Trusting Others: Gut Feelings, Logical Thinking, and Wishful Thinking

I am currently healing from broken trust which has left me thinking about what trust is and how it works. I have a lot of questions for you and I am eager to read your responses.

I often get gut feelings about people – both good and bad – but I try not to let them interfere with a budding relationship or friendship. My gut feeling is sometimes right, but often wrong. Should a person really trust their gut? I’ve always felt like I need more information – even if it leaves me guarded. I try to push through it – especially if it’s someone I can’t avoid. Are gut feelings irrational, biased, or even an innate instinct? 

Do you trust your gut? Does it tell you the truth?

While I sometimes ignore gut feelings, logical thinking takes over. I can keep a mental tally of the good and the bad and weigh my options. But the worst part is when wishful thinking steps in – when I want someone to be a good person so badly that I will look past numerous red flags. That’s when you get burned.

When I ignore red flags it’s often to keep the peace. I know there’s no formula for trust, but how many chances should you give someone? Where do you draw the line? What’s a forgivable mistake vs. blatant disrespect?

I am a trusting person and I usually give people a chance, but I feel it is much easier to see when someone breaks your trust than when they gain it. Gaining trust takes time while losing trust can happen in an instant.

If you’re trusting, open, and vulnerable – if you’re willing to let people in – does that make you prey? Will you become a victim? How do you protect yourself?

When a loved one trusts someone they shouldn’t – do you say something or step away?

On the flip side, am I trustworthy? How do I show someone that I’m trustworthy? I feel being honest and open has helped me in relationships. I’m often willing to share my story and hope others will reciprocate. Keep promises. Be reliable and available. 

Are people giving me a fair chance? On occasion, I doubt it because of the stigma surrounding my mental illness, but I try so hard to prove myself. Regardless, I have a lot of good people in my life.

Do you have to know someone on a somewhat personal level to trust them? Does personality play a role? Do any personal prejudices become a factor? Does the way a person looks make them more or less trustworthy? Unfortunately, I’m going to say yes to all of those. I see it in my own life. Deep down, I know it should be a person’s words and actions that make them trustworthy, but sometimes that’s just not the case. Sometimes you have to work really hard to look past irrelevant factors.

Here’s a touchy subject – how do you know if you can trust someone with your children? The list of people I’ll let watch my daughter is pretty short. Trusting people with children gives me a lot of anxiety. Do you have criteria for trusting a person with your child? My daughter plays with the girl next door a lot, and even her going over to the neighbor’s house makes me nervous. Sure, my husband and I talk to our neighbors here and there, but do we really know them? I feel like every time I take my daughter somewhere I am taking a chance with the people around us. When do you let go?

How do you know you can trust your children with different responsibilities or even with being left home alone? I learned a couple of weeks ago in a training given by our local children’s services that there is no set age to legally leave a child home alone in our state. It is completely at the discretion of the caregiver regarding the maturity of the child. I remember being home alone a lot when I was younger, but that was in a rural area in the nineties – it was more accepted to leave your children home alone at a younger age. My daughter’s daycare accepts children up to twelve years old. I certainly didn’t go to daycare that long but my daughter most likely will. 

And of course, the one that always pisses me off – why do people assume that because they’re Christian people should view them as trustworthy? Honestly, anymore it just makes me run in the opposite direction. I once had an auto mechanic tell me that he was a “god-fearing” man just before he really screwed me over. I’m sure we all have stories like that.

How do you see the good in people while still being cautious? That’s the question I want to be answered more than any of the others. Each time someone breaks your trust it knocks you down a notch making it harder to trust others in the future. However, if I don’t give people a chance I will miss out on relationships, opportunities, and experiences. What am I teaching my daughter at that point?

I am so curious to read your thoughts on trust. What does trust look like to you?

If psychic powers were a thing, would you want them?

This is just a silly thought that popped into my mind today.

This morning I was laying in bed thinking about my paintings. I currently have seventeen paintings for sale at a local consignment shop and many more stored at home. I got a little flutter in my belly wondering if any of them have sold. I’m a very nervous and impatient person and I can’t stand not knowing. I have to pick up any unsold paintings on June sixth.

I wish I had the ability to know how my paintings will do, but if I did, would that have prevented me from showing the shop owner my paintings in the first place?

Would I want psychic powers? Maybe. 

Writing submissions feel the same as selling my artwork. I hate waiting. I just want to know. If I knew, I could focus my efforts on submissions where I know I’ll be successful.

I think there would be a downside to psychic powers. Late last year my family was at my husband’s grandpa’s house. His grandpa was in his nineties and usually very quiet, but at this visit, he was very talkative. He told us all about his experience in the Korean War. He was passionate and I felt closer to him for sharing.

After we left, I told my husband I was worried about his grandpa. Both of my grandpas were in World War II and it felt like they relived the war right before they died. They were willing to share things they weren’t before – just like my husband’s grandpa. 

I really didn’t know what was going to happen, but his grandpa died shortly after. I don’t know if anyone was freaked out by what I said, but I definitely felt shitty for saying it.

In that example, I would definitely not want psychic powers. What I said about my husband’s grandpa was not from a psychic ability – it was simply from past experience. Either way, it definitely felt like a punch in the gut.

Would you want to know how and when you’ll die? For me, no way. I’ll just say surprise me on that one.

So what do you think? Would you want psychic powers? How would you use them? Would you find a way to help others or would you keep your abilities to yourself?

Mo Money Mo Problems

My husband and I are used to struggling. We’ve never truly been what many consider “comfortable”. But I recently noticed something.

When our daughter was born, we barely had anything. We worked hard, but my husband and I were both making only twelve dollars an hour. But here’s what’s interesting – we made it work. 

Fast forward to today. My daughter is now seven and we make quite a bit more than twelve dollars an hour, but we’re barely scraping by. This past year we have felt more pressure and desperation than we ever have. 

If at one time we made twelve dollars an hour work, why are we broke now?

I feel our life was simpler when we were younger. We have less stuff. Now we have more subscriptions, bills, expenses, etc. 

Kinda weird, but I also think we didn’t realize how expensive having eight cats would be. One of our cats was recently injured and while we would do anything for our kitties, that 700-dollar vet bill hurt. 

Things are even shittier in the US right now, and I’m sure that contributes to why we are broke. 

This is a short post, but I’m curious if any of you can relate. Have you made your life work for less money than you have now? Did your life get more complicated when you made more money?

When did body parts become offensive?

Of course, this post came to mind after hearing about the Statue of David controversy in Florida, but I have a more personal example.

I live in a small, three-bedroom house with one tiny bathroom to share with my husband and daughter. We always leave the bathroom door open so if someone’s showering, the toilet is available, etc. It’s no big deal to us because we’re family.

Last weekend I was unaware that the neighbor girl was over at our house because I was in the shower – with the door open. I didn’t hear her come in. I get out of the shower, dry off, and walk completely naked to our bedroom across the hall (like I always do), but when I get in the hall, I see the neighbor girl. I run to the bedroom and slam the door. I was so pissed at my husband for not letting me know that someone else was in the house that I yelled at him – so much so that I scared my daughter and the neighbor girl away. Turns out my husband was sitting on the couch with no pants on – just a t-shirt and boxers – and didn’t want to get up. The neighbor girl sometimes lets herself in so I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later. My family is hardly ever fully dressed when we’re hanging out at home.

But why was this such a big deal to me – why did I have to yell? Considering my history of eating disorders, I’m not exactly comfortable with my body, but still, the neighbor girl is only five – what does she care about the shape of my body? 

Of course, in the back of my mind, I thought if a child other than my own sees me naked, could it be misconstrued as something sexual? It’s a scary thought and I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

If this were to happen again, I would try to be calmer. It’s probably not as big of a deal as I made it.

But really, who told us to cover up? Why can’t kids see the Statue of David? Why are body parts offensive?

Does this have to do with religion? Is this a Puritan thing?

What do you think and how would you have responded to my neighbor girl situation?

Am I indoctrinating my daughter?

I’m sure all families indoctrinate their children to a degree – even if it’s not religious.

My daughter recently had a birthday, and one of her friends gave her a Claire’s gift card. The only Claire’s near us is in the mall, so we went to the mall for the first time in years. We were there for about an hour before I got freaked out at the number of people there. I didn’t think people shopped at malls anymore, but I was definitely wrong. Old people, young people – everybody was there.

We stopped at the food court for lunch and there happens to be a Chic-fil-A in our mall. Of course, it was closed because it was Sunday, but my daughter points at it and says, “That’s the restaurant we hate.” I giggled because it was cute as hell, but maybe I shouldn’t have.

My work often has Chic-fil-A cater our meetings and trainings, and I always go home and bitch about it to my husband. I’m sure that’s where my daughter is getting this from. But I realized, I’ve never actually sat down and explained to my daughter why I don’t like Chic-fil-A. She’s just repeating what she hears.

Is that wrong? My daughter now hates a restaurant that she knows nothing about and has never eaten at. 

Maybe this is just a small example but is it really that different than religious families?

I really want to raise my daughter in a way that she learns to question everything and think for herself – even if she ends up believing something other than what my husband and I believe. I want her to feel independent and free to explore whatever she wants.

So what about your family – do you feel you have indoctrinated your children even if you aren’t religious? Is that good or bad? Do you catch yourself doing it?

Mandated Reporting and Our Local Clergy

I work for an arts program in a mental health organization, and since I sometimes work with kids, I am a mandated reporter. Last Monday, a social worker from our local children’s services gave a presentation on mandated reporting. I’m not going to lie – I thought it was going to be boring, but to my surprise, I actually learned quite a bit. It helped that the presenter coupled the information with interesting local stories. 

Several thoughts came up as I sat and listened to the presentation. 

First, I found the definitions and descriptions of the different kinds of abuse very helpful. I honestly didn’t know what constitutes emotional abuse. We were given a booklet on abuse and reporting and here’s how it defines emotional abuse:

“Repeated threats or insults to scare or embarrass a child, or to crush a child’s self-esteem. It can also include withholding affection and attention from a child.”

Second thought – is indoctrination considered emotional abuse? You got to admit, some of that definition touches on aspects of indoctrination. 

Third thought (which didn’t surprise me) – clergy is also mandated reporters in my state, but the presenter said that they are the worst group for compliance. Not only do they not report suspected abuse, they often blame the children. She even gave us plenty of local examples. Even some of my coworkers chimed in and gave examples. I was shocked because they acted like abuse in local churches is common knowledge among parishioners, but no one is doing anything about it.

Apparently, if you are a mandated reporter in my state and don’t report abuse, you can be given a six-month jail sentence. If they know the clergy isn’t complying, I’m wondering if they are following through with justice.

Here’s the really bizarre part – after telling us all this about local clergy and churches, the presenter invited us to a “faith-based celebration luncheon” to recruit foster and adoptive families. 

What?? I really feel they’re looking in the wrong place. 

I really don’t know how to help in this situation. I was born and raised in this area. I know what it’s like here, and yet when I heard about local clergy and churches along with a faith-based foster and adoption recruitment event, my gut just sank.

Surprisingly, I don’t have many questions in this post. I just wanted to share my story so you could join in my disgust. Can anyone relate? Do you have a similar story? Is indoctrination really abuse? What can be done about all this?

Would I be happier if I were a Christian?

Let’s pretend for a minute that I wasn’t a skeptical person – that I didn’t ask a million questions. Maybe I was lacking common sense and needed a far-fetched explanation to squash my fear of the unknown. Maybe I was raised in a church and didn’t know any different.

I am constantly bombarded with Christianity and sometimes it wears me down. What if I just gave in? If you can’t beat them, join them, right?

As much as I’m cringing writing this, you have to admit, there are a few positive aspects to Christianity. First, many Christians feel at home at their church. That’s a sense of community I don’t have. Religion provides rules and a certain plan for life so many Christians feel they have a purpose. Not to mention, the thought of going to heaven when you die is probably pretty comforting. Maybe not having to think for yourself is a relief to some. If you didn’t know any different, wouldn’t Christianity feel safe? Also, Christians are the majority here where as an atheist I often feel ostracized and judged — silenced even.

What if I had these things? If I was a Christian with blind faith, would I be happier? Would my life be simpler? 

I imagine bonding with my coworkers, having a sense of community I’ve longed for, and maybe getting a little more sleep — after all, I’m going to heaven when I die. I imagine feeling safer and more confident.

What I am describing would require blind faith, and it’s in my nature to question. To be honest, I find it hard to believe that there are people who don’t question anything. I think everyone questions but few are willing to admit it. Personally, I couldn’t call myself a Christian and live with those doubts.

So would I be happier? We all know the horror stories that accompany Christianity and certain churches, but if you just consider the aspects I listed above, I think I actually would be happier. Comfort, safety, purpose – I mean, who wouldn’t want those things? 

But it’s just not me. I was even skeptical as a child and I don’t like being lied to. I will live a more difficult life if it means evidence and common sense are valued. That’s what’s important to me. I feel strong and grounded as an atheist which has positively impacted my recovery – that’s also very important to me.

What do you guys think? Would you be happier if you were a Christian with blind faith? What would that look like in your life? I live in a red state in the Midwest so that definitely affects how I look at religion. What would these aspects look like where you live? I’m sure there have been many studies done on religion and happiness, but I think it’s really interesting to consider scenarios on a very personal level.

Competition is fierce — Is it more important to be different than good?

Creative types, have you ever heard this before? “It’s more important to be different than good.” I first heard this quote when I was doing a lot of art shows in my twenties. I’ve actually been told this a couple of times and someone once explained it as millions of people are good at any one thing, so it is crucial that you stand out. 

At first, I would think this would work in my favor because I’m pretty damn weird. Maybe if I’m weird enough people will look past the fact that I’m not well-educated. 

I’ve been given a lot of opportunities as an artist and writer despite my lack of education, but of course, I’ve heard “no” way more than “yes” which is always discouraging. In those moments I always wonder if people with a degree have a leg up on me. 

What’s really interesting is when I was younger, other artists said I should consider myself an outsider artist because I was mentally ill and untrained. Some even suggested that I never seek any kind of training so I could always remain an outsider.

However, I went against their advice and took some classes and I am so glad I did. To my surprise, the training did not push me to conform in any way; they just gave me more tools to use in expressing myself and creating art. At times I complained in my drawing class – maybe I was a little frustrated or bored – but my instructor told me you have to learn the rules before you can break them. That seemed like much better advice than telling someone not to get any training.

This could apply to so many different fields and interests. So what do you think – educated/skilled vs. different/standing out? Is one more important than another? Of course, it would be best to have both, but if you had to pick one, what do you feel is more helpful? 

Psychosis, Religion, and Lingering Fear

Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting at one of the oldest structures in the city which happens to be known as one of the most haunted locations in the state. In its current form, the structure is an arts center infamous for the many spirits that supposedly roam its halls. I am going there tomorrow because the arts program I work for is considering renting space there.

I’ve been to this building several times and each time I get a little nervous and hope I don’t experience anything strange – even though I’m an atheist who doesn’t believe in ghosts.

I’m returning to a question I’ve asked before: if you’re afraid of something you don’t believe in, does that mean you actually believe in it?

I don’t believe in spirits or people rising from the dead, but I still get a little scared.

I definitely have my reasons. As someone who struggles with schizoaffective disorder, many of my psychotic symptoms have been related to the paranormal. Antipsychotic medication changed my whole world and that’s actually when I decided to become an atheist. All of these unexplained things that were happening were suddenly explained when the medication worked. 

Even the revelations I experienced from taking medication don’t stop me from getting a little worked up about anything paranormal. Logically I know it isn’t real, but the fear is still there.

Can this question relate to anyone raised in religion?

I just wanted to ask this question again because I was curious if anyone could relate – perhaps a lingering fear from a religious history. For example, were you ever told you were going to hell, and even though you’re no longer a believer, you still get nervous that something bad might happen to you? Like an irrational fear you can’t shake? 

When you became a nonbeliever, were there any rules/sins you were still scared of? When you broke a rule or sinned and nothing happened, was it empowering?

The Evidence 

I bring up the paranormal thing a lot. I’m absolutely fascinated with it even though I’m a little scared. I don’t believe in ghosts or spirits but I do think there’s something to people’s experiences – we just don’t have a clear explanation yet.

As I mentioned above, I’ve already been to this building several times, and even though I get nervous, I have never once experienced anything weird there. That should be evidence enough to keep me calm. I know I’ll be anxious, but I also know that most likely nothing is going to happen.

Whether it’s mental illness, religion, or something else, I’m sure lingering fear can be trauma-related.

So what do you think? If you’re afraid of something you don’t believe in, does that mean you actually believe in it?

To Everyone in Recovery

In my hour of desperation, all I can do is write, but I’m keeping this short and sweet.

It’s been a rough day.

My eating disorder is an everyday battle. It’s so hard to keep fighting, but I don’t have a choice. There are tools I can use, but I’m exhausted. I need to use my last little spark to push forward. 

Society’s judgments and my unsupportive family weigh me down but I’m realizing my strength and learning I have a voice. I’m not looking for a normal life; I just want to be healthy and functional. You haven’t walked in my shoes – nor I in yours – but I don’t need your understanding; I need your kindness and grace.

To everyone in recovery – no matter what from – I see you and tomorrow is a new day. Let’s keep going.