My fellow Americans in Georgia.
I know that what I am going to say does not apply to all of you. It only applies to a majority of you. That it applies to a majority of you is clear from history, as well as the present. There are plenty of Georgians who are good people, who are not willing to tread down the tired old path of racism and disenfranchisement, and I’m not speaking to those people. To those people: you have my sympathy. Maybe it’s time to give up on the rest of Georgia and just leave; let them sink into the status of a 3rd world nation and – if you feel like living in Georgia again, someday, come back and buy up some real estate at fire-sale prices once Georgia is in the tank where it belongs.
The rest of you Georgians: you keep electing anti-democratic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, intolerant christian dominionist politicians. You have had at least 125 years – several generations – to stop that stupidity but, instead of taking your beating like men, and re-assessing the right and wrong of your attitudes, you’ve resorted to being sneaky cowards. Some of you sneaky cowards wear pillowcases on your heads, and try to convince yourselves you did it to be scary instead of that you were hiding because you knew that, if your identity were known, you’d get your white southern asses whupped again. I’m sorry, was that too direct? Let me be more clear: you were idiots in 1861 and had everything you had worked for, and built (or gotten black slaves to build for you) destroyed. You risked it all, and you lost. You lost because you were stupid; you were a minor agrarian power and you declared war on an industrialized nation. You were a bunch of arrogant mice who were so full of your white supremacy that you thought you’d win at ridiculous odds. Instead, as you should have expected, you got to experience what being ground under the boot feels like. You didn’t experience anywhere near as bad a subjection as your black slaves experienced for much longer, but you ought to have put 2 and 2 together at that time, and re-thought your ways. Only an ideologically deranged fool would have taken an ass whupping like you did, and still clung to some notion of supremacy. But, that is what you did. Or, your great grandparents did. But your grandparents and parents continued that tradition and some of you still proudly and stupidly wave the flag of failure. You’re worse and stupider than the nazis, who caught on to the error of their ways after their thousand year reich was hammered to bits in 12 years. Can’t you learn from mistakes?
Since you’re Georgians, you probably don’t even know the history of post-civil-war reconstruction,[hist] and how you were given a chance to rejoin your country on remarkably generous terms. There were many in the United States who wished to punish the south, but you got lucky, what with a crazed assassin killing Abraham Lincoln at a convenient moment, and someone I can only describe as “one of your people” wound up in the White House. That was an opportunity for you collectively to stop being such horrible people – but it was an opportunity you most enthusiastically rejected. Since you’re ignorant of history (you have to be, to be a Georgian) briefly: Georgia was required to respect United States democracy, including giving black people the vote and opportunity to run for office. That was one of the conditions for your rejoining the country and some mumbled oaths of loyalty (i.e.: lies) later, Georgians immediately began a campaign of covert, cowardly, assassination, violence and political suppression in an attempt to re-establish exactly the same politics that had gotten your asses thrashed in 1865. None of you alive remember when Georgia’s economy cratered to 1/20th of what it was before The Civil War you helped start, but rest assured, that can happen again. During reconstruction, after swearing to obey the constitution of the United States (again) your ancestors reneged on their oath so thoroughly – rejecting the 14th Amendment (a thing they had no right to do as a state within the United States) – that the United States threw Georgia out of the union, again from 1868-1869, re-establishing military rule over you jackasses and cowardly night-murdering KKK terrorists. Your white neighbors, friends, and the jackasses you helped elect to office – they’re trying to replay the cowardly maneuvers that got your asses whupped again in 1869. Such an inability to learn from mistakes is epic; in fact failure to learn from your mistakes is practically the salient characteristic of the Georgian white American.
But it’s 2021 now, and your politicians are horrified to see that a couple of black people managed to get elected in spite of their best efforts to gerrymander and suppress the vote. They’re stuck in the glory days of 1868, when, fresh from losing on the battlefield, they had to lose again and again in the courts and legislature. Enough. And I mean, enough.
As your president, I have powers you probably don’t understand. For starters, as the commander in chief of the US Army, I am directing that all of the US military bases in Georgia be shut down; they will be relocating to states where they will be appreciated. I expect that move may cause some unhappiness or even unrest so I am declaring a State of Emergency along the Georgia border with the rest of the United States; ID checks will be mandatory at the main border crossings; white Georgians attempting to leave Georgia will need a US Government Passport. Depending on how things go, you may be deported back to Georgia, so don’t plan on sinking deep roots elsewhere in the country. Oh, and we will be establishing a tax surcharge for goods exiting Georgia to destinations elsewhere in the country, to help defray the cost of the new border that we will be building. I will not sign a budget that has federal money for Georgia. That’ll give you a chance to get a feeling for what secession will be like.
Because, you see, I think it’s time for you to “Gexit” or “GTFO” or whatever you want to call it. Your jackass politicians have not wanted to be part of the United States’ democracy, so, well, we’re going to force you out. The Constitution doesn’t say anything about throwing a state out of the union, but it’s easy to divide a state up, and subdivide it until you’re an economic “powerhouse” that envies Haiti. You won’t have a military. You won’t get any federal infrastructure money, medical research, telecommunications subsidies, corporate tax incentives, etc. Every business in Georgia will have its tax filings examined with a fine-tooth comb and if they’ve been dodging their federal taxes they’ll have the choice of moving to someplace that wants to be part of the United States, or paying back taxes. Your economy isn’t even going to be large enough to describe as “a cinder.” That’s all assuming your citizens and politicians don’t do a very rapid 180 degree turn and start being American. Because, if you don’t want to be participants in American democracy, you can be a third world power with an economy about the size of Nicaragua’s – and you’ll have no military and you’re nearest neighbor (the USA) is the world’s leading super-power. After “Gexit” has proceeded some distance, you will realize that the sun will never rise on a Georgia in which the white politicians and voters are not subjected to the daily humiliation of your own stupidity.
After we’ve gotten rid of you jackasses, we’ll have the votes in the Senate to partition Texas and give those complaining jerks back to Mexico. North Carolina and Mississippi, you’ve got until my next term in office to turn things around, because – with all the flooding that’s coming – we’d save a whole lot of tax dollars if we cut you loose so you can have your “liberties.”
Enjoy the ride,
I wanted to write this for April 1, but I wound up spending my time experimenting with pan-seared scallops and pasta with lemon butter and bitterness-blogging didn’t seem that compelling. But, today, I woke up and read about more Southern Jackassery and – well – I’m just “over” the south. We should just fuck the white south back to the stone age, then drop a rock on them. What a mess. Yeah, I know “not all southerners are bad people” but that’s basically the “a few bad apples” argument – except that the white south is at least 50% bad apples and obviously so. They keep talking about seceeding, well, give them what they want and let them choke to death on it.