With this offer you will receive eight (8) Freeze Dried Columbian Coffee Pouches-60 servings per pouch, one (1) Vanilla Pudding Pouch-10 servings per pouch, one (1) Morning Moo’s Low Fat Milk Pouch-20 servings per pouch.
End Times prepper pastor Jim Bakker dedicated his entire television program today to pitching his new line of survival coffee, telling his audience that things will get so desperate when the Last Days arrive that those who are prepared will be able to get a new car in exchange for one packet of this coffee.
Citing the passage in the Bible in which Joseph was put in charge of Pharaoh’s palace in order to prepare for a coming famine, Bakker reiterated his claim that God made Donald Trump president in order to give Christians an opportunity to prepare for the End Times … by buying Bakker’s survival products.
Oh yes, if you just have a bunch of buckets o’ yuck, everything will be just fine for all those “left behind”, you bet. I can’t imagine why Jim would care in the slightest what happens to anyone after he’s safely raptured and tucked into Jesus’s lap or whatever, so it has to come down to plain old greediness, as always.
When the End Times arrive, Bakker said, a bucket of coffee is going to be worth its weight in gold.
“What do you think that is worth if the sun don’t shine?” he asked. “What will it be worth if the power goes out and there’s no trucks running [due to an] EMP bomb or whatever they’re talking about for these Last Day events? This two gallon bucket of packs of coffee, you could trade them for whatsoever you want. You could probably get a new car for one packet of coffee.”
Uh, right. A new car which won’t run because EMP bomb and a lack of fuel, yeah? I’d rather hang onto the coffee, but not your bucket coffee, Jim. Besides, in all the hysterical depictions of “end times”, most people would be gone, disappeared into whatever, so it seems people could just help themselves to whatever they liked. I just can’t find any motivation to spend $80.00 on your crappy coffee and morning moo. Ugh.
If you don’t have good coffee, don’t corrupt the memory by drinking crap. I’d rather never drink anything coffee-like than survival coffee. There’s always tea :)
I don’t drink much coffee but if I were storing it for bartering AfterTheShitHitsTheFan,
I’d store whole, roasted beans.
my arse. Where they there?
:cough: Tea is far superior. I did note that Jim doesn’t give a shit about us tea drinkers, but I wouldn’t want to see horrible tea in a bucket, either. As far as coffee goes, I’m with you. We’re quite fussed about coffee, we grind fresh and all that. I would never drink survival coffee.
were
What is coffee good for, aside from waterproofing roofs, I ask you? Especially coffee like this.
Is that a dirty diaper container he’s using?
Let me check with my supplier, but I can probably get you some excellent green and black teas (loose leaf not those horrible tea bags) for only $60 per 450g box, shipping included.
(And there is no true that the black tea really is paint stripper)
Charly@#5:
What is coffee good for, aside from waterproofing roofs, I ask you?
Funny you’d ask that. There are some bladesmiths who use coffee to darken the high carbon parts of damascus -- apparently it adds contrast. I’m not going to find out. I wouldn’t want to waste good coffee and I don’t have bad coffee in my presence. So I’ll just have to use ferric chloride and bleach.
Speaking of ferric chloride and bleach: I’d rather drink those than Bakker’s covfefe substitute.
Wait, it has the ‘creamer’ already mixed in?
Well you’re stuffed if you prefer coffee black aren’t you?
@Marcus, interesting, but I think that ground oak bark should work better for that. And citric acid.
I just remembered that I use cofee as a moluscicide on slugs.
Charly@#1:
I think that ground oak bark should work better for that
And ground oak bark would probably taste better than the survival coffee!
Nothing make the apocalypse better than having a good cup of Joe.
I don’t do coffee, so I am asking because I don’t know: would you have to brew up a 60-serving pouch all at once, or is it divisible? If it is all at once, HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Who drinks 60 servings at one sitting?
I had to laugh at the label. Low fat? Sweetener? I would think in an apocalypse scenario people would be desperate for stuff like potable water and nutritious food, not a low-calorie powder. But what do I know.
Also, caffeine is good and everything, but personally I can think of better drugs, both legal and illegal, to get me through the great tribulation. “Oh, must stay awake and conscious through all this, must have coffee!” Nah…
johnson catman @ 14
One serving of instant coffee powder (which B*kker seems to be peddling) is about a tablespoon IIRC and that shit probably won’t taste any worse if the pouch is open a few weeks. If one were to drink six cups of coffee a day*, the pouch would last ten days.
__
* = Which wouldn’t be out of ordinary, at least in Finland, two cups with breakfast, one cup each in both legally mandated 12-minute coffee breaks, one as a dessert in the lunch break and one cup while working or after work. Of course, the legally mandated coffee breaks may be abolished in the End Times.
@ Nightjar, #15
Fat doesn’t keep very well, so it pretty much has to be ‘low-fat’ to have a shelf-life (potentially) measured in decades.
In general:
I’ve got several buckets of Bakker’s slop, though no coffee. I inherited them from my grandmother; I cannot fathom why (she wasn’t a right-winger by any stretch of the imagination). For many reasons, I shudder at the thought of ever having to eat them, but they’re a part of my survival supplies.
I’m pretty sure my beans (as in, beans I’ve grown) will both taste better and be more nutritious, but I don’t have enough of those to last very long. I really need to get back to gardening, but I balk at the idea of doing so just to fatten the neighborhood herd of deer.
A well stocked wine cellar might be more attractive when the apocalypse hits.
or chocolate
That too.
Just out of curiosity, I once took a closer look at the buckets. If you are really worried about survival food, you should get some airtight containers and staples for half to a third of the money.
It’s also telling that people have zero idea about the sheer volume of food they eat.
At 2000 calories a day you need about a real pound of dried staples a day. That’s 3.5 kg a week. 14 kg a month. Just for one adult.