Somewhere, Jim Bakker is furious: he’s got competition in the “post-apocalyptic tactical goop food” department.
I’m just a working class joe like you.
Britons are waking up to the realization that fracturing their global trade agreements will result in wild price fluctuations – and perhaps shortages – of staples. Rather than being sensible, and laying in a good supply of rice, ramen noodles, and heat-and-eat Indian food, some of them are turning to purveyors of long shelf-life comestibles. It’s as if “Make England Great Again” also means returning to the English cooking I remember as a child: everything boiled or fried, flavorless except for the parts that were strongly grease-flavored. As Dennis Leary said about Irish cooking, “It’s not a cuisine, it’s a penance”* Right now I am racking my brains to imagine what a long self-life Spotted Dick pudding would taste like.
[deluxe] Brexit Box is cheaper than Bakker’s “Complete Grocery Store Offer” at only £595.00 but I think that may be because the pound keeps dropping further into exchange rate hell as the final option “Clueless Brexit” looms over the horizon.
WHAT MAKES IT GREAT
- – Up to 25 Years Shelf Life
- – Best Brexit Stockpile Kit
- – UK Made
- – Not A Blend – Fully Freeze Dried Meals To Lock In Nutrition And Quality
- – Easy To Store
- – Great Nutrition
- – Great Tasting Meals
I’m not sure what “Not a Blend” means and how “fully Freeze Dried” is a feature. But that’s probably because I remember what “fully Freeze Dried” salisbury steak patties tasted like in Vietnam-era C-rations.
It’s hardly food for ultra-nationalists, though, it appears to consist of the global cuisine of “stuff that has been boiled down a long time”, AKA: textureless stew.
WHATS IN IT
For individual meal details click on each individual name. For a summary of all meals details click here.
Tins
- Macaroni Cheese – 1 Tins (10 Servings)
- Pasta Bolognaise – 1 Tin (8 Servings)
- Chicken Tikka – 1 Tin (8 Servings)
- Chicken Fajita – 1 Tin (8 Servings)
- Beef And Potato Stew – 1 Tin (6 Servings)
- Sweet And Sour Chicken– 1 Tin (8 Servings)
- Diced Chicken – 1 tin (24 portions)
- Minced Beef – 1 tin (24 portions)
- Morning Oats with Raspberry – Tin (18 Servings)
- Scrambled Egg with Cheese – 1 Tin (8 Servings)
- Chocolate Mousse 1 Tin (15 Servings)
- Rice Pudding 1 Tin (8 Servings)
I’ve had long shelf-life pasta, too. It’s pretty horrible.
I love the stove and the fuel. Do they assume that Britain will become fuel-less and forget how to make fire? If they need a fire, they can burn pound-notes and rich people’s mansions.
Sun Tzu probably would have some Brexit-appropriate quips like: “If you can talk your enemy into punching themselves in the face, you should do so.” I don’t.
I Tried To Live off Jim Bakker’s Disgusting Food for The Apocalypse at Vice.com
Vietnam-era C-rations – in basic training they would give recruits the last war’s crap food, to get rid of it without producing toxic waste in the environment. I got to eat the new “Meals, Ready To Eat” later and they were nowhere near as horrible. Army food is an example of the Overton Window in action.
* Leary probably stole that from someone who was actually funny.
I’m pretty sure that’s just a regular Spotted Dick. That shit got us through the war.
That Bolognaise sounds like the foreign stuff the Brexiters wanted to avoid. But now they can use the name on anything without origin quality restrictions.
I wonder how many pro-Brexit voters were motivated out of hate for “weird” stuff such as tikka and fajita, and how many of them realized that Brexit would have no effect on those non-EU foods? In fact, the U.K. has likely been the biggest net source of tikka and other Indian foods into the EU.
More likely, most Brexit voters wanted to just stick with pure traditional English foods including their tikkas and their Dijon mustard and their crepes, presuming they had those from pre-Norman times. What a mess.
Heinz (I think) used to make tinned puddings like spotted dick. I never tried them so can’t comment on their edibility.
It’s all just too depressing.
I’ve seen tinned spotted dick in the import aisle of our local grocery (suburb of Boston, Massachusetts). I’ve no real inclination to try it — I suspect it’s for the benefit of our rather substantial UK expatriate community.
Simpson’s spotted dick in a tin is $7 on amazon.
I’m gonna stick with baked beans.
And re: the bolognaise. Jars of marinara are cheap and last a year on the shelf. Dried pasta is a matter of keeping mice and bugs out. Dried ham or beef or salami or spam or cat food can all provide the meat flavoring.
Why does anyone feel the need to have pre-cooked spaghetti? It’s not as though pasta goes bad, but the pre-cooked stuff starts out bad!
Spag Bog belongs to every culture.
Wait, they’re selling freeze-dried, pre-cooked pasta, instead of dry pasta with a dehydrated sauce pack? Anyone who’s ever tried to reheat Kraft Dinner knows that it just never comes out well.
Marcus,
1960 thru 1972, when I was a paid hit man for uncle sugar in USAEUR, we got WW2 C rations when on field exercises and B rations in the mess, after a while they started supplementing the B rations with Nacarima Indian and “local” produce. One poignant incident, we were using WW2 winter gear and I had to draw a “new” , 1940s, sleeping bag. When I unrolled it there was a slip of paper in it with a name and a kiss lip print. I forget the name but still wonder what became of the woman who packed the bag.
Thanks for surviving your service,
Robert
Robert Estrada@#9:
Don’t thank me – I was in on a 6yr enlistment and stopped showing up after 3yrs of bullshit (I was in the active reserves). The company commander threatened me with all sorts of things but I realized after a while that he really had no idea what he could do to me. So, I stopped going to drills and every month I got a letter saying I was an unsatisfactory participant and it was noted on my record. Then, one day, there was a rolled up tube in my mailbox, and in it was an honorable discharge.
All these doomsday peepers are seriously going to rue the day they bought all those MRE’s. Haven’t any of them seen the “Tremors” documentary series?
That was supposed to be “preppers”, but I think autocorrect came out ahead, for once.
Marcus,
HA! My best friend and I had major fun skating the edge with dim officers. My favorite memory is of standing in front of the Battalion XO while he screamed at me in an apoplectic rage because he could not touch me as I was not in his chain of command and, while I had made him look like an idiot, I was right on the regs. What I would like to have seen was my company commander, a field promoted Marine Captain from the Korean war, talk to my Platoon leader, a 1st LT, about directly ordering me to leave my weapon in the arms room, a court martial offence. I wonder why we have done so badly, ignoring the political aspect, and am sad for the troops who are sent out into chaos.
Robert
How many endtimes can there be??
I’m just too depressed about Brexit so may I please cheer myself up by laughing at Bakker’s hat?
Is there a chain of shops in the US called Evangelists-R-Us or did he embroider that cross on there himself?
call me mark@#15:
Is there a chain of shops in the US called Evangelists-R-Us or did he embroider that cross on there himself?
There are lots of people on Etsy who offer embroidery as a cloud service (EAACS) There are lots of sellers on ebay that offer pink velour baseball caps. It’s tempting to get one embroidered to be all tactical and stuff.
@ 14 rq
How many endtimes can there be?
As many as it takes till the last mug is fleessed.