How much are you influenced by the people in your life?

Do you remember your relationships when you were a teenager? I swore I was in love. When I was nineteen, I moved from Ohio to California with my boyfriend. Moving had been my idea and when we got to California, it was pretty clear that he didn’t want to be there. The relationship fell apart soon after and he moved back home.

Why would he agree to such a drastic change if he really didn’t want to do it? (I’m going to ask myself that question in a minute.)

My next boyfriend was Jewish and his family was unhappy that I wasn’t. At the time, I didn’t consider myself an atheist yet, but I was definitely turned off by religion in general. Despite my true feelings, I started taking classes to convert to Judaism. My boyfriend’s parents were paying for them, of course. 

I didn’t want to be Jewish so why the hell did I agree to convert? (I never followed through, by the way.) 

Many years later I met my husband. Our relationship is different from any of my other relationships because we didn’t have to change for each other. Our similarities and differences seem to balance us out.

Influence can be positive or negative, but what if you lose yourself in the process?

I know someone who is heavily influenced by the women he’s with. He takes on their traits and it can be good or bad depending on the woman. It’s been going on for so long that it makes me wonder if I truly know who he is as an individual. 

How do you contribute to a meaningful relationship if you’re not being authentic?

Is it possible to be easily influenced because you just don’t know what you want?

What makes a person easily influenced? I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve developed a stronger sense of self. I’m not saying it’s always easy to be authentic but I’ve learned that it’s harder not to. Does a less–developed sense of self make you susceptible to the influence of others?

How do you get to know yourself outside of the influence of others? I spend a lot of time alone and have had lots of time to think about the things I want. Being alone has allowed me to develop my sense of self which has given me a confidence I didn’t have when I was younger. 

Does age affect how easily influenced you are?

One thing I regret is not living alone. When I was in my twenties I had an apartment near campus for a very short time, but other than that I lived with my parents or a boyfriend. Had I taken more time to get to know myself back then, I’m sure it would have had an impact on my relationships and goals.

What do you think? Have your partner, family, or friends influenced you in some way? Do you stay true to yourself? What makes a person influenced or influential?

Living with a Mental Illness: What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

Living with a Mental Illness: What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

 

  1. You don’t have to chase after a “normal” life. A normal life is not necessarily the goal of recovery – even if your friends and family think otherwise. Do what works for you.
  2. Find a way to embrace and celebrate your uniqueness. I’ve learned it’s better to accept your differences than to change them. You’re going to stand out and you have to find the confidence to be okay with that.
  3. Beware of people that invalidate your thoughts and feelings because you’re mentally ill. It’s really just an excuse for them to not hold themselves accountable. Watch for phrases like “too sensitive” and “crazy” and then find more thoughtful and understanding people to hang out with. 
  4. Medications are great but therapy is also really helpful. There have been so many times in my life when I said I’m on medication and don’t require therapy but really the ideal situation is having both.
  5. You are not damaged. You are just as worthy as everyone else. A mental illness doesn’t make you less than others. You are deserving of a fulfilling life and a seat at the table.
  6. A wise man with a similar diagnosis once told me that sometimes you have to stretch yourself to see what you are truly capable of. I actually took this advice when I was younger and it has served me greatly through the years.

 

People in recovery, what would you add to the list? For everyone – what are some things you knew when you were younger? What would’ve been helpful? What would have saved you some heartache?

A Poem from an Anxious Mother

A New Promise

 

I’m just a tired parent
overprepared with anxiety and wet wipes.
You’re an everchanging little girl,
yet I stay in place.

Pick, pick, pester.
Put your clothes away.
Clean up your toys.
Put on a coat.

I don’t want to be angry all the time.
You don’t want me to either.
My anger is fear —
a need to protect you.

You’re my one and only.
A raised voice,
a quiet tear,
a new promise.

I’m raising a reflection
of my own little universe
and it’s time
to expand our horizons.

Learn, grow, discover –
I won’t stand in your way.
It’s your path
and merely my guidance.

Let’s let go
of the things that don’t matter
and focus on the love
in front of us.

In this – your eighth trip
around the blazing sun,
let’s see the good in the world —
and each other.

If laws didn’t exist, would you still trust people?

So, my seven-year-old just told me she doesn’t trust the police. The police don’t have a good reputation here and my husband and I don’t speak very highly of them (although the topic doesn’t come up very often). But still, the few times in my life I’ve needed the police they were there and I was grateful. If I wasn’t a middle-aged white woman, I’m sure my story would be different. 

Strange question – how badly do we really need laws? Are there too many of them?

If laws didn’t exist, would you still trust people? Are there people whose only deterrent from doing something horrible is the threat of incarceration? 

Does the threat of incarceration stop you from doing anything? Jail really scares me even though I’ve never been in any real trouble with the law. Deep down is that fear preventing me from doing anything?

The thought of laws not existing reminds me of people who say if you don’t have religion, how do you know right from wrong? Obviously, we know religion isn’t required in morality, so I feel if you took away laws, most people would still have a conscience.

Do laws work? It’s like that saying, “Locks keep honest people out.” If you really want to do something, do laws actually matter to you?

I asked my husband if there was anything illegal he wanted to do, and if he would do it if laws didn’t exist. He laughed and said he wanted to loiter. I told him it might be exciting to dine and ditch. We couldn’t seriously think of anything we actually wanted to do. Do you feel that way?

Are there any laws you would like to break if it was no longer illegal? Are there any laws you feel are unnecessary? I’ve always felt drugs should be decriminalized. 

How do you feel about laws? If you don’t want to comment on this post, I completely understand! I just thought it would be interesting to throw some questions out there.

The Confessions of a Mother

My daughter is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. When she entered the world seven years ago she changed everything. However, the stress of motherhood was more than I could have ever imagined. There was no way I could have known what this felt like beforehand and when my baby was born I was jumping in head first. No turning back. Nothing will ever be the same. 

Sometimes it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone – there are other parents around me all the time – but I’ve learned that also means everyone has an opinion. Mommy shaming is real and sometimes I wonder if I’m doing things because I think it’s what’s best for my daughter or because I think people will judge me if I don’t. 

Stress seems to come in two forms. First, caring that my daughter does well and wanting what’s best for her comes with this particular stress – like worrying about the future or about situations that might never happen. Sometimes it’s motivation to keep me prepared and organized as a mom. 

But then there’s this other stress – feeling a burden by the heavy responsibility of parenting. This is where I focus more on myself and my shortcomings. I assume I won’t measure up or I’ll fail my daughter. It feels deep and dark – like I’ll never be able to handle everything and it’s my fault. While feeling this kind of stress is painful, thankfully it’s short-lived because my husband always comes to my rescue. 

The stress is real and it’s relentless. Whether it’s good or bad, it all puts my anxiety through the roof.

But I would never give up my role as a mom. On her last day of school before summer break my daughter won an art award at school. I was so excited for her. Art is an interest my daughter and I share and when I get to paint with her it makes everything worth it. Those are the things that really matter. 

I literally can’t even remember what life felt like before becoming a mom. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but either way, I would never turn back time and go back. 

I would love to hear from other parents/relatives/caregivers. Can you relate to the stress, the judgment, the joy, and the times when all those feelings are mixed up together?

Is age just a number? How do you feel about it?

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately – which isn’t really like me – but I seem to be really drawn to documentaries and true crime. Apparently, I like to unwind by watching something stressful.

Have you seen The Curious Case of Natalia Grace? (I think I watched it on Prime or Hulu.) It was an interesting story but the ending was pretty unsatisfying. It’s about a family who adopted a little girl with dwarfism but in the end, they didn’t know her age. It’s quite possible that she was a very small adult masquerading as a child. I was left unsatisfied because there really were no answers in the documentary – just the mention of an upcoming court case. 

What would it be like to experience childhood as an adult? 

If you could be a child again, would you?

Personally, I wish to remain an adult. Childhood is rough. A budding mental illness coupled with normal growing pains left me feeling fearful and confused. I’m happy to be grown-up and in charge of my own life. As a child, I wish I would have felt the freedom I do now. There’s nothing worse than feeling stuck in a bad situation.

Do you feel and act your age?

I entered a new decade with my 40th birthday last November. I thought I was going to have a hard time with it, but so far, forty’s not so bad. I have a wonderful family and I get to do the things I love to do. I can’t really say that about other times in my life. I’m not as physically fit as I should be, but I get around just fine. Yeah. Forty’s pretty cool.

Should I fear the Golden Years?

Man, I don’t know how to say this nicely. While I’m just fine with being forty, today I realized that maybe I’m a little scared of becoming elderly. I dropped off an order at a local sign shop run by a husband and wife team. The husband took my order and told me to return a few hours later to pick it up. When I showed up later my order wasn’t finished. It turns out the husband has dementia and left. The wife cried when she realized what had happened. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever get my order but I really don’t care at this point. I couldn’t imagine going through that. The wife said they had been in business for fifty years and should call it quits.

I don’t ever want to have to call it quits.

 

There’s just been a lot in my life right now making me think about age – from myself, from raising my seven-year-old, and from my interactions with others. How do you feel about it? Would you ever want to be a child again? What’s been your best decade? How do you feel about your age right now?

How do you explain the world to kids?

The idea for this post started with my daughter coming home from the neighbor’s house and telling us that the little girl next door believes that the rain is Jesus’ tears. I was a little annoyed but at the same time, I giggled at the ridiculousness of that explanation. I left this one for my husband because he’s much more science-y than me. 

Parents Afraid of LGBTQ+ Issues

Then the idea for this post took a much more serious turn. Have you heard about the tuck-friendly bikini bottoms at Target? I’ve seen a million articles/posts about it to the point I didn’t think it was real. However, I went directly to the Target website and found the bikini bottoms for sale. They’re real and I think that’s awesome. 

But not everyone agrees with me. My husband tends to get in fights on Facebook and tucking bikini bottoms are the latest topic that has pissed off his friends. Some people commented, “How am I going to explain this to my kids?” My husband and I don’t understand the problem – you just explain it. 

Kids aren’t dumb and they certainly don’t carry as much judgment as adults. I don’t understand why parents/caregivers hold back. On the flip side, if someone has a problem with tuck-friendly bikini bottoms, you just know they’re going to unload their prejudice onto their kids.

Explaining the World to My Daughter

When I think about explaining things to my daughter, we mostly wait for her to ask questions, but I’m starting to think we need to be more proactive. We’ve touched on the birds and bees explaining a bit about where babies come from even though she hasn’t directly asked us. I just think it’s crucial that she gets this information from my husband and me first before anyone else gets to her.

When I was growing up, I remember feeling a lot of confusion. My parents didn’t talk to me about sex so everything I learned came from my older sister and other kids at school. Needless to say, there was a lot I didn’t know. 

The confusion wasn’t just about sex; it was about the world in general. I had serious mental health issues, lacked confidence, and knew absolutely nothing about money. I just feel my parents didn’t talk to me enough, and when I graduated high school, I was ill-prepared for adulthood. I don’t want my daughter to feel that way. 

Is there an appropriate age?

I am not an educator nor do I have a degree in child development so I’m a bit lost on this one. Are there certain ages appropriate for discussing different topics? Should you wait for children to ask questions? I personally feel that there’s not an appropriate age to explain things but there’s probably age-appropriate explanations. 

I don’t feel that it’s inappropriate that I’ve started talking to my seven-year-old daughter about sex. If I don’t talk to her now, others will beat me to it – it could come from something she sees online or other kids at school. I want her to be already somewhat knowledgeable before anyone else approaches her. If she knows what’s going on she will have a better chance of protecting herself.

Parents/caregivers/relatives – how do you explain things to your kids? Do you wait until they ask questions or do you approach them on certain topics? Kids are so innocent and new to the world that sometimes I wonder if my daughter even knows what questions to ask. Do you feel that way, too? What is your experience?

Body Acceptance, Positivity, and a Double Standard

My eating disorder damaged many aspects of my life, but they say when you’re in recovery, the body image issues are the last to go. At the moment, I am really exploring my feelings and beliefs about body acceptance. An eating disorder is made up of many different components, and this is an area I want to focus on. 

Here are a few thoughts on body acceptance and positivity.

Body Acceptance

Back in my heyday, I dated men of all different sizes, races, backgrounds, religions, etc. I was an equal-opportunity girlfriend and I learned from everyone. I came to a point where I decided I really like nerds and that was my only real preference.

Why is it that when I was younger and dating around, I didn’t really care about the shape or size of the men I was seeing, however, I was very concerned about my own shape and size? I’m sure many people probably feel the same way I did. Why do we hold ourselves to a different standard?

I am more accepting of my body now than I was when I was younger – even though I am much bigger now than I was back then. I can thank my therapist for that. She said I need to have radical acceptance – my body is what it is. I will never be thin – especially with my very necessary medications – and that’s not my fault. That sort of acceptance is a hard pill to swallow, but strangely, also a relief. 

A Double Standard?

I recently noticed something. With the body positivity movement we are seeing more representation of plus-sized women in the media and fashion, but why does it seem men in the media haven’t changed at all? As a woman, I am often given the message, “All shapes and sizes are beautiful”, but I never see that applied to men. Even the mannequins in Target display plus-sized clothing in the women’s section, but I’m not seeing the same across the aisle in the men’s section. 

Are people now more accepting of larger women than larger men?

I brought this to my husband’s attention and he said men don’t care that much about how their bodies look. Is that true? I know men – loved ones – who were bullied as kids for being fat so you can’t tell me it doesn’t matter.

Obviously, women feel a lot of pressure about their looks, more so than men, but is it possible that the body positivity movement is leaving people out? Seeing women my size in the media really does help me. I think everyone deserves that representation.

My husband and I have ongoing conversations about body image and he always knows what to say to not only challenge me but also encourage me. At least I’m not on this journey alone.

I know this is a really personal question, but how do you feel about your body? Do you care what others think? What was it like when you were young? Does acceptance get easier with age? 

Trusting Others: Gut Feelings, Logical Thinking, and Wishful Thinking

I am currently healing from broken trust which has left me thinking about what trust is and how it works. I have a lot of questions for you and I am eager to read your responses.

I often get gut feelings about people – both good and bad – but I try not to let them interfere with a budding relationship or friendship. My gut feeling is sometimes right, but often wrong. Should a person really trust their gut? I’ve always felt like I need more information – even if it leaves me guarded. I try to push through it – especially if it’s someone I can’t avoid. Are gut feelings irrational, biased, or even an innate instinct? 

Do you trust your gut? Does it tell you the truth?

While I sometimes ignore gut feelings, logical thinking takes over. I can keep a mental tally of the good and the bad and weigh my options. But the worst part is when wishful thinking steps in – when I want someone to be a good person so badly that I will look past numerous red flags. That’s when you get burned.

When I ignore red flags it’s often to keep the peace. I know there’s no formula for trust, but how many chances should you give someone? Where do you draw the line? What’s a forgivable mistake vs. blatant disrespect?

I am a trusting person and I usually give people a chance, but I feel it is much easier to see when someone breaks your trust than when they gain it. Gaining trust takes time while losing trust can happen in an instant.

If you’re trusting, open, and vulnerable – if you’re willing to let people in – does that make you prey? Will you become a victim? How do you protect yourself?

When a loved one trusts someone they shouldn’t – do you say something or step away?

On the flip side, am I trustworthy? How do I show someone that I’m trustworthy? I feel being honest and open has helped me in relationships. I’m often willing to share my story and hope others will reciprocate. Keep promises. Be reliable and available. 

Are people giving me a fair chance? On occasion, I doubt it because of the stigma surrounding my mental illness, but I try so hard to prove myself. Regardless, I have a lot of good people in my life.

Do you have to know someone on a somewhat personal level to trust them? Does personality play a role? Do any personal prejudices become a factor? Does the way a person looks make them more or less trustworthy? Unfortunately, I’m going to say yes to all of those. I see it in my own life. Deep down, I know it should be a person’s words and actions that make them trustworthy, but sometimes that’s just not the case. Sometimes you have to work really hard to look past irrelevant factors.

Here’s a touchy subject – how do you know if you can trust someone with your children? The list of people I’ll let watch my daughter is pretty short. Trusting people with children gives me a lot of anxiety. Do you have criteria for trusting a person with your child? My daughter plays with the girl next door a lot, and even her going over to the neighbor’s house makes me nervous. Sure, my husband and I talk to our neighbors here and there, but do we really know them? I feel like every time I take my daughter somewhere I am taking a chance with the people around us. When do you let go?

How do you know you can trust your children with different responsibilities or even with being left home alone? I learned a couple of weeks ago in a training given by our local children’s services that there is no set age to legally leave a child home alone in our state. It is completely at the discretion of the caregiver regarding the maturity of the child. I remember being home alone a lot when I was younger, but that was in a rural area in the nineties – it was more accepted to leave your children home alone at a younger age. My daughter’s daycare accepts children up to twelve years old. I certainly didn’t go to daycare that long but my daughter most likely will. 

And of course, the one that always pisses me off – why do people assume that because they’re Christian people should view them as trustworthy? Honestly, anymore it just makes me run in the opposite direction. I once had an auto mechanic tell me that he was a “god-fearing” man just before he really screwed me over. I’m sure we all have stories like that.

How do you see the good in people while still being cautious? That’s the question I want to be answered more than any of the others. Each time someone breaks your trust it knocks you down a notch making it harder to trust others in the future. However, if I don’t give people a chance I will miss out on relationships, opportunities, and experiences. What am I teaching my daughter at that point?

I am so curious to read your thoughts on trust. What does trust look like to you?

If psychic powers were a thing, would you want them?

This is just a silly thought that popped into my mind today.

This morning I was laying in bed thinking about my paintings. I currently have seventeen paintings for sale at a local consignment shop and many more stored at home. I got a little flutter in my belly wondering if any of them have sold. I’m a very nervous and impatient person and I can’t stand not knowing. I have to pick up any unsold paintings on June sixth.

I wish I had the ability to know how my paintings will do, but if I did, would that have prevented me from showing the shop owner my paintings in the first place?

Would I want psychic powers? Maybe. 

Writing submissions feel the same as selling my artwork. I hate waiting. I just want to know. If I knew, I could focus my efforts on submissions where I know I’ll be successful.

I think there would be a downside to psychic powers. Late last year my family was at my husband’s grandpa’s house. His grandpa was in his nineties and usually very quiet, but at this visit, he was very talkative. He told us all about his experience in the Korean War. He was passionate and I felt closer to him for sharing.

After we left, I told my husband I was worried about his grandpa. Both of my grandpas were in World War II and it felt like they relived the war right before they died. They were willing to share things they weren’t before – just like my husband’s grandpa. 

I really didn’t know what was going to happen, but his grandpa died shortly after. I don’t know if anyone was freaked out by what I said, but I definitely felt shitty for saying it.

In that example, I would definitely not want psychic powers. What I said about my husband’s grandpa was not from a psychic ability – it was simply from past experience. Either way, it definitely felt like a punch in the gut.

Would you want to know how and when you’ll die? For me, no way. I’ll just say surprise me on that one.

So what do you think? Would you want psychic powers? How would you use them? Would you find a way to help others or would you keep your abilities to yourself?