Update: When It Works So Well Until It Doesn’t

I apologize for my absence.

I have been on lithium for years and years to treat my schizoaffective disorder, but it may have negatively impacted my kidney functioning so I had to stop taking it. Lithium was probably the medication I depended on the most, and while my doctor is working hard to find something to replace it, I’m not going to lie – I’m pretty scared to go without it. All I’ve been doing for the last few weeks is lying around the house and going to doctor’s appointments, and I really, really hate it. I just have to keep telling myself that this isn’t for forever. I think through this experience I’ve developed a healthy respect for my medications because while all of my medications help me and give me a somewhat normal life, I am still putting chemicals in my body, which can have some nasty effects. I will not stop taking my medications – I know I need them – but I never want to go through this again.

I’m trying to get back in the swing of things by submitting my art to a gallery in Cleveland later this week. It might just be the motivation I need.

I will be posting again soon. Thank you for all of your support.

How do you show empathy to someone who has wronged you?

How do you go from viewing someone as malicious to seeing them as a person in pain?

How do you move past anger?

This is more for me than them.

I want to be able to walk away from people and situations in my life and feel peace. I don’t want to hate anyone for the damage they’ve caused because they are in just as much pain as I am.

How someone treats others directly reflects how they feel about themselves – the whole “hurt people hurt people” thing. But that’s hard to keep in mind when you’re on the receiving end of mistreatment.

How do you protect yourself and keep moving forward when you are also a hurt person?

An even better question – As a hurt person, how do you prevent hurting others in the way you were hurt?

Giving myself distance has done wonders for my growth and recovery, but is it really to right answer? On the other hand, how much is a person expected to tolerate? I hate the phrase “keep the peace” because usually, that’s not peaceful for anyone.

It’s a tough realization to see that you have so much in common with the person who wronged you.

I don’t want to be like them. It’s really motivation to take care of myself, be present, appreciate the supportive people in my life, and respect the world around me. I’m trying my best and I wish the same for them.

Through therapy, I am learning to become a more empathetic and introspective person, and this blog has been a part of my growth. I always appreciate your support and feedback. I learn so much from you and I feel a sense of validation knowing others can relate. I often feel powerless, but here I have a voice.

Coming from a red state in the Midwest, Freethought Blogs is the only place where I am surrounded by like-minded people – even if it is just online.

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your stories. Can you relate? Have you been in a similar situation?


Also, I am dealing with some mental health issues and medication changes right now, so if I take a little break or post something weird, that’s what’s going on.




Rejected before first contact –
I remain in my own world
isolated by choice.


My brain is swimming
in muck and confusion –
vulnerable words to a fault.

I don’t live in stability
but rather a fleeting reality.
My comfort wanes
as opportunities tick by.

Seasons change
when I’m willing to venture out
but most days, my fear holds me back.


Ridicule doesn’t exist
if I don’t open my mouth –
a fortress of lipstick and secrets.

My smile is my armor
and every day is a battle.
I don’t want to be a soldier
but this is a fight for survival.

Shots fired.
Confidence gone.

Do you think you’ll ever “come around”?

Tonight I went to the store with my husband and daughter, and while my husband was waiting for his allergy medication, I was running up and down the aisles with my daughter. There weren’t many people in the store and we were having a lot of fun. An older lady noticed us and asked about my daughter. She said she looked a lot like me and asked if she was my only child. I realize this is the Midwest and strangers talk to each other here, but I’m not really one for small talk. I answered her questions and then joined my husband in another aisle. 

We went to check out and the lady was ahead of us in line. She looked at me and asked me what church we go to. Oh man, here we go. Unfortunately, asking someone what church they go to seems to be common small talk around here. Personally, I feel it’s an intrusive question. I told her we don’t go to church and nervously waited for her response. She said, “I used to feel that way, too.” I felt she was a little condescending but thankfully she dropped the subject.

Why do people assume one day you’ll “come around”? 

This made me think of an ex-boyfriend’s father who said, “If you’re not a Democrat by 20 you have no heart; and if you’re not a Republican by 40, you have no brain.” 

Just for the record, I’m 40 and I am not a Republican. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

Once again, we’re expected to “come around”. Is there something magical about getting older that makes you want to conform? 

Back to the church thing, do people ask you what church you go to? What’s your response? Do you feel it’s an intrusive question? 

Also, do you feel more pressure to conform as you get older? Unfortunately, the Boomers in my family are concerned about keeping up appearances, so I feel there is pressure there. I’m not saying all Boomers are like that, but I can definitely see generational differences.

Do people assume you’ll come around? I can understand older people turning to god because they’re afraid of death, but it still seems so strange to me. Can a fear of mortality make you lose common sense?

Where do you get your news from?

A few days ago, my daughter asked me who my favorite YouTuber was when I was little. I told her that not only did we not have YouTube, we didn’t even have the internet. She just couldn’t comprehend. 

But now we do have the internet, and there are a million places to take in information.

Does anyone still watch the evening news? I did for a while but it was mainly for the cute weatherman. Since then, my husband and I have gotten rid of cable TV altogether. We just don’t need it.

So where do you get your news from?

The other day I was watching Good Morning America on Hulu. Well, I wasn’t really watching it; it was more for background noise while I was cleaning. My husband came home, looked at the TV, and said it sounded like one big advertisement. He’s totally right.

My husband hates anything that smells like capitalism. I agree with him although I’m not as passionate as he is.

My husband listens to a podcast called Breaking Points. That’s where he gets his news.

I think I mainly get news from social media, and I now get the weather forecast from an app on my phone. Sorry, cute weatherman.

I’m really curious; Where do you get your news from? Is it trustworthy? Reliable? How do you know? Give me some new websites and podcasts to check out.

Is ambition caused by a fear of mortality?

Why do I pursue the things that I do?

I have really grown as an artist and writer, but my projects are a double-edged sword. While I want to get a lot accomplished, I also get overwhelmed very easily. I’d like to blame my mental illness, but I know that it can happen to anyone. I’ve always taken a lot on regardless of the inevitable consequences.

But why? You can strip me of my projects and accomplishments and I’m still a complete person. 

I’ve always found being an atheist to be motivating. If you only get this one life, you don’t want to miss out, right? Turn your dreams into goals and do as much as you can.

If that’s my attitude, does that mean I’m scared of dying?

As humans, we are insignificant in the universe, but I think it’s human nature to want to be remembered. Will my words live on after I die – even if it’s just to a few people?

My mom died when I was a little girl. She was an artist and I have her paintings all over our house. The paintings are fascinating to me because they show her growth. Some of the paintings were done when she was in high school and college and some were completed later in her career. I was too young to remember my mom after she died, but seeing her paintings every day reminds me that she was still a part of my life. 

When I think of my projects, I am for the most part proud of the final product. However, the actual process of completing a project is really difficult for me because I’m a very impatient person. Which do I enjoy more, the accomplishments or the process? Which is more important?

Why do you pursue the things you do? Sure, we all have things we enjoy, but when you take it to the next level, is there another motive behind the ambition?

Are you doing anything to be remembered after you die? Do you feel a need to be remembered?

How do you remember your loved ones? Are there items you’re holding onto?

Sorry for the somewhat morbid post, but I think it’s really fascinating to figure out what makes us tick – even if you’re just exploring your own motives.

Weight: A Poem from My Book “Unsettled”


I take up space
because I’m allowed to.

My place in this universe
is forgiving, soft, and flexible.

The outside doesn’t always match the inside;
but what if it did?

What’s wrong with the outside?
I’m larger than life with a body and mind that’s thriving.

Head up. Chin up.
My defiance brings me home.

My curves are gorgeous,
my freedom is mine,

and I relinquish the weight of your words.

Physical Pain and a Wake-Up Call

This post is about my physical health, however, I am going to keep my issues vague because I am not a medical professional. I am not qualified to give advice. I’m just curious if you’ve had a similar experience.

A few weeks ago, I was having a lot of pain in my knee and my coworkers noticed I was limping around the office. My boss said I looked distressed and asked me if I was okay. I ended up calling off work a couple of days before finally going to the doctor. 

I did receive a diagnosis but unfortunately, because of other health issues, I am unable to take pain medication. I didn’t know that. I knew I had a few small problems physically, but maybe they weren’t as small as I thought.

This was a wake-up call.

After thirty years of an eating disorder and twenty years of psych meds, it’s probably no surprise that I have a few health issues. The line between physical health and mental health has blurred – they’re intertwined and now both require my attention. 

Could it be that after forty years on this planet, I’m finally going to take care of myself?

My concern about my knee bled into other areas of my life. I am taking doctor appointments more seriously. I’m doing well at work and I appreciate my coworkers’ concern and support. I’m also addressing issues in therapy I’ve never talked about before. I am actively recovering from a destructive youth and toxic people while also healing my body.

Older and wiser? Maybe. A little scared? Probably. 

This may sound weird, but having knee pain – while it sucked at the time – may have had a good effect. I learned more about my body and looked at my health as a whole. Also, if this hadn’t happened I still wouldn’t know that I couldn’t take pain meds. Now I can prevent further damage to my body.

My knee pain has subsided and I’ve really thrived in the last few weeks. I hope it continues, but if it doesn’t, I know to ask for help.

I would love to hear your stories. Have you ever had a wake-up call? What moves you to take care of yourself?

Aliens vs. God: Who explains the unexplained?

I have had a fascination with UFOs and aliens for a long time. This fascination tends to surface when I am a little inebriated at which time I lay around and watch extraterrestrial documentaries. Don’t judge. It’s kinda fun.

Do you see any similarities between aliens and god? Hear me out. I think aliens are used to explain the unexplained almost as much as god. God works in mysterious ways, but apparently, so do aliens. 

I’ve often heard aliens are responsible for our ancestors’ impressive ancient monuments like Stonehenge and the pyramids in Egypt. Sure, these monuments were created with precision – incredible feats that we don’t always understand and would have required an incredible amount of manpower. We don’t know just how they were made, but if ancient people were alive today, don’t you think they’d be a little insulted that we didn’t think they were capable on their own? I would be.

Have you heard about technology being created by reverse engineering of alien space crafts? (Maybe I’ve watched too many of these documentaries.) Again, are we not capable as humans to develop our own technology? 

Things are sometimes fuzzy. There’s a lot we don’t understand, but that doesn’t mean we explain the unexplained with god or aliens. Let’s give credit where credit’s due. It’s okay if our ancestors had some secrets. As humans, we are capable of amazing things. 

Are aliens real? I don’t know. Is god real? Nope. But sometimes we just have to sit with the uncertainty.


Do you watch UFO documentaries? Are you sober when you do it? What do you think about aliens? Do you think they’ve visited or influenced humans?

What’s popular today that will be considered unsafe in the future?

When I was a little girl I loved spending time on my grandparent’s farm. My grandma always called the refrigerator the “icebox”. I thought it was a little strange and didn’t understand what it meant. I know now that it was just a habit since she probably had an actual icebox growing up. Can you imagine a time before refrigeration? When I think about it, having known someone who had an icebox at one time in their life makes me feel like it really wasn’t that long ago.

What about smoking? I really don’t know many people who smoke nowadays, but I know there was a time when it was popular. That was probably before my time – but not too far. I remember playing with and eating candy cigarettes when I was a kid. That probably wouldn’t fly today. 

Here’s a scarier thought; I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my 20s and still take medication daily. Thanks to medicine I live a somewhat normal life. Had I lived a hundred years ago I would’ve been put in an asylum. I couldn’t imagine that life. It sounds barbaric to me, but will there be a time in the future when people will view my current treatment as barbaric? I have experienced some pretty nasty side effects from my medications but I tolerate it because I want to work and raise my daughter – I want to have a life. Maybe in the future patients won’t have to deal with that.

I’m not young but I’m not old either, and I’ve seen a lot of changes just in my lifetime.

I want to know your predictions for the future. What advancements do you think we’ll see? What are we doing today that will be deemed unsafe or ineffective in the future? Will anything that’s popular now be considered inhumane?

My husband’s prediction is cell phones and capitalism. I’m thinking of changes to our food and medicine, but maybe that one’s too obvious. What’s your prediction?