You’re Never Really Ready

I’ve known that my mother is dying for several months. She has end stage heart failure and has been deteriorating slowly since early spring. This week, though, she’s taken a sudden turn for the worse and now it’s only a matter of days until she’s gone. Mom lives in a nursing home and most of her caregivers are kind and good at their jobs, but they’re busy. Very busy. Many days they work short-staffed and the dozens of patients they care for need a lot of care. Nursing homes in Ontario admit only patients who need full-time care and most of the people on my mother’s ward need help with everything from getting dressed to toileting. Staff does the best they can, but it isn’t the standard of care that I would give to a palliative patient so I’m visiting several times a day to help her be comfortable. This is my comfort zone. It’s when my clinical brain clicks in and I can push the emotional shit to the edges and be a nurse. Being a nurse is easier than being a daughter about to lose her mom.

There’s a phenomenon in palliative care known as anticipatory grief. It sometimes happens when a loved when takes a long time to die. The bereaved starts to let go of the relationship while the person is still alive. It comes near the end when caregivers are tired and it dulls the emotions. It’s one method of coping and I’ve often heard caregivers say that they’re ready for their person to die. In some ways they are. They’ve started the process, but they’re tired and dull and anxious for the struggle to be over. The thing is, though, that even if it takes a person a long time to die the moment when death happens feels sudden and no-one is ever really ready for the vacuum that appears where care and concern and love lived only a moment ago.

I’m an only child and we have no other family here. My mother’s relatives are all far away in Germany and there’s only the two of us left here. We’ve had a complicated relationship, mom and I, and I’ve worked through a lot of issues over the course of my life. I’ve let go of a shit ton of anger and in these past months I’ve made sure to say all the things I wanted to and to listen to all the things she wanted to say. I’ve been surprised by how much love managed to survive underneath all those other complicated emotions and I’ve let that guide me in these past few months. I have no regrets, there’s nothing left unsaid and I’ve been telling myself that I’m ready. It’s my coping mechanism, too, it seems, but in these last few days I’ve been surprised by how tender I feel and the facade of being ready is fading fast. I’ve nursed so many dying patients and their families that I thought I had an edge, but not even a palliative care nurse is ever really ready.

My first Commission – Part 6 – Halfway Through Hell

© Charly, all rights reserved. Click for full size.

This weekend I only could work for about 4 hours on this project, but I have finally managed to finish one blade.

I am not happy with it. Like, at all. I could have done a better job, and I have done a better job in the past. I just could not get into the thing at all. I kept making mistakes, and whilst to make a mistake on belt grinder takes a split of a second, correcting it can take hours. After 400 grit I went to hand-sanding. It is more strain on the fingers than the belt grinder, but a lot less space for a mess-up. And therefore I was, paradoxically, suddenly a lot faster. I might switch to hand sanding on the other blade sooner.

After 1000 grit I went for buffing wheels. Buffing a blade like this is not optimal and if I did not mess up the grind on belt grinder so often as I did, I would not go for it and I would polish it up to 7000 grit sandpaper. However buffing has one advantage, besides being fast – it hides and smoothens slight imperfections on the bevels by ever so slightly rounding up the ridges. Which is also the reason why I normally would not go for buffing for a blade like this.

This is the blade that goes to the customer. Next weekend I will hopefully finish the second one and then I can start on the accessories.

But after I am done with currently started projects, I will definitively make a batch of these. It is a complicated shape, and thus an excellent exercise.

 

The Art of Book Design: Tanglewood Tales

Nathaniel Hawthorne. Tanglewood Tales. Illustrated by Edmund Dulac. London, New York, Toronto; Hodder and Stoughton, 1919

This Fairy Tale Saturday we’re looking at Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales again. We’ve already looked at the 1921 edition of the book with artwork by Virginia Sterrett and today we’re looking at an earlier edition with artwork done by Edmund Dulac. Dulac was a master illustrator of books during the art nouveau period and he is considered to be one of the masters of the style.

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Fungi Friday

This week we have another fine fungal photo from Opus, who makes magic happen with his detailed macro portraits. He’s also sent us a photo to give some perspective and scale to the close-up work.

Opus plans to nurse the garden along for a bit and then return it to the wild.

Moss Garden ©Opus, all rights reserved

Moss Garden – overview ©Opus, all rights reserved

The Art of Book Design: Tales of Mystery and Imagination

Edgar Allen Poe. Tales of Mystery and Imagination. London : G. G. Harrup ; New York : Brentano’s, 1919.

Here’s Marcus again and he’s holding his first edition copy of Edgar Allan Poe’s Tales of Mystery and Imagination, illustrated by Harry Clark.  Clarke was another of Caine’s favourite artists and many of the drawings that follow have previously been seen on this blog. Clarke’s illustrations in Poe’s Tales of Mystery are considered the best of any edition produced. According to the Public Domain Review:

 …perhaps it is the Irishman Harry Clarke who has come closest to evoking the delirious claustrophobia and frightening inventiveness of “Poe-land”. For the 1919 edition of Tales Clarke created the twenty-four monochrome images featured below. Their nightmarish, hallucinatory quality makes you wonder if he was on something, until you remember the stories.

I couldn’t agree more. All 24 full-sized illustrations are included below the fold.

Illustrations via: The Public Domain Review

The 1923 edition of the book can be viewed at The Internet Archive. This edition includes 4 colour plates that were not part of the original 1919 edition. I haven’t included them here. They’re worth taking a look at and so are the smaller page illustrations.

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Of paper cups and plastic straws

Paper cup with coffee, creamer and sugar on the side.

Source: Wikimedia Commons

We all know that climate change is real, we all know that we need to fucking do something about it, yet nothing seems to happen. What is being endlessly discussed is always one small thing or the other small thing, like a ban on plastic straws, or how we should use reusable cups for our coffee. What is more is a tendency to declare one’s own behaviour to be benign while pointing the finger at others and it’s getting on my nerves.

You can easily find this one Twitter, where people proclaim that them getting a new phone every year and flying to X isn’t the problem, but people going on cruises is. Vegetarians point at people who eat meat as “the problem”. Folks in cities with a good infrastructure declare that “nobody needs a car”. There are lots of good discussions about how just making shit more expensive (like a proposed increase in taxes on meat, which will make factory farmed cheap meat slightly more expensive, but still enough to become a problem for poor people, while making ethically farmed meat a lot more expensive, thus discouraging people from buying it) is making fighting climate change poor people’s problem while those rich enough to go on three fucking cruises a year and flying to New York for a shopping trip will just shrug their shoulders.

In line with this is the argument that the problem isn’t people’s consumption and behaviour, but it’s just those evil companies, or to quote a tweet (not going to link to it, this isn’t about the person, but the argument), that:

100 companies produce 71% of CO2 emissions. The idea that climate change is an individual problem is a lie bought & sold by these companies to stop us from holding them responsible. If all academics stopped flying for a year, the planet would still be under their control.

Now, I don’t doubt that the number is true, and believe me, I have absolutely no sympathy for capitalist companies who will happily burn the planet for shareholder value, but how do you think they produce all that CO2? Hint: They don’t produce it by burning coal at the company barbecue. They produce it by making all those damn consumer goods that we buy every day. Yes, by producing your new phone. By producing your steak. By shipping your yoghurt container three times around the world because that’s cheaper than doing it all in one place. By producing the electricity you need to post that shit on Twitter. So a lot of the discussions well meaning people are having can be summed up by the German saying “wash me but don’t wet my fur”: I want to see results, but I am not willing to go through the process (obviously a saying from before the advent of dry shampoo). Of course, individuals are often caught up in this trap, without having good alternatives for more sustainable behaviour (if i wanted to take public transport to work, I’d have to leave home at 1 am or so before the train connection ceases for the night, because the earliest train in the morning wouldn’t be early enough to catch the buses I’d then need to take…), and an individual changing their behaviour will not make climate change stop (I dramatically reduced our meat consumption, the planet is still getting hotter), yet in the long run everybody will need to change.

To come back to the title: Of course 3 billion fucking single use cups a year in Germany are bad and unsustainable. But we won’t solve climate change by just all bringing our reusable cups. But we also won’t stop it while using three fucking billion cups a year. The solutions will have to be manyfold and they will have to change the way we live, before climate change changes the way we live without us getting a say.

Friday Feathers: Hornbill and Friends

As promised, there will be pictures. Lots, though I noticed that I took less pictures this year because after all, I went there before. Let’s start with some from the zoo. A great southern hornbill. I also add some others as to not spam my “own” blog with many different posts.

©Giliell, all rights reserved

©Giliell, all rights reserved

©Giliell, all rights reserved
Probably a breeding female. Or a napping one…

Now for some frogs…

©Giliell, all rights reserved

©Giliell, all rights reserved There was a lot of plants around acting as some sort of natural filter

©Giliell, all rights reserved

And finally a water lily. There be fairies.

©Giliell, all rights reserved Off focus but too pretty

©Giliell, all rights reserved No, absolutely no post production on this one.

The Art of Book Design: Fringilla or Tales in Verse

R.D.Blackmore. Fringilla or Tales in Verse. Illustrated by Will Bradley. Cleveland. The Burrows Brothers Company, 1895.

Fringilla, Illustrated by Will Bradley. Back Cover.

Will Bradley was considered the “Dean of American Designers” during the Art Nouveau and Art Deco Periods and he was the best paid American artist of the early 20th Century. Much of Bradley’s work was for magazine covers, advertising and posters, but his illustrations for this book, Fringilla, were considered to be among his masterworks.  All the full-sized illustrations are below the fold.

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