I’m very rarely bored. I have tons of books, notebooks, journals, sketchbooks, etc. and I constantly have projects I’m working on. I am quite content to stay at home creating art, expressing myself, and learning new things.
I am not a people person and interactions with others make me very nervous. I am always self-conscious about my hands. I have muscle tremors from taking lithium so whether I’m anxious or not, my hands shake. I always think people are looking at them, thinking I’m scared, which makes me even more nervous. I don’t know if others even notice, but I feel incredibly awkward.
So I retreat inward. I’m just happier by myself.
It’s not like I hate everyone. I have a few people in my life who really know me and I feel comfortable with them. I often crave conversations with my husband. We get off work at the same time and I can’t wait to see him. But even when spending time with these special people, I still look forward to being alone.
Then there are the people who escape outward – the social butterflies, the “people” people. They find their solace in spending time with others. I can’t imagine what that must be like.
Of course, I’m sure they’re thinking the same about me.
I spend so many days frustrated and confused by the words and actions of my family, friends, and coworkers. Why would I want to expose myself to even more of that? Sometimes when I’m around others I feel like my body is in fight or flight mode, and I’m just tired.
I want stillness and quiet. I want peace.
Plus there’s so much I want to do. I want to go home and write and draw and paint. Is it wrong if I don’t want spending time with others to take away from that?
I promise you I’m not an ice queen – just an ambitious loner exhausted from anxiety. There’s so much I want to do and so much I want to avoid.
So what about you guys? Do you retreat inward or escape outward? To the “people” people – do you ever just get tired of people? Do you ever get anxious? Does being alone make you nervous? I’m really curious.