Hey Texas Republicans!

Time to bring back lawn-darts, you stupid gomers!

Why not? Remember those? Having a steel spike stuck in your kid’s skull is some kind of Texas freedom for sure! It’ll fulfil your kid-crippling danger needs until they’re old enough to buy their own battle rifle!

I hope your own kids shoot you, stupid Texans. What kid wouldn’t want to shoot their stupid republican parent? Golly gosh! Throw lawn darts at your conservative parents. Especially throw them at your elected representatives – they’re all about playing “catch” with constituents.

Hmm… maybe I’ve gone too far. No: beating cops with flag poles flying the American flag, that’s going too far.


  1. Reginald Selkirk says

    Don Kahle column, June 3, 2022

    We understood that heavy pointed objects falling from the sky posed a danger, but it never seemed clear and present to us. David Snow was not so lucky — unfortunately for him, but good for everyone else. When his 7-year-old daughter was accidentally impaled by a lawn dart 35 years ago this month, he vowed to prevent future tragedies.

    He petitioned the federal government to ban their sale and succeeded 18 months later. Ronald Reagan met him in the White House and called him a hero. Lawn darts were pulled from store shelves just a week before Christmas, 1988. More than 6,000 people — mostly children — had been taken to emergency rooms with Jarts-related injuries during the decade before Snow’s tragedy; almost none since.
    If only the federal government could regulate guns like Jarts…

  2. Tethys says

    Yup, Texas is far ahead in the category of most delirious state. (Their heatwave might be a contributing factor)
    If we let them have the lawn darts, next they will be demanding their rights to have Pintos and original Coke.

    Hubris and corporate profits were at stake!!

    Adding to the pressure to ignore these safety costs was Lee Iacocca’s stated goal that the Pinto was not to weigh an ounce over 2,000 pounds and not to cost a cent over $2,000. So, even when a crash test showed that a one-pound, one-dollar piece of plastic prevented the gas tank from being punctured, the alternative was thrown out as extra cost and extra weight.

  3. says

    I feel like lawn darts were invented because someone went: “Now that we all have these identical, boring grass lawns, what do we do with them?”

  4. lanir says

    Is this in reference to a particular thing or just in general? Mainly curious because there seem to be so many options to choose from.

  5. dangerousbeans says

    Todd Cutler (Todd’s workshop) made and tested some of these. or Roman war darts, or something similar
    They look fun

    @ Tethys
    ok, but if we have to have cars can we bring back light weight rear wheel drive ones, without all the modern bloat?

  6. Tethys says


    Sure, as long as they explode into fiery balls of death if the cheap gas tanks rupture in minor collisions.

    Personally I like front wheel drive and all wheel drive for our far north winters. One wheel rear drive was notorious for getting stuck in the snow.

  7. dangerousbeans says

    Given the way climate change is going that seems like a sensible idea. looks like i’ll be living in a Mad Max Australia pretty soon

  8. lorn says

    Lawn darts, a fun game. Pretty obvious on the down side. When we got bored we threw them at each other, rule was you had to throw them underhand in a long arc, and we would dodge them. Point was to allow them to get close, but not too close. A fast paced game of bravery and style. Gauging the trajectory at the apex and standing still with the dart landing within inches was good for points. Catching the handle on the back was a big score.

    We had a few cases of minor flesh wounds, mostly to feet. My Chuck Taylor All-star high-tops, in black, got a hole in the toe cap but it missed my toes by a full half-inch. Keven had a nice three-eighths by two groove plowed into the side of his foot. we stuffed it with napkins from the local burger place and held it in place with duct tape. He was back playing in an hour. None of us told our folks.

    After awhile we moved to other things. Mini-bikes were next, I think. I dislocated three fingers when I hit a pine tree and reset them myself. Even though we all had free medical, all of the people I hung with were military dependents, we rarely went to the clinic. Minor cuts were bandaged up and ones that wouldn’t close we stitched up with sewing thread or dental floss.

    One day I’ll spill the beans on how I got a shark hook buried in my calf, barb and all, a couple of inches deep and did go to the clinic. Funny story.

    Eventually the gang scattered as everyone chased skirts, or worked on cars, or took up alcohols ,or recreational drugs.

    A couple years ago I saw a rural family having a cook-out and playing with Jarts. Still a fun game I suppose. They were all sucking down beer at a determined pace. I guess a little beer and lawn darts isn’t as bad as drunk and playing with shotguns and three-wheelers.

    One day I’ll tell you about the family gathering where two drunk brothers ( ‘alcohol involved’ is something of a theme) played catch with a pygmy rattler. Good times.

    Rural folks can really make their own fun. They seem happy enough but I, generally, stayed on the periphery and had fun watching.

  9. says

    PS- I wrote this posting during the post-peak of my covid infection. Perhaps my cognition was affected? I don’t know, of course. Person, woman, man, camera, tv, motherfucker!

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