Have some cats

It’s self-care weekend, so I’m trying to avoid the news for a bit to nurse my poor tortured brain.

Have some cats.

 

 

 

And an original of my roommate’s cat, who decided I needed an assistant while practicing rope bondage:

bondage assistant

Bonus video:

-Shiv

Breaking news: An incredible atheist falls in forest; blames trees for being in way

PJ Dirk, who blags under the pseudonym An Incredible Atheist, shares a devastating story about how this one time, he tripped in the woods, so all forests should be burned to the ground. Check out our EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW through AtG News:

“I’m not racist arbourist,” he says the moment I hit record. “Arbourism is wrong, but if trees think they can call me arbourist, then they’re fucking weeds! I’M NOT ARBOURIST!”

[Weeds, of course, being a slur against blacks plants]

“Forests are just part of a victim culture. They’re tripping over themselves to pin clear cutting on humans,” he says, perhaps unaware of the irony in his choice of words.

“But what about the evidence that humans are clear cutting forests?” I ask him.

“You know, I was mistaken when I said black forest culture was almost a victim cult. I should have said outright that it was a victim cult.”

“We have a tree that claims you kicked its roots,” I say, playing a recorded clip from the previous interview.

“Well it’s wrong. The tree tripped me. Obviously I’m not arbourist.”

“How do you justify telling a tree what constitutes arbourism?” I ask.

“Easy. I got the first question on the test right, which means I’m obviously right about the rest of the test. I failed in school, but that’s only because my teachers didn’t recognize my genius. Trees just have to stop blaming people when they get cut down.”

You can watch the rest of the interview here:

Baby Crying

This EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW brought to you by AtG News.

I’m your anchor, Shiv, and remember folks: Always look both ways before crossing the road, brush your teeth after eating sweets, and there’s absolutely no way at all in any conceivable reality that An Amazing Incredible Atheist is arbourist nope nosiree nothing to see here.

3 ways to celebrate Canada Day properly

Canadians take their national birthday very seriously, and being clocked as a foreigner can be dangerous. If you happen to be an expat living in Canada, follow these simple steps to ensure you celebrate your Canada Day properly in order to avoid the mild-mannered scorn of Canucks.

  1. Order poutine:  Ensure your poutine has been made with cheese curds. If it’s made with shredded cheese, send it back. Ensure your poutine’s gravy is hot enough to melt the cheese curds, if it’s not, send it back. Ensure your poutine is made with proper thick chip fries and not slim snaky fast food tries, if it isn’t, send it back. Make it clear you’re disappointed with the establishment, but remember to say “please” and “thank you.” Bonus points if you can get the waiter to make a “sorry mom” face. Acceptable variants from standard poutine include vegetarian gravy or a combination with a cultural dish (i.e. butter chicken poutine)–we are multicultural after all.
  2. Wear plaid: You don’t want to be mistaken for an American.
  3. Drink beer: Literally anything but American beer.

Common punishments for violating these screeds include: 1) Disappointed head-shaking; 2) Well-intended lectures; 3) Strongly worded letters; and 4) Issuing apologies to other Canadians on your behalf in order to shame you.

Additional regional customs might modify expectations for Canada Day:

  • Speak French. Anglophones are not well received in certain parts of the country.
  • Speak English. Francophones are not well received in certain parts of the country.
  • Mock America.
  • Praise the Queen.
  • Scorn the Queen.
  • Mistake Aussies for Brits and vice versa.
  • Mistake Parisians for Quebecois and vice versa.

All in all, issue apologies often and preemptively, and you’ll likely be accepted as a Canuck.

-Shiv

Source: Scandinavia and the World

Breaking news: Wildrose concurs with decent idea; Shiv is shocked

In a “pinch yourself to make sure you’re awake” moment, the Dickweed Wildrose Party has conceptually agreed with the NDP to place a limitation on how much any given company can donate to political parties, even if they disagree on the exact limit:

Each party had made submissions to the legislature’s special committee on ethics and accountability, which is reviewing provincial election laws along with whistleblower and conflict of interest legislation.

Alberta currently has a $15,000 annual limit on donations to parties and a $1,000 cap on donations to a single constituency association, with a limit of $5,000 total to constituency associations, with those amounts doubling in an election year.

The amounts are among the highest in Canada and far exceed the federal donation limit, which is currently $1,525 to a party and $1,525 in total to constituency associations.

In the NDP’s proposal, the party calls for a $4,000 cap on total annual donations to Alberta political entities, while the Wildrose party wants a $5,000 limit on contributions to parties.

Jessica Littlewood, the NDP MLA who chairs the ethics and accountability committee, said she wouldn’t speculate about the impact of the parties’ submissions on the committee.

But while no decisions have yet been made about amounts, there is a consensus among committee members that lowering the donation limit is a priority, she said.

With America’s big money giving us a splendid example of why it’s important to keep a leash on corporate lobbyists, I am thrilled to see my provincial government agree on a problem. I don’t think I care about the difference between a $4,000 cap and a $5,000 one, but the fact that the Wildrose Party isn’t immediately flailing in their seats is… remarkably restrained, by their standards.

So credit where credit’s due, I guess: Good job Wildrose Party, for not whining about the NDP’s good idea, even if the finer points of the policy have to be settled.

This was, for the record, another of Notley’s campaign promises. She seems to be doing pretty well so far. Only issue I’ve got my eye on is how she handles negotiations with First Nations affected by her pipeline proposal(s).

-Shiv

British insults are the best insults

Or should I say Scottish insults?

On Friday, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trumptweeted something—stop me if you’ve heard this before—truly stupid:

Trump’s tweet is even more ignorant than usual, as Scotland voted 62% to 38% to remain in the European Union. It was on the losing side of the vote.

Luckily, Twitter was there to remind Trump of the facts. And it did so with a veritable waterfall of sweet, vicious, very British replies. Let’s go to the tape!

 

Trans Comedienne on America’s Got Talent

Julia Scotti auditioned for America’s Got Talent with a stand-up routine, and received unanimous approval from the panel:

New Jersey comedian Julia Scotti wowed the audience on America’s Got Talent Tuesday night when she took to the stage to do some stand up. But did she wow the judges?

“In addition to being old, fat, single and broke – in my 401k I have enough for about a month and a half of Netflix – I’m a complete and utter physical wreck. My primary care doctor is a paleontologist.”

The hilarous 63-year-old brought the crowd to their feet, which brought her to tears. When asked by the judges why it took her so long to pursue her passion, she candidly opened up. “Well, for the first 28 years of my life, I was known as Rick Scotti. So this is big for me,” she said.

Although some of the judge’s comments were wildly inappropriate, I am pleased to see Scotti get attention from whatever sliver of Americans watch America’s Got Talent–positive representation of trans people is crucial at this time, and Scotti swept a harshly critical panel to boot.

-Shiv

Cat Jobs

It’s another Facebook video, unfortunately, and I still don’t know how well they play with people who aren’t logged in. But it’s adorable af.

Cat jobs.

-Shiv

Political roundup: Albertan values edition

In case y’all ever wonder why I hate this Province, I present a reminder: a picture of a target made in the likeness of the Albertan Premier, Rachel Notley, was posted by the organizer of an oilmen’s golf tournament yesterday afternoon:

An organizer of a golf tournament says he’s not sorry for putting up a target displaying a photo of Premier Rachel Notley’s face on a golf course.

Ernest Bothi, president of the Brooks Big Country Oilmen’s Association, said the sign was displayed at a tournament held Friday at the Brooks Golf Club.

He said the photo of Notley was placed intentionally and was meant to be a target. Although he said no one actually hit the display, Bothi defended his right to have it there.

Oh Dog, not another one. Get yer bingo cards!

It’s called freedom of speech.

*stamps freeze peach*

“I’m the president of the organization. I take full responsibility for it. And I did it because I see a lot of frustrated people out there,” Bothi said.

*stamps psychological projection*

“The picture was just a headshot. It wasn’t anything of a lewd nature. We just went out, everybody played 18 holes. That was it.”

*stamps Mansplaining*

Bothi said that the group members of the Brooks Big Country Oilmen’s Association playing in the tournament are “fed up” with people being out of work and the increased cost of living.

*stamps misattribution error*

“This has nothing to do with a physical attack. We didn’t burn her in effigy or anything like that. We just wanted to release some steam,” Bothi said. “It’s just, enough’s enough.”

*stamps denialism*

Important observation: Bothi has exactly zero pending criminal charges laid against him. He is free to be a fucking asshat, just as we are free to call him one. Seriously, stop misusing the term freedom of fuck mothering speech.

Implying violent acts through the use of an identifiable target is pretty much always tasteless. Doubly tasteless right now, considering a British MP was recently assassinated for her policy. Triply tasteless, because violence against women is still epidemic in the West. I’m not sure what part of “haha, I blow off steam by fantasizing about violence against you” is funny.

Derek Fildebrandt, the Dickweed Wildrose MLA who apologized for getting caught endorsing a transphobic & homophobic comment without reading it, responds:

[Read more…]