The Yard Enforcer


If you’re attacked by ninjas, make sure they’re wet.

ZAP: you’re wet! Now, are you deterred?

While you’re sleeping innocently, ninjas sneak onto your yard. Suddenly, the Yard Enforcer springs into action and the ninjas are wet and soggy. Hearing the distinctive sound of the sprinkler (shikka-shikka-shikka…) you leap from your bed, grab your grizzly bear-blinding tactical flashlight, put on your elite military Navy SEAL sunglasses, grab your Strike Pen, and fall down the stairs to your bunker, breaking your hip.

One of the best make-out sessions I ever had in my life was on a muggy summer day in Baltimore, on a golf course where the sprinklers would cut through the heat as if to say “get a room!” every 30 seconds. We were not deterred. I’m tempted to get one of these so the deer and the coyotes can cool off, except the nights are always cool up here, anyway.

Look at the damn thing, will you? It’s tactical black. What it needs is a frick’ laser that pinpoints its target before sending a lethal burst of cool water in their direction.

American toxic masculinity is in its full flower, and it’s a great big meat-scented flower of stupidity.

Comments

  1. says

    The description says “deters unwanted animals” and “pest deterrent”. Of course one could argue that humans are also animals, but from the description I got the impression that this sprinkler is supposed to scare away non human animals rather than human ninjas. Although I’m not sure whether some water drops are an effective way how to scare away wild animals. They must be used to water (aka rain) already.

  2. Raucous Indignation says

    There’s a sidebar ad I keep getting for “CIA grade” khakis. I assume it’s there because I keep reading your ridiculous posts about all this tactical grade tom-foolery!

  3. cartomancer says

    Any ninja worth their salt would have a way to ninj aside from a mere sprinkler device. If you’re not leaping from rooftop to rooftop then you’re doing it wrong.

    Ninja is an agent noun now, by the way. The verb is to ninj, meaning to move around in a superlatively stealthy fasion. I ninj, you ninj, he, she or it ninjes, we ninj, they ninj. If Shakespeare can go around creating new words then so can I.

  4. jrkrideau says

    It might deter animals for a few days but the raccoons would have converted it into a drinking fountain well within a week.

  5. Sunday Afternoon says

    @jrkrideau #5:

    You have me wondering if “raccoon drinking fountain conversion” is covered in the protection plan that is offered on the right side of the page.

  6. says

    Pffft, water won’t deter much of anything. Now, if it shot streams of vinegar…*
     
    *squirt guns/bottles with a good range full of vinegar does deter squirrels, but you always have to shoot them more than once.

  7. kestrel says

    LOL. So ninjas walk on nails and sleep in the snow with no blanket etc. but you spray them with a little water and BAM, they’re done.

    I see it’s supposed to stop predators and animals from getting in your yard, maybe stops them from killing your chickens? I wonder if it works as well as this fearsome plastic owl does? These *totally* keep away hawks: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSszssQ1tLcET_9KEI6Q7KKyZXPH3ex4SgMPLtxI5tnzJs4BQya I bet it is *every bit* as effective as the plastic owl.

  8. says

    Ieva Skrebele:

    The description says “deters unwanted animals” and “pest deterrent”. Of course one could argue that humans are also animals,

    You need to shop around for a better sense of humour.

  9. felicis says

    cartomancer @#4 – I hate to break it to you – Terry Pratchett beat you to it by a couple of decades:

    “‘Use the wand!’ shouted Nanny, darting forward. ‘Don’t ninj at them! Use the wand! That’s what it’s for!’ ”

    From “Witches Abroad” 1991. Of course – that does put you in high company!

  10. says

    sonofrojblake@#10:
    What it needs is three lasers projecting three dots in a small triangle.

    Oh, great, that’d attract governors of California to come kick my ass.

    Actually, that would be funny as hell to build – a PIR-operated laser scan/designator. I could put them out on the edge of the field where the hunters go poach deer. (I was toying with the idea of modifying my drone to drop small flash-bangs, except I think that ATFE gets mad if you make your own flash-bangs)

  11. says

    kestrel@#8:
    LOL. So ninjas walk on nails and sleep in the snow with no blanket etc. but you spray them with a little water and BAM, they’re done.

    Social justice ninjas are notoriously flimsy. I’ve head stories of them being headed off at the scent of pumpkin spice latte.
    The old school “git ‘er done” ninjas from the Japanese tradition – those guys just run between the water drops.

  12. says

    jrkrideau@#5:
    It might deter animals for a few days but the raccoons would have converted it into a drinking fountain well within a week.

    The raccoons up here are smarter than our congressional representatives. They’d probably be set up and charging all the other animals a carrot a cup for water in a couple hours. They’re as aggressive as venture capitalists, bless their furry little hearts.

  13. says

    Raucous Indignation@#2:
    There’s a sidebar ad I keep getting for “CIA grade” khakis. I assume it’s there because I keep reading your ridiculous posts about all this tactical grade tom-foolery!

    I wonder if I say “tactical underpants” if it’ll start them appearing in ads?

  14. chigau (違う) says

    Marcus #12

    I was toying with the idea of modifying my drone to drop small flash-bangs…

    What about a recording of Ride of the Valkyries?

  15. says

    chigau@#16:
    What about a recording of Ride of the Valkyries?

    I like the way you think.
    That may say something bad about how you think, but I like it anyway.

  16. Raucous Indignation says

    And now we have tactical under-panties. Are you happy now Marcus? Well and truly happy?

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