Naked Confidence: Sex and Eating Disorder Recovery (Poem and Memoir Update)

I’ve been working really hard on my memoir about atheism and mental health, and that’s the main reason I haven’t been blogging as much lately. It’s coming along nicely and I can’t wait to share it with everyone. It will be published by Freethought House just like my recent poetry book, Free to Roam: Poems from a Heathen Mommy. 

I’m happy to say the memoir will also include a few poems. This one is called “Naked Confidence” and it is included in a short section about having sex when you have an eating disorder. 

When I was younger and really struggling with my eating disorder, I preferred to have sex in the dark to hide my flaws. I was thin and pretty but always worried about what I looked like while having sex. It was a chore. I had sex to please my partner but rarely enjoyed it myself. It was pretty sad — I was young and should have been having fun.

Fast forward to today — I’m older, overweight, and married to my husband for 11 years. I love having sex — with the lights on. I feel confident with my husband and we have sex more now than when we were first married.

This poem is about finding your confidence and enjoying sex. 

 

Naked Confidence

Nourish me.
My body,
soft and feminine,
has an appetite.
Touch me.
Graze your fingertips
over my smooth milky curves.
Flip the switch —
no longer in the dark.
I let go
and have fun.
The taste of your lips
gives me tingles.
I want you,
but I must put myself
first sometimes.
My amazing body
needs to be loved
by me
before I can enjoy
time with you.
So I smile,
giggle,
and show you what I want.
This is my revolution.

I will post updates as the memoir progresses.

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter — no. 28 “Kindergarten”

Dear daughter,

You’ve been in kindergarten for three weeks now and we are still getting used to the new schedule. You and I wake up bright and early and get ready for the day. We are both painfully aware that neither one of us is a morning person. 

Despite that, I shower and put on make-up while you get a little breakfast. We get dressed and I drop you off at school. Every day I fight back tears as I walk you to the door. I really hope you haven’t noticed. Sometimes you cry, too.

Letting you grow up is hard. I want to keep you in my arms but I have to let you go. 

I think about you during the day. Are you making friends? Did you eat lunch? Did you have fun in gym class? 

This is a big deal right now, but I’m hoping the anxiety will soon die down. Pretty soon I’ll be dropping you off at school and we won’t think twice about it.

Daughter — despite the drama of the mornings, I want you to enjoy school. You’re going to learn so much. Be a sponge and take it all in. It’s so important.

I love you but now it’s time for you to gain a little independence and learn. 

 

Love,

Mom

Can you be an atheist and also believe in the paranormal?

I belong to an amazing group on Facebook called “Chill AF Atheist Women”. It is so nice to interact with a group of progressive, like-minded women. Their posts go from heartbreaking to hilarious and everything in between. It’s a good place to go for advice and you can’t usually say that about the internet. I love being a part of this group. 

Anyway, not too long ago in this group, I saw this question asked — “Can you be an atheist and also believe in ghosts?” To my surprise, not only did many of the women believe in ghosts, some had had first-hand paranormal experiences.

I have strong feelings about this topic. Many of you know I have schizoaffective disorder. I was diagnosed at 21 and today live a very normal life thanks to medication. Before treatment, I had visual and auditory hallucinations that I referred to as “ghosts”. I would believe that places were haunted and that people were possessed. It was a whole new world for me when antipsychotic medication stopped my hallucinations. 

Today I don’t believe in the paranormal. I think there’s an earthly explanation for everything. I don’t doubt people have experiences; I just think there must be explanations — even if we don’t have that explanation yet. 

Also, sometimes I think believing in ghosts is admitting people have souls, and I don’t believe in that either. 

So what do you think? Can you believe in the paranormal as an atheist? Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever had a paranormal experience?

Can you be an atheist as well as spiritual?

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and he is always full of stories and knowledge of current events. My three-month med check-ups are always interesting. Yesterday he informed me that Harvard has hired an atheist chaplain.

How does that work?

My psychiatrist explained that it’s possible to be an atheist and also spiritual.

I don’t consider myself spiritual but maybe spirituality has a different meaning to everyone. I guess if I had to define it, I would say spirituality is feeling connected to nature and the world around you.

What do you say? Does spirituality require a higher power? Are you spiritual? What does that look like for you?

Update on Author Events

Here is an update on my upcoming speaking engagements:

Sept. 26
Humanist Alliance of San Diego (online)

Oct. 9
Western Lake Erie Humanists (Toledo)

Oct. 10
Washington Area Secular Humanists (online)

Oct. 24
Humanist Alliance of Silicon Valley (online)

Nov. 14
Eastern Shore Humanists (online)

 

I have met so many wonderful people while promoting my book. If your group is up for a little atheist poetry, contact me! I would love to meet you, too!

My poetry book gives an atheist perspective on being a Midwest Mom. It is for sale on my publisher’s site freethoughthouse.com, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon. (Signed copies are available at freethoughthouse.com.)

Another shout-out to the Toledo Lucas County Public Library!

I’ve written a few posts about how amazing the library is here in Toledo, but I feel today I need to write one more. I was just at the library tonight with my daughter picking out books for bedtime. We do this every other week.

I have a part-time job running an arts program for people in recovery. The pandemic severely limited my work. What’s worse is that during the pandemic the neighborhood where we hold our groups went downhill and it is now too dangerous for us to be there. To be honest, I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen.

Now that the CDC has loosened guidelines, I want to have art groups, damn it! So where do I turn? The library! We are having groups in a community room in our library’s main branch downtown. We have to rebuild but it is a safe place for us.

So excited!

It’s just one more amazing way the Toledo Lucas County Public Library has impacted my life.

So support your local library! 🙂

Update

Hi guys! I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting as much over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been working really hard on my memoir. It’s been fun adding more poetry to the book, but there are some order and organization issues to work on as well.

Really though — I have a lot to think about.

I could write this memoir forever — life and recovery are always changing and moving forward. I definitely have some updates to add to my original manuscript.

I have a lot of work to do.

 

This weekend I have a speaking event with Washington Area Secular Humanists. Looking forward to meeting new people and reading some poetry!

Five Foot Nothing

Five Foot Nothing

 

At five foot nothing
fear towers over me
brushing my curls
with its far-fetched dreams.

Heavy bombs fall from high above.
I retreat to somewhere low
and quiet.
Defeat blankets the ground. 

My path is out of reach,
out of touch,
and I’m out of steam.
How I wish I could look the world in the eye.

Give me a boost
and I’ll take a step up.
Words are packed with power
and your words make me sing.

Inch over agonizing inch.
With a little help,
I can taste the stars
at five foot nothing.

My upcoming memoir tells the story of my secular recovery.

My mental health has been at the forefront of my adult life, often the reason I pursue (or don’t pursue) the many goals I have. At times my mental health interrupts my daily activities and interactions with others while at other times I feel it is a source of strength in the many different aspects of my life. 

My mental health became my focus when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at twenty-one years old and in treatment for an eating disorder. It’s easy to feel fragile when you have that much going on but my recovery is now a driving force in my life. 

Very early in my recovery, I regained the ability to reason and think clearly after taking anti-psychotic medication. Shortly after, I decided I was an atheist and that became a crucial part of my recovery. 

I often write about my mental health journey on this blog, but I am so excited to share that I will now be telling my story in a book. I am currently working on a memoir that will be published by Freethought House, the same publisher as my recent poetry book. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me but I will post updates as I go.