annoying. If you’re someone who thinks April Fool is all harharfunny, please, take it somewhere else, it will not be appreciated here. And if you’re one of those people who reads this and thinks it’s still okay to carry on, here’s a fuck you, you are outta here ahead of time. It’s just another day, and if you treat it that way, we’ll all have a fine one. As for Ēostre Day, have a good one, in any way you choose. Me, I’m going to continue to sleep in, I’m sure Ēostre won’t mind.

Chemo Day…I Hope.

Harry Sieplinga via Getty Images.

So, I’m supposed to have my second infusion today. I’ve been pushed back so far, I’m back to the beginning again, so it’s eight cycles, not seven. The “I hope” is because I have to be in same day surgery first, to have Grimhild irrigated, and I got a feeling…well, if I am imprisoned again, I’ll be prepared. I’ll have my artwork, packed duffel, Hekate (spare computer), and I found and dusted off one of my little stealth cameras, my coolpix, um, I think it might be an S1 or summat. So, hopefully I’ll have everything I need…Just In Case.

Anyroad, I won’t be around all day, because I probably won’t get out of chemo until around 4pm, and if it’s possible, and if I don’t feel like death, we’re gonna Black Panther!

Working on…

Another bag, what else? :D Monday and Tuesday, there might not be much content, I have to head in to meet my radiation doc Monday morning, and to see my primary doc on Tuesday morning. I wish they believed in late afternoons more, be easier. Oh, I should mention, the little black heart is not my design, that’s Urban Threads. Go have a look, they have fabulous stuff. Previous Bag.

Stuff.

Time for more medical stuff, so we’re going to be in town the next couple of days. I’ll have the regular stuff up for Tuesday and Wednesday, but I don’t know that I’ll get much more blogging done than that, and there might be a late start on Thursday morning. TNET will be open, as always. Now, if we can just get water back (town’s water main is out again.)