Finding Motivation and Healing in This Mental Mess

It’s no secret – treatment tore me up and I’m pretty fragile. My mental mess has spilled out into every aspect of my life. Right now I’m just trying to hang on. It’s been one wild ride.

I have a good life but uncovering the root causes of my eating disorder revealed that it’s not as good as it seems. Now that I really see that, I know I have a lot of work to do.

I spend a lot of time alone during the day which unfortunately gives me ample opportunity to ruminate on hard feelings. Sometimes all I can do is write about it.

I cry every day and many nights I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want a new day to begin. I’m holding on by a thin, frayed thread. 

But then I get some sleep – my body and brain get some much-needed rest and I find a tiny bit of optimism in the morning.

Every day I walk around feeling like I’m going to fall apart but for some reason, I still get up in the morning and do shit. Even after everything that’s happened – the trauma, the treatment, and the exhausting range of emotions – I still think better things are yet to come. Obviously, I can’t see the future, but I think my situation will improve.

I’m not blowing sunshine up anyone’s ass. This is truly how I feel and how I’m making it through the day.

Feelings are temporary.
Feelings are temporary.
Feelings are temporary.

I don’t need god. I know how to ask for help and I have the strength to heal myself.

I just have to hang on. 

 

What motivates you? How do you find hope when everything’s gone to shit?

How do you feel about aging?

I will be turning forty later this year, and while I don’t think that’s old, I am definitely noticing signs of aging.

I’m already shrinking. I’m under 5’ now. I didn’t know that that can start in your thirties. I was really shocked and blown away when they measured me at the treatment center. My grandma who lived into her 90s was tiny and frail. It’s hard to imagine that might be my future. 

I can see signs of aging when I look in the mirror which is more upsetting than shrinking. My face is dull, dry, and not as firm as it once was. In the last few weeks, I’ve developed rosacea on my cheeks. There are dark circles and creases around my eyes. I’m spending money on skincare products I didn’t even know existed.

Despite noticeably aging, I actually feel pretty good. Since getting treatment for my eating disorder I have more energy. The only physical complaint I have is that I don’t like it when my daughter wants me to sit on the floor with her. Sometimes it’s hard getting back up.

Looking at my face can be a bit troubling, but I’m not as upset about aging as people might think. I think I’ve done a lot for someone my age, and except for a couple of morbid blog posts, thoughts of my own mortality don’t really come up that often. 

We get this one life. That’s it. Since I don’t believe in an afterlife, should aging scare me more? Is it harder to accept aging when you’re an atheist? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts. How do you feel about aging? Does being an atheist affect that at all?

Eating Disorder Recovery — A Little More from My First Journal

I want to share a little more of my first journal. This entry was written two days after I found out I was going to a treatment center in Chicago and four days prior to my admission. I was starting to prepare to leave. It was incredibly difficult dealing with insurance and admissions but now it was becoming real.

12/12/21

A couple of days ago, my husband said he doesn’t know anyone who obsesses about food like I do.

He’s right. It’s an obsession, addiction.

 

3:30pm — Ordered Tropical Smoothie Cafe (again). Got the same wrap and smoothie. 

Couldn’t finish it even though it was the first time I’ve eaten today.

We order from Door Dash almost every night – mostly because of me. I don’t want to cook and fast food is gross. It gives you a lot of selection and variety but I tend to order the same things over and over.

But it’s very expensive. My husband said they’ll save money when I’m in treatment and not ordering Door Dash.

 

My Amazon packages came – new jeans, long shirts to cover my butt when I wear leggings, and extra toiletries. I still need to do some shopping locally before I go.

 

I’m still waiting for something to blow up – something has to go wrong. Finding treatment has been an absolute rollercoaster and I don’t think the ride has come to a complete stop yet.

I’m getting ready to go but I’m cautious.

I’m so nervous about having to eat food I don’t like.

My daughter is starting to get upset. She knows I’m leaving. She mentioned it a couple of times today. She cried a little this afternoon and tonight she said she wants to go with me.

Deep down I was thinking she’s closer to my husband so it won’t be as big of a deal if I leave.

This might be harder than I thought.

 

My eating disorder is so ingrained in my life and it has been for years. I don’t know how I’m ever going to overcome it. It’s every day – every meal.

I feel I will be focusing on minimizing symptoms rather than doing away with them.

 

I keep thinking about how I’ll introduce myself once I get there. Of course I will tell them about my family. Do I tell them my age? Do I tell them I’ve been through this before? Do I tell them I have schizoaffective disorder? I mean, they’ll see the muscle tremors from the lithium. I definitely want to tell them I’m a writer.

 

7:30pm — Got to get high now! I won’t be able to do this in treatment.

 

9pm — Ordered Pizza Hut. Had four slices and two breadsticks. I still want more.

 

Leah left a voicemail – possibly Thursday at 9am?

Will it be worth it? I’m going to be putting my whole family under a lot of stress in order to get treatment. It better pay off.

At the time I wrote this I was at a point where I knew I was really sick and I also knew if I ate I would feel better but my hunger and satiety cues were completely gone. Most days I felt nauseous. In addition to recreational use, I would often use weed to have an appetite. I would get high, eat, and for a couple hours, I would feel normal.

I had no idea what was in store for me at treatment…or that it would change everything.

Are meditation and prayer the same?

I have come to rely on meditation. When my anxiety feels out of control it is one surefire way to calm myself down. I am on several psych meds but sometimes it’s important to find other ways to help yourself — especially in a moment of distress. However, meditation has become a daily practice for me.

Busy day? Meditate.

Distracted mind? Meditate.

Big event coming up? Meditate.

Can’t sleep? Meditate.

You get the picture.

I have quite a collection of mala beads and I like to use them for chanting and breathing exercises. 

I often wear mala beads around my wrist and one day a relative said it looked like I’m carrying around a rosary. For something that’s so meaningful to me, I couldn’t help but be a little offended.

I’ve heard people compare meditation to prayer. Do you think they are the same?

Maybe they have the same effect but I can tell you my intent is different.

When I meditate, I’m not expecting some genie in the sky to grant me wishes. Nope. It’s all on me. It’s work that I do. It’s an exercise. It’s a way to keep me mentally resilient. It’s a part of staying well.

But do people feel the same way about prayer?

The one major parallel I can draw is that meditation and prayer are both for yourself. You may think your prayer is helping someone else but it’s really just a way to make yourself feel better. Meditation is something I do for myself. I never expect it to affect others except for maybe I’m more pleasant to be around (or at least more tolerable). 

I know there have been studies done on the effects of prayer and meditation but I’m really curious to get your opinion – do you think they’re the same?

Eating Disorder Recovery — Sharing a Little Bit of My First Journal

I started keeping a journal a little over a month before being admitted to the treatment center. I was seeing a local therapist every other week at the time, but my eating disorder soon became too much for outpatient appointments. There was definitely a point of no return where I knew I couldn’t go on – I had to get help. When I made that realization I felt I slight boost of energy – a slight glimmer of hope – that helped me get to where I needed to be. I needed it because it took some work to find the proper treatment for my symptoms. 

The door’s been cracked.
I can see light peaking through.
That slight glimmer of hope
is holding my head above water
for the moment…

 

I was constantly sick and on many days stayed home in bed. I missed my family’s Thanksgiving celebration which was the event that set the ball in motion. I knew I needed help at that point.

11/25/21

I’ve been very sick lately. It was like having the flu four times in two months. I went to my therapist crying. I knew something was really wrong. She said I needed to go inpatient. I’m still trying to figure it all out.

In middle school, when I started a habit of bingeing and fasting, the 6th grade me didn’t see our future. Deep down I know I’m a smart woman and I never meant for this to happen.

 

I felt I needed to make some notes to prepare for my phone assessments with two different treatment centers.

11/28/21

List of Symptoms

– Gag and spit out food at almost every meal.

– Sometimes vomit

– Very, very picky. I won’t eat fruits and veggies and I don’t like the taste of meat. Things I used to like don’t taste good anymore. The selection and variety of foods I’ll actually eat are getting smaller and smaller.

– I skip meals. Sometimes I eat one meal in the afternoon.

– Sometimes I eat food out of the trash.

– Sometimes if I find a good I really like I’ll binge because I don’t know the next time I’ll find food I like. I find comfort in eating a lot of the foods I like but it always leads to me feeling out of control.

– I eat the same foods over and over again. Right now I’m stuck on turkey sandwiches – as long as there’s a lot of mayo or dressing so I can’t taste the meat.

– I’ve been feeling very sick physically for the last two months. I see a GI doctor and he’s done lots of procedures and tests (endoscopy, colonoscopy, bloodwork, stool sample, ultrasound and MRI of abdomen) and hasn’t found any medical causes for my illness.

– I feel my hunger signals are messed up right now. Sick or hungry?

– My weight is affecting my health (high blood pressure and cholesterol) 

– Diabetes has been ruled out with recent bloodwork.

– I’m overweight and upset about it, but I feel more afraid of food than I am of gaining more weight.

What I Want From Treatment

  • Stop feeling sick
  • Regain control
  • Lose weight

What I Fear About Treatment

  • Getting even fatter
  • Not getting better/unwilling to make changes
  • Family unwilling to make changes

Tuesday 1:30pm – assessment

 

Finding the proper treatment was even harder than I thought.

12/3/21

The steps to recovery
are covered in mud,
there’s no handrail,
upper floors don’t exist,
and the climb is steep.
I’m out of breath
and wearing the wrong shoes.

 

This is part of a letter I wrote when one treatment center suggested outpatient due to my rumination disorder:

Thank you for taking the time to do my assessment last Tuesday. However, I feel like I am screaming out for help and no one is listening. I am desperate.

My eating disorder has consumed me. It is an everyday battle that I am losing. It has negatively impacted my functioning and relationships. I have missed work and family gatherings. My husband has become somewhat of a caregiver and my impressionable young daughter is watching me suffer. Everyone in my life is worried.

I am very sick and very miserable right now. I am losing weight and am concerned about my health.

I have started looking for a dietician and occupational therapist like you suggested, however, I don’t think outpatient is going to cut it at this time. I need daily help to get me back on track. 

Please help. I am really struggling and I’m begging you to reconsider.

Thank you,
Megan Rahm

When I wrote that letter I felt absolutely desperate and thought it was a long shot. However, that letter is what got me the treatment that I needed. I learned to advocate for myself which can be extremely important when it comes to healthcare. This is literally what saved me.

Prior to writing this letter, I was turned down by another treatment center also for rumination disorder. They said it would trigger the other patients. I thought I was running out of options so when I got a response to my letter I sobbed. I couldn’t believe it worked and that I would finally get treatment.

 

12/6/21

Went to my therapy appointment. We talked a lot about how anxiety, OCD, and grief all contribute to my eating disorder. She said I’m holding a lot inside.

She’s probably right.

Treating my eating disorder is going to be a long and difficult process. I feel like going to the treatment center when I was 21 was merely putting on a band-aid. There’s a lot of work to be done yet.

I admitted to my therapist that I held back when I saw my GI doctor last week. They asked if I had been feeling sick (nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea) and I said no. I thought – what’s the point? I’m getting treatment for my eating disorder soon.

I hope my writing will expose the process of getting treatment – just how difficult it can be, all the hoops you have to jump through when you already feel like shit. It takes a lot of strength and courage.

My therapist said that story needs to be told.

This was my second round of treatment – nearly twenty years after the first – and I documented every minute of it. 

From time to time I will be sharing bits and pieces of my journals here.

I’m a little fascinated with the paranormal.

The Collingwood Arts Center is a huge facility in West Toledo that was once a monastery and women’s college. The building is fascinating and you can’t help but stare when you drive past. If there was ever a building that was haunted, this would be it. It is huge, old, and super creepy.

When my daughter was two, we rented the building for a family photo shoot. We had a fantastic time and got some great photos – many of which are still hanging in our living room. We were in awe of the building’s beauty as my daughter played running up and down the halls. 

Many of the locals here believe that the Collingwood Arts Center is haunted – some say even the most haunted building in the state. I have been in it several times and have not seen or heard anything. I’m not saying that people aren’t experiencing something when they go there – I just haven’t personally experienced anything. 

Even though I have not experienced anything paranormal at the CAC, I can’t help but feel chills every time I walk into the building just thinking of the possibility of seeing or hearing something strange. Yes, I’m admitting it – I get a little nervous when I go there. 

I don’t believe in souls or spirits but I do think there is something to it – something unknown or unexplained.

A few months ago, the popular series Ghost Hunters investigated the Collingwood Arts Center, and my husband and I couldn’t wait to watch the episode. 

I love watching shows on the paranormal but they are almost always disappointing. You’re hoping for some concrete evidence but it never happens. However, it is always interesting to learn about the history of the places being investigated.

Just like the rest, the Ghost Hunters episode on the CAC didn’t turn up any real evidence. Some noises and movements here and there – may be a few coincidences – but nothing concrete.

Despite the lack of evidence, I am still fascinated by the paranormal. I’m sure some night soon I will once again crack open a beer, put my feet up, and watch another episode of Ghost Hunters. I think it’s really interesting and I hope one day they find an explanation. 

Are you fascinated with the paranormal? Bonus points if you’ve experienced something strange yourself.

What do you want your children, younger siblings, or loved ones to inherit from you?

My daughter is a carbon copy of myself. She’s a picky eater with a short fuse who likes to draw and order things off of Amazon. That pretty much sums up my life. 

There are a few things I hope my daughter doesn’t get from me:

  1. My lack of patience.
  2. My anxiety.
  3. My spending habits.

Then maybe there are a couple I hope she does:

  1. My drive and persistence.
  2. My organization habits.

I hope my daughter doesn’t inherit my mental illness although I know it’s a possibility – mental illness runs in families. She has witnessed my symptoms, my bad days, and the effect it has on our family. All I can show her at this point is hope. I’m in treatment and there are more good days than bad.

My husband is the most stable person I know and I hope my daughter gets his disposition. He’s calm, patient, and good with people.

My daughter seems to take after so many different people in our family. She likes the outdoors like her aunt, flowers like her pop pop, and cats like her daddy. She looks like her grandma. 

Kids are fun when they’re little but I actually enjoy watching my daughter grow up. Every day we learn something new about her likes, dislikes, and personality. She’s a part of our family but becoming her own person as well.

I’m so proud of her.

For those of you with little ones in your life, what do you hope they will inherit from you? If your little ones are grown up, how did they take after your family?

A Couple of Journal Entries: Looking Forward to Discharge (Eating Disorder Recovery)

I wrote constantly during my latest round of treatment for my eating disorder. I have several journals from the experience which I am now typing out to use for a later project. The journals can be hard to look at – I experience a range of emotions. Sad because I remember what that hopelessness felt like. Empowerment because look how far I’ve come. Guilt because I left my family for two months to get treatment four hours away in Chicago. I just wanted to go home. This was written on 1/26/22:

Have you ever been away for so long that you swear you’ll never take your home for granted again?

I’ve been feeling that way lately.

I love my family but now I’m going to show them I love them even more.

I love my city but now I’m going to be the proudest Toledoan there ever was.

I’m going to play with my kitties.

I’m going to water my plants the perfect amount.

I might even clean my house.

I just want to be home.

It was very exciting when I was finally given my discharge date and had something to look forward to. It was definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.

On 1/28/22 I found out I would be officially discharged on 2/13/22.

This was written on 1/30/22:

Things I Want to Do When I Get Home:

  • Put more effort into my job. It has its moments, but for the most part, I really enjoy my job and I work for people who genuinely care for me. I have the potential to do some great things and really help people. I need to make it happen. I need to show the higher-ups that my program is important and that the grant that funds it needs to be renewed every year.
  • Spend more quality time with my daughter. There are so many times we are in the same room together and I’m not even paying attention to her. That’s got to change. My daughter needs her mom and now I see how much she misses me.
  • Take recovery seriously. I need to get connected with an outpatient team because it’s going to be really hard not to fall back into old habits and there’s no fucking way I’m going through all this again. When the thirteenth comes I’m getting the fuck out and I’m never coming back.
  • Write! Write! Write! That goes without saying. I need to give my blog more love!

Also, when I get home I’m going to be all about personal care. I’ve only shaved once in the past six weeks. I haven’t had a bush in a long time and now I’m pretty hairy. I’m going to moisturize and wash my hair. Pluck my eyebrows. I’ve really let myself go while in treatment and I know I will feel better once I do all of these things.

I can’t wait to take a bubble bath!

I recently found these two entries while typing up journal #5 (of 8) and I just thought they were a lot of fun to read now that I’ve been home for a few months.

Have I kept my promises? For the most part, I have! (Except for the house cleaning part.)

I still struggle in recovery but these journals are proof of the progress I’ve made.

I am learning about gender and respecting pronouns.

I am looking for reading recommendations and advice.

My 40th birthday is inching closer, and while I don’t consider myself old, a lot has changed since I was a young adult.

Pronouns

In the last few years, I’ve noticed people introducing themselves with their pronouns, and while I think it is a fantastic idea, I’ve only encountered it at a small handful of places.

I first encountered this when I took a class at a local university three years ago. I thought it was amazing how respectful everyone was. (Go Gen Z!) If someone didn’t know another’s pronouns they would ask. 

The second time I encountered this was a few months ago when I was a patient at a treatment center for eating disorders. We started every single therapy group by introducing ourselves with our names and pronouns. 

For some reason, I struggled with different pronouns at the treatment center. I used incorrect pronouns a few different times. As soon as I noticed it I apologized and corrected myself but I still felt like a total asshole.

I was one of the oldest patients at the treatment center but that’s still not a good excuse.

I feel bad that I can only remember a few times when people introduced themselves with their pronouns. Shouldn’t this be an everyday/everywhere thing? Maybe it would be different if I was around younger people more often.

Reading Up on Gender

So I just started reading a new book about gender. I apologized for using the wrong pronouns in treatment but I want people to know that I’m doing my best to learn more about it.

Here’s the book –

One thing I am enjoying about this book is its discussion on babies. One of the first things I person asks when you have a baby is if it’s a boy or girl. I remember when I was pregnant complete strangers asked me this question. You really can’t know a baby’s gender so you’re really just asking if it has a penis or vagina. When you break it down like that it’s pretty weird. This book includes gender-friendly baby questions which I think is helpful. I hadn’t really thought of that before.

Looking Back

I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like had gender and pronouns gotten the same attention when I was growing up as they do now. So many of my high school classmates struggled back in the day and I knew nothing about it. There have been so many revelations on Facebook in the past few years — old friends finally coming out in different ways.

Rural Ohio can be a pretty harsh place. Respecting someone for who they are could’ve gone a long way.

 

Does anyone else have any other reading suggestions on the topic?

Mixed Messages: My Secret Taste in Music

I have a secret – I like country music.

That’s right. I put it on in the car sometimes and my husband and daughter just groan.

Tim McGraw and Alan Jackson are probably my favorites.

Listening to country music (especially from the 90s) makes me think of my childhood back in rural Henry County. I’m not going to lie – growing up in the country was a lot of fun so I see no harm in wanting to relive it a little.

Obviously, I don’t agree with a lot of the messages in country music – god, guns, conservative views, etc. – but I still like the music.

In an atheist group I belong to on Facebook a woman said she listens to gospel music. She missed the music from when she used to go to church. She’s an atheist now but still likes the music. 

I’m just curious – does anyone else listen to country or gospel music? 

Does it bring back memories? I like the sound of country music but I think I listen to it mostly for nostalgia. 

Is it okay to listen to music even if you don’t like the message?

What other music are you into that may seem questionable?