I’m really not a “people person”. Anyone else?

Last weekend my family went to the local science museum, and it was super crowded. In fact, it’s been packed every single time we’ve been there. We have a family membership and my daughter loves the place. I hate going there because crowds make me incredibly nervous.

But I go. I have a lot of anxiety when we go out in public or in social situations, but I do it for my daughter. I don’t want her to miss out. It’s so hard to be a parent with anxiety because I want my daughter to experience lots of different things. My anxiety hinders me, but I’m doing my best to not let it affect my daughter. 

But honestly, some days I don’t even want to leave the house.

Even the grocery store is difficult. I prefer to go in the middle of the week at night when no one’s there, but unfortunately, we always end up going on Friday when we get paid – just like everyone else. Saying money’s tight in the middle of the week is an understatement. 

I won’t even go near Costco on the weekend.

This isn’t limited to crowds. I always feel awkward in my interactions with others. I have a schizophrenic disorder and my medication makes me shake – I just feel like everyone knows. My mental illness has never been a secret, but I also don’t want it to be the first thing people think of when they see me.

In summary, I am not a people person. I don’t have much of a point to this post other than to find people to commiserate with. Now that I’m done bitching, can anyone relate? People with little ones — how do you ensure your child experiences as much as possible when you’re just a big ball of nerves?

My daughter at the science museum.

I “fired back” to the god talk around the office!

I want to tell you guys something kind of fun…

I have a lot of religious coworkers and they’re pretty vocal about it. I hear lots of comments about god and Jesus around the office – some said directly to me. I don’t really respond but I do smile and nod because I’m scared. Their conversations are incredibly intimidating and I constantly feel ostracized. 

A couple of weeks ago I bought a new hoodie. I absolutely love it. It has a really cool graphic of an astronaut on it and it says “in science we trust”. I decided to be brave and wear it to work. (I’m the “crazy art teacher” and most of the time I have paint on me so I don’t have to dress up – no business casual for me!) I’ve worn it to work twice so far. I was expecting dirty looks and nasty comments but nada! If they’re thinking bad things they have kept it to themselves. Not only that, I have received a couple of compliments – one from a guy in upper management! Can this really be true?

Here’s a thought — are there other atheists at work? Are they as uncomfortable as I am?

I believe this stunt was a little of my rebellious side coming out. I was feeling really pissed about their god talk so I guess I wanted to fire back – but subtly. 

Success! It’s now my favorite hoodie so I’m going to be wearing it a lot more often!

Being an atheist in the Midwest is difficult and I spend a lot of time feeling uncomfortable but maybe it’s not as bad as it seems? Can I let my guard down a little?

I want to hear from you – especially if you live in the South, Midwest, or anywhere conservative. Have you had similar experiences? How have you “fired back”? 

Is there a difference between a deity and a higher power?

Please help settle a score – my husband and I were having a debate over dinner at Denny’s.

Is there a difference between a deity and a higher power? My husband says no. I say yes.

When I Googled “meaning of higher power” there were some conflicting definitions. The first definition was pretty straightforward – “a god or divine being”. One point for my husband.

Then there was this definition: 

At its core, a higher power is something that you believe is controlling the universe. It could be nature, the sun or moon, or you can even say the universe, itself. The key is that whatever you choose should be special and mean something personal to you. In the simplest terms, it’s a power greater than yourself.

Is that a point for me?

If there’s a difference between a deity and a higher power, does that mean an atheist can believe in a higher power?

I’m really curious – do any of you believe in a higher power?

My husband doesn’t believe in god but he doesn’t call himself an atheist either. He believes in energy and that all living things are connected. I’m skeptical but in a way it makes sense.

I’m not sure how this deity vs. higher power debate is going to turn out, but it does prove one thing – spirituality can be really messy and confusing. (Probably because most of it is bullshit.)

So tell me what you think – is there a difference between a deity and a higher power, and if there is, can an atheist believe in a higher power?

What’s worth the risk?

I have the best job in the world! I paint and write poetry every day. When my shift ends, I go home and do the same thing. I have envisioned this kind of life for as long as I can remember and now it’s actually real. I am so fortunate to get to do the things I love.

At one of our recent writer’s groups at work, we had the prompt “what’s worth the risk?” I immediately thought of my daughter. She was a high-risk pregnancy due to a medication I take. Here’s the poem I wrote:

 

The Risk in the Storm

A tear-soaked past
and a broken brain
were met with resilience
and an abundance of love.

The idea of you
was met with resistance –
the biggest risk
in the smallest package.

You came into this world
in lightning and thunder.
It was the longest night –
out of the darkness came your light.

You were once a dream out of reach
but now I lift you up
to taste the stars
grounded in my purpose.

Six years of giggles and tears,
six years to the moon and back.
You can fall down but get back up
because I promise my love is for life.

You’re the littlest girl
with the biggest heart
and brightest smile.
Let your storm change your world.

 

Now it’s your turn — what’s worth the risk?

Fundamentally an atheist – but is the rest murky?

If you fear something you don’t believe in, does it mean you believe in it at least a little bit?

I’m mostly referring to my interest in the paranormal. 

Let me start by saying I am 100 percent atheist in that I don’t believe in the existence of any deities. But does being an atheist have to dictate other beliefs?

When it comes to my interest in the paranormal there’s a lot to unpack. Due to having schizoaffective disorder, I’ve spent much of my life struggling with psychosis. My psychotic symptoms included auditory and visual hallucinations that I referred to as “ghosts”. They left me frightened and confused. 

It was actually after antipsychotic medication successfully curbed my hallucinations in my 20s that I declared myself an atheist – something I consider a huge personal achievement. It was at that point I knew dead people weren’t haunting me. It had been my only tie to spirituality. 

But what if there’s something else? What if there’s another explanation for ghosts? I don’t mean my hallucinations, but things other people have claimed to have experienced. I know not everyone’s crazy.

Every night I go to bed and lay on my side facing the closet. I look at the dark closet and fear someone or something will be peeking back out at me. The fear is in the back of my mind. It’s not enough to keep me from sleeping but sometimes it’s enough for me to roll onto my other side.

What’s even creepier is that the organization I work for is talking about renting space in a very well-known haunted location here in Toledo. Everyone has a creepy story about this place, and quite frankly, I’m a little scared.

If the fear is there, does that mean I believe in it?

I don’t believe in dead people roaming around, but I do believe there’s something to it – something unexplained. 

Most other areas of my life are pretty cut and dry.

Do you ever feel like there’s an area of your life that’s murky? Like you just don’t know enough about it yet?

How do you guys feel about karma? Oh, how I wish karma was real! It makes sense to me that if you’re negative you will attract negativity, but of course, there’s no evidence for karma either. I could see how that could be a murky area for people as well.

How do you guys feel? If you’re an atheist are there beliefs in your life that feel murky or just unexplained? Do you feel being an atheist has to dictate other beliefs than just the nonexistence of deities? I really want to hear your stories and feedback.

Are you fascinated with religion?

Several years ago, a young priest officiated my grandpa’s funeral mass. My grandpa was aware when he was dying and he specifically asked for this priest to do his funeral. My grandpa really liked him. He was from the area – his dad worked in the same factory as my grandpa. He seemed passionate and thoughtful but he was also just awkward and human. Simply put, he seemed like a normal guy and I found that really fascinating. The young priest mentioned he had a Twitter account and after the funeral, I decided to follow him. I thought he would tweet something interesting or thought-provoking but I waited and waited and all he tweeted about was baseball. My curiosity was squashed a bit.

I watch a lot of shows about religion – particularly the downfall of religion. I veg out on the couch and watch programs about cults, polygamy, the Amish, Catholic church scandals, the evils of megachurches, and televangelist conmen. There is no shortage of drama and I can’t look away from the train wreck. I shake my head in disbelief but I also have so many questions.

How do people get involved in these situations? How do people believe in things that are so obviously and completely false?

I’ve also noticed the leaders of these groups share a lot of the same personality traits, especially being charismatic and controlling. Do these leaders think, “I’m going to start a cult”, or does it just happen in a progression or maybe when things get out of hand? How do you convince people you’re a prophet? Do they truly believe they’re a prophet or is it all just an act?

The saddest part is the abuse – especially the sex abuse/crimes. So many of the programs I’ve watched have involved adultery, rape, child brides, and incest. Why is that? Does religion encourage that or is it just an easy excuse?

See! So many questions! I often find myself fascinated with the things that scare me such as boats and ships, trains, tornadoes, and ghosts. Is my fascination with religion along these lines? 

Do you share this interest or fascination?

On a somewhat unrelated note, I have a fantasy of seducing a Catholic priest — so much so that my husband has given me a hall pass for this one. What’s really funny about this is that my mom named me “Megan” after the main character in the Thornbirds. She read the book while she was pregnant with me. If you are unfamiliar with the book or film, it is about a young girl who falls in love with a much older priest. 

Is that weird?

Inner Turmoil: Mean People Suffer, Too

I had a grandmother who could be very judgemental and just downright mean. When she died, I learned more about her life and realized she was miserable. It’s kind of weird how that works out — if you’re miserable, you want to make everyone else miserable, too. Does anyone else see this play out with people in their lives?

I wrote this poem a few days ago about another person close to the family. This person has been absolutely horrible to me — selfish and disrespectful — but unfortunately, I think we share some of the same struggles. It’s really hard to feel empathy for someone who lacks it, but it’s there.

 

Push Me Away

 

You pushed
and pushed
and pushed
and when I broke,
you pointed your finger at me –
a classic case of
villain playing the victim.

You fabricated your facts
to ensure I was gone for good.

You tried to build an image –
a good person
with a good life –
but we saw right through it.

Carry on
with your lies and drama –
I feel your sadness.
If you weren’t miserable,
you wouldn’t treat me this way.

Months of silence
and broken hearts go by.
Despite the damage you’ve caused,
I hope you get the help
that you so desperately need.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself, “feelings are temporary.”

2022 can suck it!

Honestly, I am so ready for this year to be over. I started 2022 in a treatment center for eating disorders, and when I came home, I struggled for quite a while. Family drama added unnecessary stress to my already exhausted brain. These were some pretty big pitfalls but I’m going to focus on the positive.

First, I can’t believe how much I wrote this year. I don’t even know how many journals I filled up. Writing poetry has been particularly therapeutic. I’m trying to branch out by entering writing contests. I haven’t won anything to date but I have learned so much from the experience. Writing about my life seems to have intensified my emotions – which can be good and bad. I want to write something powerful but how do I keep myself from losing my mind in the process? It feels like a delicate balance and I now know when I need to take a break.

Art – my first love. I started painting again in 2022 – something I haven’t done in years. The tremors in my hands have made it difficult to use a paintbrush so I put my fingers directly on the canvas. That’s right – I finger paint. What could have been incredibly frustrating has become enjoyable. It’s a big experiment to see what I can do with my hands. I used to be so serious about my artwork but now I’m just having a lot of fun. I like getting my hands dirty.

When I came home from treatment, my relationships with my husband and daughter strengthened. I was so afraid that going away would tear my family apart, but it has done the exact opposite. I love spending time with them. I am no longer distracted – I am very present in their lives. 

And I’ve learned to cook!

2022 is coming to an end and I will gladly put it in the past. 

What’s your 2022 recap? Do you have any resolutions?

Retreat Inward vs. Escape Outward — how do you spend your time?

I’m very rarely bored. I have tons of books, notebooks, journals, sketchbooks, etc. and I constantly have projects I’m working on. I am quite content to stay at home creating art, expressing myself, and learning new things. 

I am not a people person and interactions with others make me very nervous. I am always self-conscious about my hands. I have muscle tremors from taking lithium so whether I’m anxious or not, my hands shake. I always think people are looking at them, thinking I’m scared, which makes me even more nervous. I don’t know if others even notice, but I feel incredibly awkward.

So I retreat inward. I’m just happier by myself.

It’s not like I hate everyone. I have a few people in my life who really know me and I feel comfortable with them. I often crave conversations with my husband. We get off work at the same time and I can’t wait to see him. But even when spending time with these special people, I still look forward to being alone.

Then there are the people who escape outward – the social butterflies, the “people” people. They find their solace in spending time with others. I can’t imagine what that must be like.

Of course, I’m sure they’re thinking the same about me. 

I spend so many days frustrated and confused by the words and actions of my family, friends, and coworkers. Why would I want to expose myself to even more of that? Sometimes when I’m around others I feel like my body is in fight or flight mode, and I’m just tired. 

I want stillness and quiet. I want peace. 

Plus there’s so much I want to do. I want to go home and write and draw and paint. Is it wrong if I don’t want spending time with others to take away from that?

I promise you I’m not an ice queen – just an ambitious loner exhausted from anxiety. There’s so much I want to do and so much I want to avoid.

So what about you guys? Do you retreat inward or escape outward? To the “people” people – do you ever just get tired of people? Do you ever get anxious? Does being alone make you nervous? I’m really curious. 

Christmas is over! Did everyone make it?

I’m so glad Christmas is over. I really hate this time of year.

I got sick on Christmas Eve Eve. I’m not sure what it was but there was a lot of puking involved. It’s really not a holiday in my family unless someone gets sick. By Christmas Day I was feeling a little better. We did the Santa thing with our six-year-old and then went out for Chinese food. It was a very chill day and I am grateful for that.

I would love to hear about how you spent your holiday! How did you keep the Christ out of Christmas?