If you’re attacked by ninjas, make sure they’re wet.
ZAP: you’re wet! Now, are you deterred?
While you’re sleeping innocently, ninjas sneak onto your yard. Suddenly, the Yard Enforcer springs into action and the ninjas are wet and soggy. Hearing the distinctive sound of the sprinkler (shikka-shikka-shikka…) you leap from your bed, grab your grizzly bear-blinding tactical flashlight, put on your elite military Navy SEAL sunglasses, grab your Strike Pen, and fall down the stairs to your bunker, breaking your hip.
One of the best make-out sessions I ever had in my life was on a muggy summer day in Baltimore, on a golf course where the sprinklers would cut through the heat as if to say “get a room!” every 30 seconds. We were not deterred. I’m tempted to get one of these so the deer and the coyotes can cool off, except the nights are always cool up here, anyway.
Look at the damn thing, will you? It’s tactical black. What it needs is a frick’ laser that pinpoints its target before sending a lethal burst of cool water in their direction.
American toxic masculinity is in its full flower, and it’s a great big meat-scented flower of stupidity.