A Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

When I started skipping meals at eleven years old, I had no idea I would still be struggling with a devastating eating disorder nearly thirty years later.

I am truly sorry for that.

I abused you for decades and yet you survived. If only my mind was as resilient as my body.

I have a hard time calling you beautiful. I’m working on it but I’m not there yet. However, I recognize that I have just as many likes as dislikes when it comes to your appearance. I don’t like my belly, thighs, or arms but I do like my short stature, lips, and curly hair. 

Your strength is undeniable. You grew a baby inside of me and brought my daughter into the world. It was an amazing experience and I’m so happy to be a mother.

As I progress in my recovery, I reflect on everything I’ve put you through and how amazing you truly are. Thank you for keeping me alive.

My 40th birthday is approaching and I am grateful for the time you have given me. I am developing healthier habits and I promise to treat you better in the years to come.

Here’s to finally showing you some love. You deserve every bit of it.

Love,
Me

An SOS from a red state – I’m losing hope.

When I was younger, Ohio was a swing state and often very influential in elections. We have since turned red. It’s pretty hard to believe that our state once voted for Obama. 

What happened?

I don’t often write about politics because I really don’t want to get into fights with people, but I have something to get off of my chest.

I’m losing hope.

Obviously, I’m not a fan of Republicans. And although I usually vote for Democrats, I’m not a huge fan of that party, either.

With the rise of Bernie and AOC, I thought I would see some real changes made but it feels like their movement has lost momentum. My husband and I donated time and money to their campaigns and felt a tiny bit of hope.

What happened?

My husband and I struggle with everything from student loans to childcare costs. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that this is just how things are and any chances of relief are pretty bleak. 

My husband has a very stressful job and he doesn’t get breaks. There is nothing in Ohio’s laws that requires employers to give their workers breaks. How ridiculous is that? 

Don’t even get me started on my maternity leave.

My husband is very passionate and vocal about politics, often fighting with family and friends on social media.

I’m not as loud, but I still care. I’m just losing hope.

 

Where do you stand? Do you think things will ever change?

Intruder (more lovesick poetry)

Intruder

 

Real-world interrupted.
Every waking moment stolen.
Last night you invaded my dreams.
You’re an intruder in my life –
my distracted brain a hostage.
Is my restless mind a curse
or a guilty pleasure?
You’re unbearable
and intoxicating.
Everything else can wait
because I love every minute of it.
I don’t want to let you go
but I never really had you in the first place.

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter — No. 30 “Spring Program”

Dear daughter,

Tonight is your spring program at school and I know you’re nervous as hell. You’ve been saying so for weeks.

My best advice for tonight – just get it over with. No matter what happens tonight, your family is so proud of you.

Kindergarten is almost over. Soon you’ll be a first grader! Here are some things I’ve learned about you this year:

  1. You hate homework.
  2. You have a lot of people young and old who adore you.
  3. You love animals and want to be a zookeeper. 
  4. You can eat your weight in applesauce.

I hope you enjoyed your first year at school, but buckle up because there’s still so much more to come. 

Learning doesn’t just take place in the classroom – it happens everywhere! Learn as much as you can about the world around you. Pop Pop got us memberships to the zoo and science museum so we will be spending lots of time there this summer as well.

Congratulations on making it through kindergarten!

Love,
Mom

Are there any aspects of your faith that you miss?

For those of you that were once religious, is there any aspect of your faith that you miss?

The Outsider

Growing up, most of my friends went to church. Some of my friends were even the children of pastors. We lived in a pretty conservative area. While my parents considered themselves Christian, we did not go to church (except for an occasional wedding or funeral) and it was not forced upon me.

I was always an outsider. My friends had confirmation and vacation bible camp – things I knew nothing about. All of my friends were people I went to school with but they had a whole nother community in their church.

I have to admit, I may have been a little jealous.

I sometimes went to church services with my friends and I never got it. I didn’t enjoy it and I definitely didn’t understand it. However, I tagged along to a couple of youth group activities and they were actually kind of fun. 

I knew I would never fit in and unfortunately, I felt like I was missing out.

A Question for the Formerly Faithful

Obviously today I want nothing to do with religion. I don’t fit in and I don’t care. For once, I like being an outsider.

For those things I thought I was missing out on – do you miss any aspects of your religion? The community? Some comfort?

It’s kind of funny to me now because I’m still friends on Facebook with many of the people I grew up with and most of them are still religious. I just thought they would all grow out of it.

One of my friends goes to a church with cardio drumming. Now I know I’m definitely missing out!

 

Eating Disorder Recovery Update — Plus a Request!

As many of you know, I recently spent two months at a treatment center for eating disorders. Here’s a little update on how things are going.

The Dreaded Meal Plan

I am still following a meal plan because my hunger and satiety cues have not yet returned making it impossible to eat intuitively. Some days it is really difficult to follow my meal plan. I want to sleep in instead of eat breakfast. I have to eat every couple of hours and sometimes it is just too much. I have a journal where I keep track of everything I eat including what I skip. I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t forever. 

The Journals

I wrote a lot while I was in treatment – six journals worth to be exact. I’m now going through and typing out the journal entries. Sometimes it’s really hard to read. I was in a bad place and treatment was really difficult – gut-wrenching even. Other times it’s empowering to read. I’ve come a long way. I can’t wait to get the journals typed out and get organized but it’s going to take a long time. Like I said, I wrote a lot. I am trying to type out one entry a day and so far I’m only on journal #3.

The Family

I am so lucky. I have lots of family support. My dad is always willing to help out and my husband is so patient. My whole family is happy that I’m home and healthy. At first, I was paranoid that everyone was watching me while I ate, but last Friday we had a family dinner at my dad’s house and I was able to relax and enjoy the meal and company.

The New Hobby

I started experimenting with cooking while I was in treatment – something I never really did in the past. The first dish I made was coconut chicken curry and it has now become one of my favorite meals. I love trying to make new recipes and I’ve bought so many new pans and utensils. My dad’s girlfriend came over and helped me reorganize my kitchen to make cooking easier for me. 

The New Life

I was very sick when I went to treatment – mentally and physically – and I am so grateful to be healthy. I feel great. I’m back to my routines at home and work but it’s definitely a new normal. I need to stay on track but also give myself grace. Recovery is an ongoing journey, not an endpoint, and I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

The Request

I need new things to try! Please show me your favorite recipes!

 

Dust — Lovesick Poetry

Today I am sharing a poem about fantasizing about someone you can’t have and then fearing they find out. The imagination is a powerful thing…

Dust

Doubts and questions stew,
nerves boil in my belly.
I watched your every move.
Is my secret now transparent?
A passionate scandal
fabricated in the depths of my imagination –
a few scattered fragments
barely sewn into reality.
A lover just out of reach disappears.
I fear rejection.
I fear the unknown.
Mountains turn to dust
and blow away –
I feel a deep loss
for something I never had.
Let me pick up the pieces
of my very real heart.
You meant the world
when all along it was nothing.

Sexist Crafting and Homophobic Chicken – What Businesses Do You Boycott?

It’s really quite unfortunate that capitalism fuses itself with politics and social issues. Sometimes I don’t know how to fight back other than not give them my business. Money is what matters most to them, right?

That Online Giant

I am often amazed by Amazon and order from there often. You can order just about anything you want and it shows up on your doorstep one to two days later. How do they do that?

My husband avoids Amazon as much as possible. It seems to be a morals vs. convenience situation and he took the high road.

My husband is very passionate about politics and social justice, and workers’ rights are very important to him.

But There Are Others…

My husband will not fill up at a BP station. He will drive to another part of town if he has to. This goes back to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010.

He’s not alone in boycotting businesses. I do it, too.

I will not shop at Hobby Lobby or eat at Chick-fil-A. I’ve avoided those businesses for years. 

Chick-fil-A is very popular where we live and I stew in my anger every time I go by and see their drive-thru line so long that it’s spilling out into the street. 

Hobby Lobby is easy for me to avoid. I shopped there occasionally before the insurance and birth control issues and I was always annoyed by the plethora of Christian items. Besides, Michael’s is better anyway. 

 

I would love to hear what businesses you avoid.