Cancer Chronicles 2: The Farting.


Cartoon by Mark Ewbie.

One thing you get to contemplate with a colostomy is being turned into a fart factory. I have not yet ventured out and about with my new arrangement; I’m waiting for the stoma swelling to go down one of these days. Even then, it will be interesting. The very first time you fart after having an ostomy is a strange sensation, a wrong sensation. The gas moves in the wrong direction, and it’s a bit of a shock, that first fart. You start to go into the autoclench before you realize that won’t help, and you have no way to clench on farts which are on the upside.

And then there’s the ballooning. If you expel a good amount of gas, your bag balloons up, and you have to bleed it to get the gas out. At least in this, you have a choice as to whether or not you’ll be inflicting your bag o’ farts on the unwitting. I have to say, it would be very mean to do so, but if it’s someone you don’t like, well…

You do adjust very quickly, after the first fart shock; when you feel one coming on, your hand immediately goes over your stoma while you try to look innocent. Right now, I can only envision myself out and about while clutching a pillow to my abdomen, so I think it will be a while before I make that first public appearance anywhere. Long car rides are a horrorshow of discomfort and peak level gas production. It’s recommended that when a long drive is necessary, that you pause and get out to stretch one or two times if you have an ostomy. There’s no particular reason given, but I am now certain this is so you can sneakily bleed the gas out of your bag without asphyxiating your driver. :D

Also, having an ostomy does not turn you into Pepé Le Pew – there’s no stench wafting about your person. As long as your bag is properly sealed, you’re fine. If you’re on the paranoid side about such things though, there are filters and such available. With an ostomy, you’re more in control of your farting, which is kinda nice. You also have the advantage of a weapons grade tool to chase away unwanted visitors, like Jehovah Witnesses. ;)

And today, I’m going to make things so much worse for myself, because I have a craving for refried beans. Well, it’s just me, the dogs, cats, and rats. And now, I can truly relate to He-Gassen. And I encourage everyone to relate their fave fart stories.

Comments

  1. says

    Oh, it’s gonna be a good long while. The treatment is going to take up most of ‘018, and I’ll have to live with the ostomy for that time.

  2. says

    I know there’s a lot of stigma, but please keep your usual not giving a fuck attitude.
    I can give you a positive and a negative example.
    One was an acquaintance I had who’d been living with her bag openly. I taught Spanish at her house and yeah, you’d hear the bag. Sometimes she’d go “oh shut up!”, but as far as I know it never kept her from doing anything, including horse riding.
    The other one is Mr’s grandma who just almost died of sepsis because even after more than10 years she was too embarrassed to tell anybody that there’s something wrong with it.

  3. vucodlak says

    Favorite fart story:
    When I was about 15, I met the best friend I’ve ever had. Not long after we met, she and I were sparring (fighting for fun was something we did in our weird little gang). It was our first fight- I mention this not because I ever got good enough to win against her, but mostly to say that I wasn’t really prepared for the humiliation of losing.

    I wound up thoroughly beaten, flat on my back with her sitting on my chest, pinning my arms. I’ve always been an asshole, especially as a teenager, so naturally reacted to this by (tearfully) calling her a b****. I won’t deny that it was misogynistic, but in my ‘defense’ I was going to be a big baby of a sore loser regardless of the gender of the person who beat me. For what it’s worth, I was immediately sorry, and not just because I was pretty sure she was going to hurt me for saying that.

    But she didn’t. In the total silence that followed my verbal turd (and barely audible ‘sorry’) she leaned back, giving me an appraising look. I tried a nervous grin. She just kept looking at me like she was trying to decide how best to rearrange my face. After what seemed like an age, she suddenly smiled a scary little smile, leaned to one side, and cut a huge fart right there on my chest. She then left me lying there, amid gales of laughter, on the floor.

    It was a good ten minutes before I could stop laughing long enough to stand up, and even then, I only managed because she offered me a hand. Fart-based humor is my kryptonite.

  4. says

    Giliell:

    I know there’s a lot of stigma, but please keep your usual not giving a fuck attitude.

    I’m workin’ on it! :D And no, having an ostomy does not prevent you doing whatever you want. I am hoping this will be temporary, but if it ends up permanent, as long as I kill the cancer off, eh, small enough price.

    The other one is Mr’s grandma who just almost died of sepsis because even after more than10 years she was too embarrassed to tell anybody that there’s something wrong with it.

    Oh for pity’s sake. The stigma attached to this is truly awful, and like with Kestrel’s aunt, she was so hung up over the idea, she ended up dying. But there’s never been a popular celeb who has had an ostomy and come out with it, or the like, so the stigma stays. There are a whole lot of terrific people out there who are helping to fight the stigma, but more are needed.

    I decided I’m not going to be shy about this, or reticent, and good humour always helps. If anything I write helps one person, then that’s a good thing.

  5. says

    Vucodlak:

    After what seemed like an age, she suddenly smiled a scary little smile, leaned to one side, and cut a huge fart right there on my chest. She then left me lying there, amid gales of laughter, on the floor.

    I like her. A lot.

  6. jazzlet says

    Chigau should you ever be tempted to light a fart do it while wearing something like jeans, do NOT do it naked. Mr Jazz did and frazzled all his bum hair the dingbat.

  7. says

    I’m pretty sure lighting farts is still a thing. Nothing looks as ridiculous as a drunk dude trying to maintain a position for fart lighting, while holding the lighter correctly. The drunker someone is, the more likely a can of WD-40 will show up.

  8. lumipuna says

    Now you just need a novelty colostomy bag that makes a “BRRWAAAAP” sound when depressurized.

  9. Ice Swimmer says

    Sticking my nose in this thread.

    One former work mate described onion farts as smelling noble. I have a love-hate relationship with onions and garlic, the taste is great, digesting them bubbly in the wrong way.

    A former apartment mate of mine did protest the fumes of my onion-laden cooking ways of the time, stating that it made his eyes water. Ok, maybe frying five big onions at once for bolognese sauce is a bit much. Since then, I’ve cut down a bit due to the difficulties in digesting them.

  10. says

    Ice Swimmer:

    One former work mate described onion farts as smelling noble.

    Sure, why not? Actually, considering the range of smells one can get on the fart front, I’d say your work mate wasn’t far wrong. I’m on the sulfur-y side right now, onions would be an improvement. :D

Leave a Reply