Navigating life with schizoaffective disorder has left me with more questions than answers. I’ve had this mental illness most of my life and still don’t have it figured out. I have a hard time – more than what I let people see.

When you have a mental illness it’s easy to feel different, maybe even like an outcast, but how different am I truly from the average person?

I tell my story through art and writing, and I’ve always got this sense that people don’t understand or they understand all too well…like there’s not much in between. 

My emotions are very intense. Are yours? Are my feelings really any different than anyone else’s?

Of course, I feel like people treat me differently, especially if they know my diagnosis, but are there times when I want to be treated differently? My employer often makes accommodations for me, but I’d like to think they would do that for anyone who needed it. I work for a mental health organization and my boss and coworkers are very understanding. I feel like it would be difficult for me to work outside of the mental health field.

My mental illness is mentioned in my artist statement. It not only affects the subject of my paintings but also the way I make my paintings. I always hope people will find my story interesting, but as an artist, I really don’t know if it has affected whether or not people accept my work. 

On the other hand, I’ve dealt with a lot of stigma, from strangers and even my family. Why are people so judgemental? I want to prove the stigma wrong, and despite everything I do and have accomplished, some people won’t even give me a chance. It’s best to stay away. 

So maybe feeling different has had both positive and negative experiences for me.

Do you feel like you’re different? Do you want to be different? How does it affect you? I’m sure different people deal with all kinds of stereotypes. I know I’m not alone in this but it still hurts nonetheless. Most of us have probably felt judged, left out, or like the black sheep at some point in our lives.

Do you have the confidence to be different and thrive? Do you believe in your abilities? 

Do you need to be different to be successful? Does it pay to be different but not too different?

Are you unapologetically you? How do you stay true to yourself in a world full of judgment? 

How do I teach my daughter to do the same?

 

I would love to hear your stories, whether you have a diagnosis or label or not. How do you feel different and how does it affect your life?

Recovery is making a choice…

to respect your mind and body,

to protect your peace,

to choose who and what matters in your life,

to acknowledge your shortcomings,

to know you don’t have to smile all the time,

to celebrate the strength you never knew you had,

to say no,

to relish in your freedom,

to surrender when needed,

to know when to ask for help,

to accept support from others,

to cherish what’s important,

to know it’s okay to not be okay,

to show love to yourself and others,

to build your future and let go of the past,

to show gratitude,

to forgive yourself,

to turn your dreams into goals,

to not apologize for wanting your needs met,

to know god is not responsible for your success,

to give yourself credit,

to be kind,

to promise to hold on a little longer,

to make it through another day,

to move forward from here.

 

What does choosing recovery mean to you? Please add to my list!

Is there a pie chart for happiness? Do all the pieces have to fall into place? Is it some sort of secret formula – a combination of relationships, careers, and interests? Can one area compensate for the shortcomings of another area?

Those are some big questions.

I’m not really a happy person, but I’m also not that sad either. My pieces have never fallen into place but somehow things always work out and I’m grateful for that.

So what makes a person happy?

Distractions

I’m guessing having the ability to accept things just how they are is near the top of the list (below having your needs met). I’m not very good at that one. I always want bigger and better things, especially when it comes to my creative pursuits. No accomplishment is ever enough. I always want more. I’m not sure it that’s good or bad.

I always think things will be better if I reach the next goal. Then the next goal and the next goal. It’s really never-ending.

But I wonder if my ambitions are just a distraction from everything else going on in my life. Sure, I love to write and create art, but am I missing something else? Do I have a relentless drive or am I actually unsatisfied in other areas?

I just feel it (or I) will never be enough. 

Helping Others

Does helping others make you happier?

I work in a helping profession and I have made some connections that are very meaningful in my life. But helping others also brings up some questions. What’s your motivation?

Ultimately, are you serving yourself or others? Which makes you happier, helping others to feel good or to look good?

I bring this up because I’ve always been disgusted at Christians who help others “in the name of god.” “Helping others in the name of god” is code for I’m trying to score points to get into heaven. Sure, they’ll give you free food from their pantry, but they’re going to make you sit through a sermon first. They’re taking advantage of vulnerable people for what is ultimately their gain.

I’m getting off my soapbox now.

In my case, it’s both – I serve myself as well as others. I facilitate art and writing groups for people struggling with mental health issues. I love creating art and writing poetry but it’s even better getting to share that passion with others. In our groups, I grow as an artist and writer along with everyone else. I’ve gained a lot of confidence from the group and I hope they feel the same way. Sometimes we collaborate and it’s amazing what we can do together. I don’t even know how to put it into words. The atmosphere just feels magical. It’s truly a win-win for everyone involved. 

My job makes me happier. It’s a noticeable difference between when I work and when I have days off. Not only does it feel good helping others, but also just feeling productive in general.

Do you notice that, too?

Taking Care of Yourself

Taking care of yourself is probably at the top of the list, too – going for walks, eating enough food, seeing your doctor, taking medications as prescribed, etc. These are definitely things I need to work on. I take my medications on schedule every day but I tend to blow off appointments and not get enough physical activity.

But this goes beyond a physical sense.

Are people who set boundaries and say “no” happier? I’d like to think so. Standing your ground and sticking up for yourself and your needs shows you know your worth. 

I think knowing that you have worth is key.

Knowing how and when to ask for help has been important to my happiness. My life is intense and I mostly blame my mental illness. But through medication and therapy, I’ve learned to cope with my symptoms. Had I never asked for help (or continued to ask for help when needed) I would either be in a very dark place or dead. 

Gratitude

I’ve told you a little about my gratitude journal before. Every few days I make a list, usually of ten to twenty items, that I am grateful for that day. I know it sounds corny, but it really does help me. I learned this coping tool last year during my training to become a certified trauma support specialist. According to my instructor, there are studies that show that happier people tend to feel more gratitude than others.

Have you ever tried something like that? Do you journal?

Writing in my gratitude journal definitely helps me keep a positive outlook, and while I never actually looked up the studies, I believe my instructor. I think gratitude can play a big role in happiness.

My husband and I struggle financially and when I feel like I don’t have anything, my gratitude journal tells me otherwise. I know money isn’t everything but it’s hard to tell that to someone who has trouble keeping up with their bills. But on the other hand, I don’t need money to know how grateful I am for my family as well as many other non-materialistic things. 

I have a lot of good things in my life despite my troubles. Maybe this realization is important in my quest for happiness.

I know we all feel a range of emotions and that’s healthy, so maybe “satisfied” is a little more descriptive and accurate than “happy”. But I’m sure you know what I mean.

How do you feel about happiness and the ways to go about attaining it? We all have our ups and downs, but would you consider yourself happy? Or something else?

Things are definitely not perfect, but they probably never will be. Is happiness living in the moment or seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?

Do you remember your relationships when you were a teenager? I swore I was in love. When I was nineteen, I moved from Ohio to California with my boyfriend. Moving had been my idea and when we got to California, it was pretty clear that he didn’t want to be there. The relationship fell apart soon after and he moved back home.

Why would he agree to such a drastic change if he really didn’t want to do it? (I’m going to ask myself that question in a minute.)

My next boyfriend was Jewish and his family was unhappy that I wasn’t. At the time, I didn’t consider myself an atheist yet, but I was definitely turned off by religion in general. Despite my true feelings, I started taking classes to convert to Judaism. My boyfriend’s parents were paying for them, of course. 

I didn’t want to be Jewish so why the hell did I agree to convert? (I never followed through, by the way.) 

Many years later I met my husband. Our relationship is different from any of my other relationships because we didn’t have to change for each other. Our similarities and differences seem to balance us out.

Influence can be positive or negative, but what if you lose yourself in the process?

I know someone who is heavily influenced by the women he’s with. He takes on their traits and it can be good or bad depending on the woman. It’s been going on for so long that it makes me wonder if I truly know who he is as an individual. 

How do you contribute to a meaningful relationship if you’re not being authentic?

Is it possible to be easily influenced because you just don’t know what you want?

What makes a person easily influenced? I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve developed a stronger sense of self. I’m not saying it’s always easy to be authentic but I’ve learned that it’s harder not to. Does a less–developed sense of self make you susceptible to the influence of others?

How do you get to know yourself outside of the influence of others? I spend a lot of time alone and have had lots of time to think about the things I want. Being alone has allowed me to develop my sense of self which has given me a confidence I didn’t have when I was younger. 

Does age affect how easily influenced you are?

One thing I regret is not living alone. When I was in my twenties I had an apartment near campus for a very short time, but other than that I lived with my parents or a boyfriend. Had I taken more time to get to know myself back then, I’m sure it would have had an impact on my relationships and goals.

What do you think? Have your partner, family, or friends influenced you in some way? Do you stay true to yourself? What makes a person influenced or influential?

My eating disorder damaged many aspects of my life, but they say when you’re in recovery, the body image issues are the last to go. At the moment, I am really exploring my feelings and beliefs about body acceptance. An eating disorder is made up of many different components, and this is an area I want to focus on. 

Here are a few thoughts on body acceptance and positivity.

Body Acceptance

Back in my heyday, I dated men of all different sizes, races, backgrounds, religions, etc. I was an equal-opportunity girlfriend and I learned from everyone. I came to a point where I decided I really like nerds and that was my only real preference.

Why is it that when I was younger and dating around, I didn’t really care about the shape or size of the men I was seeing, however, I was very concerned about my own shape and size? I’m sure many people probably feel the same way I did. Why do we hold ourselves to a different standard?

I am more accepting of my body now than I was when I was younger – even though I am much bigger now than I was back then. I can thank my therapist for that. She said I need to have radical acceptance – my body is what it is. I will never be thin – especially with my very necessary medications – and that’s not my fault. That sort of acceptance is a hard pill to swallow, but strangely, also a relief. 

A Double Standard?

I recently noticed something. With the body positivity movement we are seeing more representation of plus-sized women in the media and fashion, but why does it seem men in the media haven’t changed at all? As a woman, I am often given the message, “All shapes and sizes are beautiful”, but I never see that applied to men. Even the mannequins in Target display plus-sized clothing in the women’s section, but I’m not seeing the same across the aisle in the men’s section. 

Are people now more accepting of larger women than larger men?

I brought this to my husband’s attention and he said men don’t care that much about how their bodies look. Is that true? I know men – loved ones – who were bullied as kids for being fat so you can’t tell me it doesn’t matter.

Obviously, women feel a lot of pressure about their looks, more so than men, but is it possible that the body positivity movement is leaving people out? Seeing women my size in the media really does help me. I think everyone deserves that representation.

My husband and I have ongoing conversations about body image and he always knows what to say to not only challenge me but also encourage me. At least I’m not on this journey alone.

I know this is a really personal question, but how do you feel about your body? Do you care what others think? What was it like when you were young? Does acceptance get easier with age? 

In my hour of desperation, all I can do is write, but I’m keeping this short and sweet.

It’s been a rough day.

My eating disorder is an everyday battle. It’s so hard to keep fighting, but I don’t have a choice. There are tools I can use, but I’m exhausted. I need to use my last little spark to push forward. 

Society’s judgments and my unsupportive family weigh me down but I’m realizing my strength and learning I have a voice. I’m not looking for a normal life; I just want to be healthy and functional. You haven’t walked in my shoes – nor I in yours – but I don’t need your understanding; I need your kindness and grace.

To everyone in recovery – no matter what from – I see you and tomorrow is a new day. Let’s keep going. 

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my early twenties and my main focus at the time was recovery. After a few years, my symptoms were managed and I decided I wanted to help others, so I got a part-time job at a group home. I have now been working in the mental health field for sixteen years. I have had jobs at three different organizations and I’m passionate about my work.

I am a certified peer supporter and last year I also became certified in trauma support. The training in trauma support was intense and took several months. There were many hours of training videos and sixteen weeks of trainings via Zoom.

To my surprise, becoming certified in trauma support was less about taking care of others and more about taking care of myself. The main takeaway was that you can’t care for others if you are not well.

During my training, I learned about meditation, relaxation, grounding, and gratitude. Sometimes we started our Zoom meetings by writing down five to ten things we’re grateful for. We were told that happier people tend to show more gratitude. At first, it was difficult to come up with that many things. I would write down my family and job but it was hard to think of more. As time went on, it got a little easier.

I recently was feeling down and I remembered our exercises in gratitude. Does it truly make you happier? So two weeks ago I started a gratitude journal and I’ve been writing down at least ten things every day. I include the big things like my family, my job, art, and writing but also little things like good-smelling hair products, peacock blue paint, and my house plants. Those last few things may seem insignificant, but they really do bring me joy. 

I have to admit, it has boosted my mood. The last two weeks have given me a more positive outlook. I think I’m going to keep going with the journal and see if I notice anything else.

One thing I didn’t expect is that in a way my journal helps me celebrate my atheism. Every time I make a list of things I’m grateful for I realize I can truly appreciate my life and the world around me without having to credit a deity, and it feels amazing. 

My gratitude journal is really cute. It’s fuzzy and has a panda on it. I bought it at the book fair at my daughter’s school. Can I be grateful for my gratitude journal?

Gratitude exercises may seem a little cheesy, but I think it actually helps. I just wanted to share in case anyone needs a little boost and wants to give it a shot.

 

I would love to read what you guys are grateful for.

Last year I spent two months at a treatment center for eating disorders, and after I was discharged, I spent a lot of time writing about it. I even shared some of my heavy journal entries with you. It’s been over a year and things have settled down. I want to update you and show you where I’m at.

I see a therapist every week. That hasn’t changed except for a break for a few weeks – my therapist is on maternity leave. At every appointment, my therapist does blind weights and my weight has been stable for the entire time I’ve been home. My therapist says that’s proof that I’m doing something right.

Accepting my body exactly as it is has been the most challenging part. My therapist says I need radical acceptance – it is what it is. For once in my life, I don’t feel guilty for the way my body looks. Judged? Yes. But guilty? No. Unfortunately, this breakthrough didn’t come until I got away from some judgemental people in my life. 

I’ve struggled with eating disorders for nearly thirty years, but on top of that, I have schizoaffective disorder and my medications have caused significant weight gain. I almost doubled in size. I find body shaming very hurtful because you never know what a person has going on. It’s not always food that makes you fat and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s incredible how narrow-minded people are when it comes to how a body should look. I know because I was once one of them. Bottom line – everyone’s different and you should mind your own business. If you can’t be supportive you shouldn’t open your mouth.

I’ve been feeling really good physically. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full but I still have trouble trying new foods. Something really simple that made me feel good about myself was just having clothes that fit really well. I’m not going to lie – I spend a lot of time in leggings and hoodies – but I’m trying to branch out a little bit. I bought this cute jean jacket that feels like it was made for my body. I want to wear it every day. This may be TMI – I recently bought a couple of really nice bras that fit well. Do you know how hard it is to find a bra that fits well? It changed my life! I feel good in my clothes and it boosts my confidence. 

I’ve spent so much time looking to the future – when I lose weight, I’ll look better. When I get this or that done, I’ll look better. But you know what? I look cute just as I am right now. No need to wait for the future; I’m going to enjoy the moment now.

My recovery journey has been long, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, and life-changing. It can be really painful but I still feel I need to share my story with you. I find purpose in wanting to help others as much as I help myself. I want to stay honest and authentic to show you the real picture of an eating disorder and I really do hope it can promote some understanding.

It’s been a rough year and I want to thank you for your support.

How do you feel about body acceptance? What has your journey been like?

My husband describes me as intense – and he’s absolutely right. That’s exactly how I feel most of the time. It can be unnerving and I don’t know if it’s worse for me or the people around me. But despite the emotional war in my head, I try my best to be pleasant and polite – after all, I’m still a Midwesterner. 

I think my intensity stems from a lot of things – my mental illness, my personality, past experiences, etc. However, I can’t think of one singular event that left me feeling this way. In fact, I don’t ever remember not feeling this way.

Did this get worse with age? Maybe. Everything became more intense when I became a parent. I love my playful, spunky little girl, but motherhood came with a million new things to be anxious about as well as a few crippling bouts of depression. I find relief in knowing I am not alone in this. For once in my life, I’m not the odd one out because I’m sure many other parents feel the same way.

Even though I experience overwhelming highs and lows, I don’t always see it as a bad thing. I’m a very passionate person. When I’m interested in something, I grab ahold and give it two thousand percent. I’m organized, driven, and ambitious and I will just run with it. I’m proud of my accomplishments – accomplishments that probably would have never happened if I wasn’t this intense. 

I don’t mean to be dramatic but that seems to be how my brain interprets everything. Some days I wish I could turn it off or at least down a couple of notches, but I can’t. I feel fragile and anticipate that whatever happens next is going to break me.

Then again, some days I really see the positive aspects of my intensity. I accept it and wouldn’t change it — maybe even view it as a strength. I want everyone to feel my intensity through my art and writing. I think if you took it away I would be pretty boring. It’s just a part of me and I wouldn’t be the same without it. 

Can anyone relate? How do your loved ones describe you? If your highs and lows were amplified, would you find a way to use them to your benefit? If you have a mental illness like me, how do you separate your illness from your personality? Do you have the magical ability to relax?