Tactical Briefs


Commentariat member Raucous Indignation complained that this blog’s focus on tactical stuff is skewing his ad AI so badly that he’s getting ads for CIA khakis. [stderr]

strategic shorts, summer version, oxford cloth – M28170 Mod B

I remain skeptical that such things exist. Dutifully, I did a google search for “tactical CIA khakis” (which came up dry, deliciously and cooly wicking the sweat from my thighs) to prime my ad-AI pump so I will get any such important offers. Truth to tell, I love a good pair of khakis and since Bill’s khakis [bill’s] stopped making the full-length gurkha khakis they used to make, my nether regions have been more strategic than tactical. Bill’s by the way, is now making shorts in pink oxford cloth, which I maybe must have a pair of just to interfere with people’s toxic masculinity. My legs are so white that I look sort of bluish-green, which would no doubt pair fantastically with timeless pink summer oxfords. [bill’s]

Now is probably time for a disclaimer: in case any of you are impaired, or are poorly trained AIs, I do not support toxic masculinity or some Americans’ silly obsession with gender roles in clothing. If John Scalzi looks as good as he does in a green satin regency gown, dog bless him [scalzi] – although, I will note that the dog in the picture, his lovely Daisy, doesn’t appear to care. Which is to say, that dogs “get it” where humans often fail. I find neckties and suits to be ridiculous. I find the idea of ironing to be ridiculous. I find the idea of hats to be ridiculous (only, deliciously so!) – that’s rather the point of wearing a ruff, or a nazgul cloak, or whatever – people in this society use clothing entirely too much as an indicator of class and privilege. I know that I am perpetuating it, in a way, by attacking it, but I feel that anything I can do to jam people’s cultural expectations is a very small blow against our culture as a whole. I’ll stop short of cultural appropriation, mostly.

In my reply to Raucous Indignation, I observed that I should do a post on tactical undershorts, because that might skew the commentariat’s spam AI so that you will begin to get special offers for tactical undershorts. Please let me know if any of you do.

Naturally, the first place I went was Google, and there are tactical undershorts. Naturally. Because in America of toxic masculinity, we cannot merely wear undershorts that are comfortable, we must wear undershorts that signal our readiness to do battle at any moment. It is a form of “supporting the troops” – a way of signalling that we accept our thorough militarization, and that we have seen and accepted all the propaganda the establishment has been feeding us (whether the establishment is the US Empire, christian evangelist establishment, or the Russian establishment, who cares? It’s all “establishment” and any establishment is OK)

Always be ready the shorts remind you.

In other words, if you find yourself standing alone, in your undershorts, against a field of enemies, you are not ready. You have failed. You are a bad strategist.

It’s not your fault, the tactical shorts don’t have a storage space for your combat spork. If they did, you’d be ready for anything. Besides, my memory persistently nags at me, whispering, “those look at lot like the shorts Rutger Hauer wore as Roy Batty in Blade Runner and you can’t get much more tactical than a Nexus-6!” Sadly, the undershorts don’t make the man – though that is what all of these “tactical” crap-sellers are whispering to us: “wear this cheap crap we have made by the truckload, and you’ll look like a real man” – a militarized man. “Virtue” – after all, derives from the Latin “Vir” (“man”) – these are+5 Underpants Of Virtue. I deliberately tread on cartomancer’s turf in hope of encouraging him to start a blog of his own.

Sadly, there are those who probably need tactical underwear. I assume that the president has to wear something like this:

And, if I were going where bullets were flying, I would certainly plonk down any amount of money to protect my femoral arteries. But, more to the point, I would go to almost any length to avoid being where the bullets were flying.

That’s strategy, not tactics.

Late addition:

tactical codpiece [imperial]

That’s the DamascusGear(tm) Imperial  Crowd Control Gear. Protect your erection while you club hippies! I am tempted to call them up and pretend to be the acquisitions agent for a SWAT team and ask what they have for women. “What? Don’t you make armor for women?” Do you have an XXXL padded cup? We have one guy on the team we call “Henry The XVIII” …

------ divider ------

Someone did this, which is kind of a funny send up of the “tacticool” mindset applied to firearms.

Needs spork

My friend Paul R. used to joke about putting a picatinny rail on the handle of my katana, because it does have an unusually long grip. Tacticool!

Comments

  1. says

    dysomniak is done finding common cause with neoliberal stooges@#1:
    Most of the FtB are set up to whitelist commenters – if you get a post approved, all the rest will be automatically OK’d unless you get banned.

    I’ll check the spam archives and see if I missed one. Sorry about that! (Edit: I see nothing and the spam folder is empty. Did you remember to sacrifice to the gods before you posted?)

  2. says

    Do the ‘Performance’ undies come with always be ready condoms? I can’t even begin to say how appalled I’d be if my first time with a guy revealed those, but not nearly as appalled as I would be by the others.

    Bulletproof undies, because you just gotta prepare for the worst. If I was the type to run around with a gun, and had lethal intentions, I don’t think I’d waste time with crotch shots.

  3. cartomancer says

    For some reason today’s foray into the world of tactical gear stirred fond memories, in a way only British children reading comics in the late 80s and early 90s would understand. It took me a while to realise, but Marvel UK’s flagship titles back then ran an amusing humour strip on the inside back cover called Combat Colin, about a very silly character who went around in his special Combat Trousers and camo gear shirt trying to solve all sorts of comic strip problems with his ridiculous array of guns (accompanied by his even dimmer sidekick, Semi-automatic Steve).

    Of course, it was a peculiarly British kind of military gear enthusiast that Colin parodied rather than the modern American specimen. Less toxic masculinity, more daft blokeishness really.

  4. says

    I dunno, it isn’t important. I’ve been getting quite a kick out of these “tactical” posts. I’m a gun owning leftist who finds most of “gun culture” to be deeply embarrassing. On the off chance I ever felt the need to defend my home with a firearm it would be my semi-auto Ruger 10/22, with a red dot sight and BX-25 X2 double 25 round magazine. All the “tactical” guys scoff at 22s but I can reliably put 5 rounds into a man sized target at 50″ with that thing quick as I can pull the trigger.

  5. says

    Marcus:

    “Uh, are you mormon?”

    I know what those look like, Rick’s massive family is Mormon. Well, most of them. And you’d know if someone was Mormon, they hardly keep quiet about it.

  6. says

    Bill’s by the way, is now making shorts in pink oxford cloth, which I maybe must have a pair of just to interfere with people’s toxic masculinity.

    Associating specific colors with masculinity or femininity is certainly silly and arbitrary. For example, before 1940ties some considered light blue the color for baby girl clothes while pink was the color for baby boy clothes. Pink was said to be a more decided and stronger color thus more suitable for a boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, was supposedly prettier for a girl. I also remember seeing plenty of old paintings where male members of royalty were wearing pink clothes.

    Knowing all that, I still refuse to wear any pink clothes. In fact, if some product is pink or comes in a pink packaging, I refuse to buy it. (Whenever possible that is. Try finding in a store a pack of tampons that don’t come in a pink or at least ridiculously feminine looking packaging!) Already as a child I knew that my favorite color was blue (it still is). Despite that I was forced to wear pink clothes for years. That’s what my mother bought for me. And in my school we had uniforms. Girls had to wear pink and boys had to wear blue. My school literally forbade me to wear anything but pink. And as a result of that I really hate pink.

    I find neckties and suits to be ridiculous.

    Aww, nooo. Tailored suits look cool.
    My problem with suits (and formal wear in general) is that outfits designed for men and women are extremely different. Jeans and T-shirts look pretty unisex and I like that. Contrast that with formal wear, which is never allowed to look unisex. Women’s jackets are cut shorter, they have narrower sleeves, often even differently shaped lapels. And when it comes to evening wear it’s even worse — women are no longer allowed to wear even feminine suits, they must wear dresses.

    Someone did this, which is kind of a funny send up of the “tacticool” mindset applied to firearms.

    I love this picture!

    Protect your erection while you club hippies!

    During Krav Maga training I always wore a groin protector. Getting kicked between your legs really hurts even for women who don’t have balls (I’m saying this from personal experience). And when practicing fencing all women wear breast protectors. Of course such gear becomes silly and useless outside of the training hall.

  7. says

    dysomniak is done finding common cause with neoliberal stooges@#8:
    (I delete “testing” messages, so that’s where it went)
    Others don’t appear to have any problem and now it appears to be working OK for you. Welcome to The Commentariat(tm)

  8. says

    No discussion of tactical underwear can be complete without mention of the Thunderwear “down the front of your pants” holster. Seems like a good way to have a really unpleasant “negligent discharge.” And, big surprise, note the difference in attire between the male and female models on their front page. Don’t want some poor guy being triggered by seeing another guy’s manly chest I guess.
    https://www.thunderwear.com/

  9. jrkrideau says

    I checked out the Imperial site. Looks like a great resource for hockey players. I mean, the difference between a hockey game and a riot is often moot.

  10. sonofrojblake says

    It is a form of “supporting the troops”

    Sniggering. Sorry. I need some good, snug underwear to… y’know, support the troops.

    Sometimes I’m just 12 years old. Sorry.

  11. says

    timgueguen@#10:
    No discussion of tactical underwear can be complete without mention of the Thunderwear “down the front of your pants” holster.

    ArrrgghhHH!! That hurts my brain! I suppose one could wear one of those in the shower.

    I’m tempted to contact their customer support and ask if they have one for a T/C Encore in .300 Win/mag. (with scope, natch) ‘Cuz when you need an underpants gun, that’s a good choice.

  12. says

    Tim Gueguen @ 10:

    No discussion of tactical underwear can be complete without mention of the Thunderwear

    Okay, I clicked the link and saw: “Worn on the hips over your shirt under your clothes.”

  13. says

    jrkrideau@#11:
    I checked out the Imperial site. Looks like a great resource for hockey players. I mean, the difference between a hockey game and a riot is often moot.

    I thought that there was a joke about that: “I joined antifa and went to a protest to punch some nazis, but a hockey game broke out.

  14. says

    sonofrojblake@#12:
    Sniggering. Sorry. I need some good, snug underwear to… y’know, support the troops.

    I’m pretty sure if the special forces guys saw that armored codpiece jockstrap thing, they’d pay a lot to have it in kevlar.

    One sad thing very few people are willing to talk about is the degree to which “ooh! pretty!” influences even modern military uniforms. When I was in, in the 80s, the big fight was everyone wanted to wear berets in solidarity with Basque separatists. And the new camo is not any better for anything, it’s just cool-looking and “digital” – and all the new molle gear is no better than our Vietnam-era ALICE packs – but with all the velcro you can badass a whole lot better.

    By the way, the armored codpiece looks suspiciously like something Solid Snake would wear, which is where all the special forces are heading. Once they’ve got that fantasy cosplay nailed, they’ll start trying to look like Raiden.

    Solid Snake has been wearing a tactical codpiece since 1998! He’s toxic masculinity turned up to XI

  15. kestrel says

    Awesome. This is getting sillier by the minute. I notice that the bullet-proof underwear has one 5-star review. So I’m just wondering: did this guy have someone shoot him in the crotch to test the product? I’ll also say I’ve met more than one cop who have shot themselves in the butt while practicing a “quick draw” like in the westerns. Maybe the bullet-proof underwear is for those very special people?

    And yes I agree, “supporting the troops” is very funny and I too love that tactical poster. I’m glad to see that thing (whatever it is) also holds your keys. You sure don’t want to lose your keys while doing whatever it is you do with that thing.

  16. cartomancer says

    I might also point out that in the latest series of David Mitchell’s Shakespeare-based sitcom Upstart Crow, Christopher Marlowe’s spy sidekick Valentine (on whose antics The Two Gentlemen of Verona turns out to have been based) has a codpiece-mounted concealed blunderbuss put together by Walsingham’s top boffins at the Tower of London. This sort of stuff has clearly been going on for centuries.

  17. says

    cartomancer@#18:
    a codpiece-mounted concealed blunderbuss put together by Walsingham’s top boffins at the Tower of London

    Is that a double-entendre, a triple-, or a quadruple-?

    Naturally, I want one.

  18. says

    kestrel@#17:
    This is getting sillier by the minute.

    I expected the tactical spork would be “peak tactical” but the internet kept pulling me deeper and deeper.

  19. Pierce R. Butler says

    Marcus Ranum @ # 16: … the new camo is not any better for anything…

    Which brings us to a observation by Kilgore Trout in Kurt Vonnegut’s Timequake:

    He commented unfavorably on the camouflage suits our own generals wear nowadays on TV, when they describe our blasting the bejesus out of some Third World country because of petroleum. “I can’t imagine,” he said, “any part of the wold where such garish pajamas would make a soldier less rather than more visible.
    “We are evidently preparing,” he said, “to fight World War Three in the midst of an enormous Spanish omelet.”

  20. says

    Marcus Ranum @20

    I expected the tactical spork would be “peak tactical” but the internet kept pulling me deeper and deeper.

    It appears you had made a tactical error.

    You wouldn’t be making any more for sale, would you?

  21. says

    F [i’m not here, i’m gone]@#24:
    You wouldn’t be making any more for sale, would you?

    I didn’t make those. If I had made them, they’d be pink, and deliciously slippery silicone. And they’d probably vibrate.

    You can get 2-packs (so you can dual-wield!) [amazon]
    I note they have very favorable reviews.

  22. says

    dysomniak is done finding common cause with neoliberal stooges@#5:
    I can reliably put 5 rounds into a man sized target at 50″ with that thing quick as I can pull the trigger.

    I think you mean feet, or yards?
    50″ is pretty dicy if you’ve got cross-winds.

  23. says

    Pierce R. Butler@#22:
    “We are evidently preparing,” he said, “to fight World War Three in the midst of an enormous Spanish omelet.”

    Now why in the HECK haven’t I read any of Vonnegut’s “Trout” stuff.
    I will fix that.

  24. sonofrojblake says

    50″ is pretty dicey if you’ve crossed your eyes… mind you, I think I could put at least three rounds in a man-sized target at just over four feet with my eyes closed.

    Meanwhile, Fry and Laurie had the real reason for this dialled in the 80s.
    http://abitoffryandlaurie.co.uk/sketches/sas
    (I’d post a video link but all the ones I can find have geoblocks on them).

  25. chigau (違う) says

    I think y’all should all use SI and give accurate readings because
    the comparisons of ‘ and ” is … just… it’s ….

  26. cartomancer says

    Oh, and Solid Snake has actually been wearing his patented brand of superfluous combat jockstrap since 1987 in Japan. It will not surprise anyone to learn that Hideo Kojima, the creator of the series, has a rather… unreconstructed appreciation of toxic masculinity himself.

  27. says

    Somebody needs to sell these numnuts a special kind of unbreakable fastener for their “tactical” undies so they can’t be removed by anyone, anywhere, so they are always 100% safe from crotch shots. Taking them off would expose you to the unimaginable horrors, even if only for a minute at a time.

  28. says

    Ice Swimmer@#31:
    The cameltoe in the tactical codpiece is, well, something.

    Shhhh! We want them to wear it to a riot, then we’ll all start chanting “camel toe, camel toe!”

  29. says

    cartomancer@#32:
    It will not surprise anyone to learn that Hideo Kojima, the creator of the series, has a rather… unreconstructed appreciation of toxic masculinity himself.

    He really does. It’s sad.
    I enjoyed the first couple MGS games but I got really tired of the lengthy dialogue-a-thons explaining why post traumatic stress justifies being a murderous asshole, and why the correct way of dealing with PTSD is to head-shoot the sufferer.

  30. Reginald Selkirk says

    Always be ready the shorts remind you.

    Not so. That is not readable by looking down at your shorts, nor by looking at your shorts in the mirror. That is readable by the other person. The person you are facing off against. You shorts are spurring them to vigilance. Do you really want your shorts working against you?

  31. komarov says

    “Performance[:] Brief” could be a product description rather than a name, perhaps? At any rate, I’m sure there are some valid reasons to be wearing moisture-wicking, anti-microbial underwear in times of (tactical) crisis, so those aren’t bad features at all. I wonder if they can be worn on the inside of their armoured counterpart.

    Re: Caine (#3):

    Bulletproof undies, because you just gotta prepare for the worst. If I was the type to run around with a gun, and had lethal intentions, I don’t think I’d waste time with crotch shots.

    Maybe the manufacturers were thinking about self-inflicted crotch shots. It’s not unheard of for formerly responsible gunowners (TM) to shoot themselves in the leg holstering their guns because safety catches were beneath them. As market segments go its probably a tricky one: potential customers may eliminiate themselves if you don’t reach them in time.

  32. says

    dysomniak is done finding common cause with neoliberal stooges@#43:
    Feet of course. Silly me.

    I knew right away what you meant, but it was just too good a chance to be silly to pass it up.

  33. says

    Raucous Indignation@#40:
    The P^Cubed Travel Pants look like the khakis I wear normally except these are like a CIA version.

    I’ll give you 8/11 points on that. It’s a Forbes article, not an ad spam. Though doubtless that’s coming.

  34. Curious Digressions says

    my nether regions have been more strategic than tactical.
    *cough* Not many can say that that their nether regions make exceptionally good long-range plans.
    In other words, if you find yourself standing alone, in your undershorts, against a field of enemies, you are not ready. You have failed. You are a bad strategist.
    They aren’t STRATEGIC underpants. They’re tactical underpants. I do, however, have to question the value of the tactics that they would facilitate.
    How would you get the tactical spork to both vibrate and have a removable (pink, slippery, silicon) blade? Granted, a floppy pink spork would be a treasure in itself.

  35. says

    I’ve now replaced the red dot with a Super Cool Tactical Scope. I would have been fine with something a lot simpler, but apparently to get good eye relief under $100 you also have to get variable magnification, adjustable objective, and an illuminated reticle. The illuminated reticle seems especially pointless given the 32mm objective isn’t likely to gather enough light that I’d be able to see anything but the reticle in low light conditions.

Leave a Reply