How do you feel about where you grew up?

I can’t believe I’m even writing this.

I grew up in a conservative rural area in Ohio and I spent most of my childhood counting down the days until I could leave. It’s not a friendly place for atheists or for anyone even the slightest bit different. I never fit in even though my family has lived in the area for generations. 

After graduating high school, I left for college in the Cleveland area. It wasn’t a huge shock living in an urban area for the first time, although people would pick on me for my little country accent. My friends called me “fresh off the farm”. Still, I thought it was really exciting. I was convinced that I was made to live in the city.

I’ve moved around a bit since then – even spending some time in Los Angeles. 

Ten years ago my husband and I moved to Toledo, a medium-sized city just forty minutes from where I grew up. We live in the middle of the city – no suburbs for us – and for the most part, it’s been a great place to live. I’m happy to be raising my daughter here.

Lately, however, I have been thinking about home – fondly for once. My childhood in the country was actually a lot of fun. My sister and I had a lot of freedom and every day felt like an adventure. 

I never regretted leaving, but now I wonder, was it really that bad? Times have changed; maybe it’s better now. 

Since leaving a new highway was built making Toledo a lot more accessible to the outlying rural area. Not to mention advances in technology making it possible to work from anywhere. I’m sure that opened up a lot of doors for people back home. 

But here’s the big question – have the attitudes of the people changed back home? Could it ever be a welcoming community?

Maybe it’s all the country music I’ve been listening to lately but it’s nice to think about home in a positive light after years of resentment. Maybe this just comes with age?

I sometimes get the itch to explore new places, but for now, Toledo is home.

Can you guys relate? What was it like where you grew up? Do you look at it differently now than when you were a kid? 

There’s good and evil in all of us. Do you know what you’re truly capable of?

There are two people who have entered my life in the last several years who I am genuinely afraid of. The first was a client who abused me at work. I felt uneasy about this client from the very beginning and voiced my concerns numerous times. The abuse went on for eleven months before this client was finally kicked out of the program. I thought I would feel better once they were gone but I didn’t. I was diagnosed with PTSD and went through months of therapy.

A few years have passed and I’m doing much better now.

The second person was more recent – a person close to the family. I had my guard up because I had known for a while that this person lacked empathy and can be pretty selfish. I didn’t want them around but I felt I didn’t have a choice. After months of being disrespectful, they finally lashed out at me in a very cruel way. 

But it turns out I do have a choice. I chose distance. These people are no longer a part of my life. I am finally protecting myself and putting my well-being first. 

Yes, I’m scared, but these experiences also left me confused. Why did they act like that? Do they think it’s okay to act like that? They revealed their true colors and I wonder what else are they capable of. 

True Crime TV

This past winter I watched a lot of true crime documentaries. I think it’s absolutely fascinating and clever how detectives solve murders and other violent crimes. The shows all seem to start the same – “they were a normal family from a quiet community…”

Normal family from a quiet community? I’ve never been a victim of violent crime and I don’t know anyone who has been a victim either, but you can’t deny that it’s a possibility for all of us.

These shows leave me with the same confusion I felt from the two people I mentioned above – Why did they do that? Do they think it’s okay to do that?

If these are just normal people, how do they end up in these situations? This brings me to my next cringe-worthy question…

What am I capable of?

I know what it feels like to snap or be unhinged, but in those few desperate moments I never even thought about turning to violence. In those instances, I tend to turn inward. I think it would be far more likely that I would hurt myself rather than someone else. 

But at some level, are we all capable of violence? Or does it take a certain person to carry out violent acts?

I definitely have my guard up a lot more than when I was younger – especially with the abuse and malice I’ve experienced in the last several years. I’m weary of meeting new people and worry about who my daughter comes in contact with. You just never know what people are capable of.

Sorry for being so dark. I just think it’s an interesting topic.

However, I started this post with “there’s good and evil in all of us”. Usually, when I publish a post like this there are some positive and optimistic comments so I’m going to take your advice and focus on the good. What good am I capable of? What good are others capable of?

So what do you think? Have you ever met a person that left you afraid and confused? How do you protect yourself? And on the flip side, what are you capable of?

My coworker wants to tell me about her higher power. Should I welcome the conversation?

The other day I had a coworker tell me that once she gets to know me better she wants to tell me how her higher power changed her life. How do I respond?

I really like this coworker. We’ve really connected recently and although we’ve never spent time together outside of work, I think we could become good friends. 

But we’re definitely an unlikely pair.

She’s Christian and everybody knows it. She’s proud of her faith and is pretty vocal about it – even on the clock.

I don’t think she knows I’m an atheist. I told her I don’t go to church and that’s as far as I got.

So if this conversation about her “higher power” takes place, can I tell her why I’m an atheist? It seems only fair but I’m extremely skeptical. I feel like a conversation like this could either leave me feeling liberated or feeling ostracized. 

Deep down, I really want someone I can be open with. 

I really think this coworker is an awesome person which has made it easier for me to overlook our differences. She’s very resilient and her heart is in the right place.

Have you ever been in this situation? Would you welcome a conversation like this or avoid it? How should I respond? Please keep in mind that I live in a red state in the Midwest and I have to work with this coworker every week.

Where Lies My Empathy — Animals vs. Humans

I spend a lot of time watching true crime documentaries. Out of all the outrageous, horrible, violent stories I’ve heard about humans, it bothers me more when an animal gets hurt.

Does anyone else feel this way?

A few days ago I was watching a show where an alpaca was attacked. While they didn’t actually show the attack you could hear the alpaca crying out in pain. It was the most disturbing thing I’ve experienced in a long time. I keep hearing the alpaca’s cry in my head and found it necessary to cuddle with an alpaca plushie I bought a few years ago. My throat just stays in my stomach.

The true crime documentaries never made me do that. 

Am I sensitive about animals? Desensitized to human suffering? Both?

I am an animal person. As I write this, five of our eight cats are enjoying their new gigantic kitty condo. But even if my house wasn’t ruled by a small army of cats, I think I would still feel the same way.

Humans are capable of evil whereas animals are innocent and just trying to survive. I think that’s why it bothers me so much.

I am a sensitive and emotional person in general. I cry a lot when I watch TV. I just thought it was interesting how the alpaca had such an emotional impact on me – more so than other stories involving people.

Can anyone relate?

Are you intense like me? Is that good or bad?

My husband describes me as intense – and he’s absolutely right. That’s exactly how I feel most of the time. It can be unnerving and I don’t know if it’s worse for me or the people around me. But despite the emotional war in my head, I try my best to be pleasant and polite – after all, I’m still a Midwesterner. 

I think my intensity stems from a lot of things – my mental illness, my personality, past experiences, etc. However, I can’t think of one singular event that left me feeling this way. In fact, I don’t ever remember not feeling this way.

Did this get worse with age? Maybe. Everything became more intense when I became a parent. I love my playful, spunky little girl, but motherhood came with a million new things to be anxious about as well as a few crippling bouts of depression. I find relief in knowing I am not alone in this. For once in my life, I’m not the odd one out because I’m sure many other parents feel the same way.

Even though I experience overwhelming highs and lows, I don’t always see it as a bad thing. I’m a very passionate person. When I’m interested in something, I grab ahold and give it two thousand percent. I’m organized, driven, and ambitious and I will just run with it. I’m proud of my accomplishments – accomplishments that probably would have never happened if I wasn’t this intense. 

I don’t mean to be dramatic but that seems to be how my brain interprets everything. Some days I wish I could turn it off or at least down a couple of notches, but I can’t. I feel fragile and anticipate that whatever happens next is going to break me.

Then again, some days I really see the positive aspects of my intensity. I accept it and wouldn’t change it — maybe even view it as a strength. I want everyone to feel my intensity through my art and writing. I think if you took it away I would be pretty boring. It’s just a part of me and I wouldn’t be the same without it. 

Can anyone relate? How do your loved ones describe you? If your highs and lows were amplified, would you find a way to use them to your benefit? If you have a mental illness like me, how do you separate your illness from your personality? Do you have the magical ability to relax?

The Value of an Education

When I was younger, I went to a university but dropped out due to mental health struggles. I never finished my degree and it was a sore subject for a very long time. I wanted to go to college so badly so when it didn’t work out, I felt like a complete failure. 

In my early thirties, my mental health was a little more stable and I enrolled in a community college. I eventually graduated with an associate’s degree in commercial art. I was never really great at school but the commercial art program was very hands-on; everything I learned was very practical and I actually did really well. I enjoyed my time there. 

But it still wasn’t a four-year degree.

For the longest time, I said one day I’ll go back – even as I got older. That would be nearly impossible with the amount of student loan debt I have, not to mention my other responsibilities – taking care of my daughter and paying bills. Still, I wanted to go back to college…one day.

But something’s changed. For the past few years, I have been able to pursue the things I love – art and writing. I also have a part-time job working in the arts and mental health. It’s perfect. It is right where I need to be, and for once, I don’t want to go back to school. I’m happy where I am.

When I think about college now, I don’t think it would be worth the money. I’ve gotten lots of opportunities without it and I’m fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong – I would be very proud had I finished a degree when I was younger, but it doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore. Is that wrong?

I’m not going to lie – sometimes I feel guilty for not wanting to go back to school. It was something that was expected of me and I didn’t follow through. Shouldn’t I want to finish? Obviously, it’s not impossible or unheard of for someone in their forties to return to college; I just don’t want to. It’s no longer important to me. 

I certainly don’t regret the time I spent at the university. I found a few classes really interesting and some of the things I learned have really stuck with me, but I wonder if I could’ve gotten the same experience elsewhere. Was it really worth the boatload of debt I’m in now?

Can anyone relate? Is a degree really worth it? No matter what path you took in education, if you could go back in time, would you do the same thing? Is there a better way?

Most jobs that actually pay a livable wage require a four-year degree, but if that wasn’t the case, would a college education really be worth it? In many ways, we pay a hefty price to go to school, would a degree still have value? What about the value of the college experience? Maybe it’s a rite of passage that needs to be challenged. 

LGBTQA+ readers, I need advice. Are you ever too young to come out?

I debated on whether or not I should write this post because I want to protect my daughter’s privacy, but after discussing it with my husband, we thought maybe this would be a good place to go for advice. This might even be a chance to help out other parents as well. I never use my daughter’s name and I will keep it vague.

The other night while relaxing in the living room, my six-year-old told my husband and me that she’s gay and has a crush on a girl in her class. She was very calm and matter-of-fact. It took me by surprise and my first reaction was that she’s so young so I shouldn’t take it too seriously. 

But when I thought about it, there has never been a time in my life when I didn’t know that I was a hetero-cis female – even when I was little. In elementary school, I had crushes on boys in my class, older boys, male teachers, famous actors, etc. There was no doubt in my mind that I was straight, so maybe even at her young age, she is certain about who she is. I decided I will take it seriously and hope she continues to feel comfortable talking about it with us. We tried not to make a huge deal about it but we made sure she knows we will always accept her for who she is and will love her no matter what.

It’s kinda sweet because we have been hearing about the little girl she has a crush on for quite a while. She even refers to her as her girlfriend. When she called her her girlfriend in the past I just wasn’t sure if she meant a girl that’s a friend or someone she was attracted to.

I grew up out in the country and so many of my younger friends and family had a difficult time coming to terms with their sexuality in such a conservative area. It affected them well into adulthood. Times have definitely changed since I was a child and I’m also really glad that we are raising our daughter in the city, but will it be enough to keep her safe?

I am also concerned about how older relatives might treat her.

To my LGBTQA+ readers, how old were you when you came out? How did you feel as a young child? I’d love to hear from other parents. Do you have suggestions on how I can support my daughter? She’s so young – how can I make sure she feels safe?

Is there an atheist culture defining our beliefs?

I have a lot of questions – hear me out.

“Atheist” means having a lack of belief in a god or gods. It’s a pretty simple, cut-and-dry definition. So no gods – but what about other beliefs? The possibilities are truly endless but I feel like maybe there are some unwritten rules. Can we truly believe in anything as long as it isn’t god?

What if I said I believed in spirits or souls? Would you have something to say about it? I don’t by the way, but could that belief still be a possibility for an atheist?

I have published several posts about spirituality as well as the paranormal. The posts and comments have really helped me explore my own beliefs and values. 

I wrote about spirituality after discussing the topic with my therapist. It seemed like many people could agree that you can be an atheist and also spiritual. I found the comments to be thought-provoking and it made me wonder what really defines an atheist. Is there a culture that goes beyond that basic definition?

As I’ve said in other posts, I am absolutely fascinated with the paranormal although I recognize there is very little evidence to back up the existence of ghosts, bigfoot, aliens, etc. But I still think there’s something to it – probably not what people think. Hopefully one day there will be an explanation for all of these things and I hope I’m around to see it. 

But if I did believe in aliens, would that make me a bad atheist? When you’re an atheist, does everything have to have evidence?

Is faith a thing?

Do you believe in destiny? How about karma? Do you ever think things are “meant to be”? Have you found your soulmate? Do you wish people good luck?

What keeps atheists from believing in these things?

Our culture may go beyond beliefs, like how many atheist Republicans are there? That’s still a possibility, right?

How do you view religion? Do you fight it or let it be? Discuss it or avoid it? I tend to avoid it but that’s just because I’m from a conservative area. It’s easy to feel ostracized here so I let it be even when I’m screaming on the inside.

I could probably ask these same questions about any social issue.

Could an atheist culture contribute to stereotypes and misconceptions? Have you seen that at all?

So we don’t believe in a god or gods, but is there anything else that defines an atheist? Is there an atheist culture and is that good or bad?

Judged By Others: I’m Learning How Not to Care

I have eight cats. Last May, Sasha, my little siamese kitty, had five kittens, and we had trouble finding homes for all of them. When the kittens were eight weeks old, we started asking around and posting pictures on Facebook to see if any of our friends wanted a kitten. Only one kitten got a new home. After a few more weeks I contacted the local no-kill shelters and they were all full – there was nowhere to take these kittens. We decided to keep them and I was actually worried about what people might think. I mean, eight cats in our tiny house?

You know what? Fuck ‘em! Months have passed and I absolutely love having eight cats! The thing is – when I contacted the shelters, the kittens were already a part of our family. We had named them. We cuddled and played with them every day and we were starting to see their different personalities. 

We spend a shit ton of money on cat food and we are constantly cleaning littler boxes, but I don’t care what people think. Our kitties are family and it’s worth it. 

That’s just one small example of how I’ve felt judged, but it goes a bit deeper.

I’ve realized that most of the judgment I’ve felt in life has come from my family – I’m sure this is true for many people. My family has always cared about keeping up appearances which has had a detrimental effect on my mental health.

Recovery has been the main theme in my life for almost twenty years now. I have schizoaffective disorder as well as an eating disorder which has required ongoing treatment. In a way, I wanted to be the model patient. I take my meds every day. I work. I went to community college. I’m a wife and mom. To most people, my life probably seems pretty normal. 

I wanted the perfect recovery. I wouldn’t allow myself to struggle because I was afraid of what people would think – especially my family – but anyone who has been in recovery knows that struggling, setbacks, and relapses are all a part of the process. I know this now. After spending two months at a treatment center last year, I can finally be honest with myself and everyone else about how I am really doing.

That brought about a lot of change in my life. My relationships have been redefined. 

The arts have always been a part of my recovery, and I’ve seen a shift in my work. I can be more authentic and celebrate being different. My mental illness is a part of my life and I don’t have to be normal – I just need to be myself. 

I am learning to not care what others think – I’m learning to just be. I don’t have to prove anything because I am enough. I want to feel comfortable just being myself and I want to help others to feel the same. 

I hope I can model these lessons for my daughter.

Can anyone relate? Was there ever a time when you felt a turning point and stopped caring what others think? 

Are there any other atheists that have a hard time with science? Just me?

I’ll explain. I was not the best at school. If a class required essays, I’d pass with flying colors but everything else was questionable. This was especially true with math and science. I don’t know if this was a left-brain vs. right-brain thing but I do know lots of tears were shed – in both high school and college. School was tough. I finally graduated from a community college in my thirties and I don’t plan on pursuing anything higher.

School has long been over for me but that doesn’t necessarily mean my struggles with math and science are in the past. It does come up from time to time and it makes me feel like I’m lacking very basic knowledge that people should have. My husband is very interested in science and there have been so many conversations that have gone over my head.

The One Exception

I don’t even feel interested in science, but there is one exception – I’m really fascinated with weather. Living in Northwest Ohio is a great place to be interested in weather. We have four distinct seasons and we’re on the northern end of Hoosier Alley. I wanted to be a storm chaser when I was little.

When I was in college, I was so excited to see a weather and climate class offered. Could this be the science class I actually pass? I couldn’t wait! Unfortunately, the excitement died when we looked at PowerPoint slides every single class – nothing else. How can you make something I was actually fascinated by so boring? The professor even gave us assigned seats. Boy, did I regret sitting front and center that first day. The class was held in an older building that didn’t have air conditioning and this was during fall semester when it was still quite warm. I fell asleep every class. I don’t remember what grade I got or even if I made it through the semester.

Needless to say, the class was a huge disappointment for me. I thought maybe it would spark some kind of interest or a tiny bit of understanding of science but it completely fizzled out. I’m still interested in weather, but mainly the sexy weatherman on the local news. (I really like nerds.)

What does this have to do with being an atheist?

It just seems like so many atheists are interested in science. It’s something I really just don’t get but I wish I did. For me, I never had to understand science to be an atheist. When I decided to become an atheist it was just common sense – because god doesn’t make sense.

Also, just because I don’t understand science doesn’t mean I deny science. I trust experts – scientists, doctors, etc. One aspect of my life where this can truly be seen is my medication. I trust my doctor. I don’t understand how medication works, but I’m so glad that it does. I definitely thank science – not god.

 

My daughter is in the first grade and I know a day will come when I won’t be able to help her with her math and science homework – probably sooner than I think. It’s going to be embarrassing, I’m sure. I just hope she has an easier time with school than I did.

Are there any other atheists that have a hard time with science?

Was there something you just didn’t understand in school? Does it bother you now? I’d like some reassuring stories. I can’t be alone in this.