I’ve done a lot of work on body image since going into treatment for my eating disorder. Sometimes I want to work on accepting my body just as I am right now and other times I just want to focus on other aspects of my life. For example, I’m a writer – that has nothing to do with my looks. I feel both tactics are valid and I’ve come a long way.
Here is a journal entry I found from when I just started treatment.
12/21/21 – Day Six
Is there a way to be a big girl and own it? Fuse it with your being to where it’s not even an issue – it’s just you?
It seems like people with big personalities can pull it off – but that just isn’t me.
I care a lot about what I look like.
There. I said it.
I always think my life would be better if I was thin. But is that just a shitty excuse? There’s really no reason why my life can’t be better now. I know firsthand that skinny doesn’t equal happiness, so why do I still give a fuck?
I tend to focus on how I might look in the future. When I lose weight I’ll do this or that. I’ll travel. I’ll meet people. I’ll promote my books and look good doing it.
Why am I not doing these things now? Why do I always have to wait?
My husband thinks I’m beautiful and I wish he would tell me that more often. Unfortunately, I need reassurance.
Does it matter if anyone else thinks I’m beautiful?
Of course, it does. Me. I need to think I’m beautiful.
However, beauty is only the surface. There are much deeper issues that fuel my eating disorder.
As an atheist, I find myself often sporting a “you only live once” attitude. Maybe I need to keep that in mind when I’m considering what I can and can’t do at my current size.
It’s true – there are several deeper issues that fuel my eating disorder but I’ve been told that the body image issues are the last to go. After all the therapy, meal planning, etc., body image issues tend to hang on even after you’re doing better. They’re a thorn in my side right now.
Sorry if this is a touchy question — do you accept your body as it is right now? How did you get to that point?