End Times prepper pastor Jim Bakker dedicated his entire television program today to pitching his new line of survival coffee, telling his audience that things will get so desperate when the Last Days arrive that those who are prepared will be able to get a new car in exchange for one packet of this coffee.
Citing the passage in the Bible in which Joseph was put in charge of Pharaoh’s palace in order to prepare for a coming famine, Bakker reiterated his claim that God made Donald Trump president in order to give Christians an opportunity to prepare for the End Times … by buying Bakker’s survival products.
Oh yes, if you just have a bunch of buckets o’ yuck, everything will be just fine for all those “left behind”, you bet. I can’t imagine why Jim would care in the slightest what happens to anyone after he’s safely raptured and tucked into Jesus’s lap or whatever, so it has to come down to plain old greediness, as always.
When the End Times arrive, Bakker said, a bucket of coffee is going to be worth its weight in gold.
“What do you think that is worth if the sun don’t shine?” he asked. “What will it be worth if the power goes out and there’s no trucks running [due to an] EMP bomb or whatever they’re talking about for these Last Day events? This two gallon bucket of packs of coffee, you could trade them for whatsoever you want. You could probably get a new car for one packet of coffee.”
Uh, right. A new car which won’t run because EMP bomb and a lack of fuel, yeah? I’d rather hang onto the coffee, but not your bucket coffee, Jim. Besides, in all the hysterical depictions of “end times”, most people would be gone, disappeared into whatever, so it seems people could just help themselves to whatever they liked. I just can’t find any motivation to spend $80.00 on your crappy coffee and morning moo. Ugh.